I dragged the girl's body into the rusted building. The Underground looks like it's about to fall apart, even to the residents of the Underground. The walls are covered with rust and several tunnels have collapsed. I was worried that walking through the tunnels dragging an unconscious girl would be suspicious. I thought I'd at least get some strange looks, but no one looks at me, they just carry on with what ever they're doing.
I had to walk for an hour and a half to drag her to me and my brother's room. I dragged her through the thick metal door. Her head may have hit the doorway on the way in, but who's gonna know? Well my brother maybe.
He was sitting in the wooden chair, our only piece of furniture. It came with the room, all of our money goes to food and keeping the room. The room isn't amazing, it looks like everywhere else in this rathole, but it's ours.
Red looked up as the door opened his blue-black hair that hung over his eyes. Basically he's my double except for that hair, you'd never be able to tell he's four years older than me. Don't ask me how he got blue hair, he's never told me, course I've never asked.
"Where's the food?" he asked as if I wasn't dragging a girl into the room.
"Oh shut up and help me." I said finally pulling her head into the doorway. He sighed and got up, he picked up her legs and put her in his chair. Her head fell back.
Red grabbed my bag and opened it.
"What are you looking for?" I said I little nervously. I knew I had a wonderful array of weapons in there and I wasn't exactly ready to witness a murder just yet.
"Rope." he said, I almost had a heart attack from fear of her death. "Can't have her killing us when she wakes up."
"Oh yeah." I said just now realizing I would have done that. I tied her up real tight. The girl kind of looked cute when she was asleep.
"So she a new mutant." he asked. That I didn't think of, bringing a normal into the heart of NOT normal.
"Uh... Yeah." I lied.
"Oh no." he said, obviously seeing through my lie.
"What?"
"You brought a normal here! How could you be so stupid?" I knew he didn't need an answer to that question I've been plenty stupider.
"I had no other choice!" I yelled.
"Fine just wake her up." I stared at her for a second her hair was in her face, she didn't look violent, but that could be more dangerous. I snapped my fingers in front of her eyes. Red retreated into the shadows his arms crossed across his chest.
"Hello... Wake up." I said calmly even though in my head I was screaming. I snapped my fingers again.
The girl's head lifted up slowly. She groaned. I wondered if I hit her head to hard on the doorway, was she internally bleeding?
"What? Who are you?" she said slowly and sleepily. She looked down and struggled at the ropes. "Why am I tied to a chair? Where am I?" she screamed at me, did she see Red? Well at least she isn't dead.
The Girl looked harder at my face as if trying to recognizing me, but not really remembering me. Then she screamed and tied to push the chair away, but her legs were to short and she ended up just pushing the chair over. She stopped when the chair hit the ground, but then kept on kicking her legs.
"Are you okay?" I said like I was her friend, then the question's oddness hit me. I shook it off and reached over to help her up and she tried to bite my hand. I ignored it and pulled the chair upright anyway.
"Get away from me you filthy mutant freak!" she yelled angrily and disgusted. I stepped back my hands up. I had a feeling she was different, she wasn't. Red uncrossed his arms and walked up to the girl and pointed finger at her face, I've only see him loose his cool once, it wasn't pretty. The girl pushed her head back her face said this was a horror story.
"Now you listen here. You will not insult us because I know that you know I could kill you with one finger. Got it?" said Red keeping his voice low, but forceful. Some how it was scarier then no yelling. She nodded.
Red stepped back into the shadows again. And i untie her. Giving her a smile that I know is fake, but can she? The ropes hit the floor, but the girl stays seated. She's shaking. Is she that scared?
"You okay?" I asked keeping my voice friendly and my face smiling. She just nods her face trapped in a state of horror.
"Sorry about Red, I'm Lane and you are?" I said slowly. She swallows, she looked kind of green, like she'd puke any second.
"Willow." she finally said, so softly I almost didn't hear her.
"Okay Willow. Are you okay?" my voice still slow, I feel like I'm addressing a mental patient. Willow nodded her face uncertain. I gave another fake smile and held out a hand for her to get up. Willow shook her head nervously. Red chuckled at me. Was I doing something funny, I was just trying to keep her calm and he was ruining that.
"What'd you expect, Lane? She's obviously Senator Cutz's kid." he said mockingly, but I'm not sure it was aimed at me. Her face changed from horror and nervousness to extreme hatred. I looked down at her hands they're fists, but they're still shaking. Is it anger? It must be.
Willow scowls at Red and stands up on her own. "Let me out of here. Where ever here is." she said coldly then slightly confused. Red laughs again.
"Yeah right. We'll just let you go right now. Anything else?" he said sarcastically. The tension was rising
"We can't let you go. You know where our headquart-ers is." I said trying to defuse the moment. Surprisingly my voice came out calm even though the moment said to scream.
"I don't care let me GO!" she said impatiently. That was Red's breaking point. No one ever defies him. Red's hands made fists and he screamed.
"No! Now come with us!" he said not trying to be quiet. He pointed to the door and Willow made a face and stomped out with Red in front and me behind her. I close the door behind me and the hinges squeaked.
Great job, I really grew fond of Lane and his adorkable nature. Honest. It's been awhile since I could wholeheartedly like a character for being weird and a general oddball.
Throughout this piece, I notice that you keep shifting between past and present tense. It’s advisable to pick a single verb tense and keep to it. Reading it was a bit jarring to my ears.
Even though you indented, I would’ve appreciated if you had a space between each new paragraph. I only say this since it’s easier on my eyes.
That line alone made my day. I swear it did. Our protagonist is a bit of a creep, huh? I love his optimism when the girl comes to: “Well at least she isn't dead,” because our main character knows how to look on the bright side.
Capitalize the I.
Lane is precious with his commentary. Look at that, the girl is tied down and much weaker, but he doesn't realize this. Her words cut him harshly and for a moment, their roles are reversed.
Our protagonist struggles with loneliness evidently. I would too if I only had Red, a fellow mutant, but a bit of a hotheaded jerk that keeps asking how “stupid” I could get. To me, stupidity seems to be a synonym for lonely. It’s clear that this isn’t the first time that Lane has disappointed his companion.
A pang of sympathy strikes me with this line. You’ve done a splendid job –I feel emotionally invested in the protagonist. He’s awkward and makes oddball remarks –he even acknowledges some of his own quirkiness. I laughed when I reached the part in which he goes:
Splendid job with Lane. This is the first I've read of the series thus I wasn't really able to say much about it. I like though how I could quickly pick up regardless and understand much of what was going on. Keep it up, mate!