I left the headquarters silently. Red sent me out to steal some food to sell to greasy Li. Every Monday he sends me out to find things for a little extra cash.
The underground is the place the so called mutants are forced to go. After the days stopped coming the human race began to adapt forming 'mutations'. The council that now runs our city fearing some of our more... dangerous mutations sent us all away.
I was about to run out into the light of the orange lamp when I hear a girls voice.
"Where are you Jack? You said forty-five!" from the sound of her voice she's was pretty angry and close. I tried to tiptoe back into the underground, but the Girl's voice spoke again. "Jack?" at least that time she sounded scared.
I shuffled my feet back into the shadows. Again the girl heard me. How did she hear that I didn't even hear that.
"Jack if that's you I'm gonna kill you." she sounded serious enough to me. Would she actually kill me? No I'm not Jack, I'm Lane, but these city folk are supposed to be violent. I heard her footsteps come towards me and instantly I felt myself draw my sword.
"Stay back." I said defensively, but it sounded aggressive to me. She looked down my box alley and put her hands up defensively. That was wrong, she was supposed to fight me, try to kill me, but she didn't. She backed off, she backed off so far she hit the piles of boxes behind her knocking them over.
What if someone heard that? They'd know it was us. I pushed that thought out of my head, the nearest house is miles away, we're safe here. Well we will be when this girl leaves, I thought. But wait, I thought, she knows where we are. My only choice is to take her with me, but I'd have to keep her quiet. She looked back.
I instinctively leaped out of the shadows, exposing myself. "Stand still." I said toughly, but my voice had taken some other pitch I couldn't identify. That's when she screamed. Panic set in, but I managed to keep my voice calm and strong. "Shhhhhh. Scream again and I kill you."
"Okay. Okay." she said her hands still up. I had to keep her calm in order to keep her quiet, unfortunately calm and kidnapping don't really mix. I reach for her arm stupidly and she pulls away, fear in her eyes. That was wrong too she should have grabbed my arm and broken it or at least have some courage in her eyes, but all I could see was fear.
There's only one way to take her down quietly; knock her out. I reached out again this time for her neck. I squeeze the nerve and she falls unconscious into my arms. I curse under my breath and drag her into the alley. I pull the door open with great difficulty, but it opens with a loud creak. Under my breath I say, "Welcome to the Underground."
Hello again Willow!
Okay, this chapter was not as exciting to me as the first because I didn't learn very much new information about the world and it was basically the same as the first chapter only from a new person's perspective. Personally, I think you could take this chapter out and replace it with Lane taking Willow into the Underground or something to make it a little more interesting.
But if you really want to keep it, here are my nitpicks:
If greasy Li is a name than greasy should be capitalized, if it's just describing Li then obviously not but I wasn't sure. And maybe I'm just crazy because I just re-read the books, but this reminds me of The Hunger Games. Greasy Li - Greasy Sae. Lane goes out to find things and get money - Gale goes out to hunt and get money/food.
The mutations remind me of The Hunger Games too... but I could just be crazy
"She sounded angry, and close by" or something like that sounds less-awkward to me.
Girl doesn't need to be capitalized but at should be.
How did he know that she heard him?
She should be capitalized.
Aw they both think the other one is scary and violent. I'm guessing they're going to fall in love
How would someone know it was specifically them? Wouldn't they simply know someone was there?
I'd take out both of the "I thought"'s because it's really repetitive and kind of unnecessary. This also seems like somewhat of an odd thought progression. Why is taking her his only choice? Why can't he kill her?
She said, her hands still up.
I love this and, personally, this is where I would start the chapter. All of the action that happened in this chapter is action the reader has already seen. This is where the new exciting action starts.
Again, interesting and intriguing idea and start of a story here and I'm still curious about where this is all going to pan out. (Even if I think I know what's going to happen
Let me know if you have any questions or if something isn't clear!
-Carly