Chapter 1 Part II by DudeMcGuy — Novel / Chapter

Hi Dude! I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to get to this.

Juliana woke up in the middle of the night with her body trembling from a nightmare about her brother fighting in a war.

This isn’t a great first sentence. The first part (bolded) is excellent, but the rest drags it down. Split this up and make it into two sentences. That way you have punch + clarification. If you have punchclarification together the punch is no longer a punch. Does that make any sense? >_<

She looked all around the tent to calm herself and come back to reality. The experience was still horrifying even though she could not recall many of the details.

The way this is ordered makes it sound as though the horrifying experience is looking around the tent, which is not what you meant, I think.

Radi and the grandfather slept peacefully on her left.

Shouldn’t it be “her grandfather”?

Juliana lied down again and covered herself with her blanket.

Should be “lay down”.

The moonlight distorted the trees’ proportions and made them appear cold and menacing. One branch seemed to be reaching for her through the wall, or so she imagined.

This is a good example of narrator vs character and what I was saying earlier about getting into a character’s head. You’ve got Juliana’s fears, which is great; “one branch seemed to be reaching for her through the wall” is in her head, it’s what she’s seeing and feeling and thinking. But then you bring us up short with “or so she imagined”. We know that it’s her imagination, as you said “seemed to be reaching for her”, but this second time you’re telling us that as the narrator. So it’s rock-solid, firm, undisputed, THIS IS JULIANA’S IMAGINATION NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT I AM THE NARRATOR I HAVE SPOKEN. If you left it in her head, we know that it’s probably just a tree branch, but as Juliana’s still a bit freaked out by it, we would share that same twinge of fear. “Is it really only a tree branch? Yes, yes, probably it is, but still...” By intervening as the narrator, you jam us back into our outside reader seats and take away that connection of shared apprehension.

But then she heard a faint sound coming from a hill on the other side of the road.

I was taught to never begin a sentence with “but”, and while I often ignore the rules of childhood, I do still try and stick to this one. It might be going out of fashion, but so it seems are appropriately placed apostrophes.

Juliana stepped out of the tent and saw her brother sitting on a large stone near an open fire; carefully rotating a cooking skewer over the flames.

You don’t need that semi-colon. A comma is fine.

The old man pointed at his grandson, “I had a really good catch this morning. You’re going to love it. Well, assuming Radi doesn’t burn them like he did last time.”

...

Radi turned to her, “I like reading this because it’s real. It’s not some kid’s story like those stupid books grandpa brought.”

Commas are wrong here. You need a full stop.

“Radi!” the grandfather shouted. “Be nice to your sister please!”

“I am!” the boy answered.

The old man shook his head as he disassembled the tent.

These are very impersonal modes of address. You’re in Juliana’s POV right now, but referring to her family as “the boy” and “the old man” makes it sound like the narrator is budging in again, telling us what to think rather than Juliana showing us her world through her own eyes.

Radi pointed to the road before leaving his sister to help his grandfather pack their belongings.

Why is the grandfather always at Radi’s throat? Apart from whining a lot, Radi seems more helpful than rebellious, cooking breakfast and helping to pack up...

When the grandfather saw Juliana looking at the boy he came over to her. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

“Oh no, it’s nothing,” she said as she turned around to continue eating.

“Don’t worry about the boy over there. He had his fish earlier this morning.”

“Oh . . . well . . . that’s good then."

“Juliana?”

“Y-Yes grandpa?”

“Will you clean up quickly when you’re done eating? I want to get going as soon as possible.”

“Oh, of course I will,” she replied.

Is the grandfather meant to be this controlling? From the way Juliana acts around him, it reminds me more of a dysfunctional/abusive relationship than a healthy one. That’s maybe me being extreme and paranoid, but he’s awfully bossy and domineering, yelling at Radi and telling them all to do everything. Like in the exchange above. There’s nothing wrong with wanting her to clear up quickly, but it’s the way he does it and the way Juliana reacts that makes it suspicious. Like, he doesn’t casually say, “Hey honey, remember we’ve got to get going quickly this morning, so don’t dawdle over your fish.” Instead he says her name, like he wants to get all of her attention focused completely on him, and she stutters in reply, like she’s scared of him, then he tells her to clean up. I don’t know, it just comes across as sinister. If you say someone’s name, usually it’s because you want their attention because you’re about to tell them something important. If you stutter in reply to someone, usually it’s because you’re scared or nervous. Putting these things together makes the exchange seem more menacing than it probably is.

As the grandfather left to feed the horses he noticed Juliana staring at the wagon again.

I think I mentioned something like this in the review follow-up discussion we had? Juliana’s not the object here, she’s become the subject, which means that for this one sentence, the grandfather has the power and POV. You should stay consistent with Juliana as the subject.

It was very noticeable in his short-strait black hair.

Should be “short straight black hair”.

“Sure grandpa,” replied Juliana. “As long as there aren’t any more . . . interruptions.” The girl stared directly at her brother as she put extra emphasis on the final word.

You don’t need to put spaces in your ellipses. It should be “...” not “ . . . “

Radi, clearly not interested in listening to the story, let out a deep sigh. “Whatever,” he said. “Do whatever you want.”

I can’t remember if I mentioned this before, but I’d like an idea of what kind of time and place this is set in. I guess we’ll get a better picture when we get to a city or to the school, but right now it’s a puzzle. You have archaic technology (horse and cart, spears, etc.) but modern American speech, like “whatever” and “kid”.

{“. . . You want to serve me!?” he asked in disbelief. “But I am a human . . . and you are a dragon!” he shouted. . . . “I saved your life,” The man said. “Why are you so quick to give it to me?” “This is the way of things in my culture.” answered the dragon. . . . “A name is something that is given to you by another.” . . . “I underst --}

I get that this is in a book, but you still need to format it correctly. Instead of using curly brackets, use italics to show it’s being quoted, and just as in the normal narrative, put each new speaker in a new paragraph. Looking at the above, I’m not sure who says what when. Also double punctuation marks are icky.

But her grandfather knew Juliana was still thinking about the young traveler. He purposely pointed out a terrible camping sight to see if she was paying attention.

Again with switching POV. The grandfather has become the subject, Juliana the object.

“Julie,” the man said. “Radi and I are going to go catch dinner. Can you watch things here for me?”

“Y-Yeah. . . You can count on me grandpa.”

This is better dialogue on the grandfather’s part, but Juliana is still stuttering. My impression of abusive relationship still stands.

The old man smiled, “Great! We’ll be back soon.”

Comma’s wrong, you need a full stop.

The grandfather returned to Juliana. “Hey,” he said. “This is your chance you know.”

“W-What do you mean?” she asked.

“He’s over there by that tree,” he answered as he pointed to a large pine that was separated from the rest.

“Radi and I are going to be gone for a couple hours. Just go tell him whatever you’ve been thinking about all day.”

Juliana looked to the young man sitting down with his back leaning up against the tree. “Thanks grandpa,” she said.

Thanks for what? For giving her permission to talk to their fellow traveller?

---
Hi!

So, I hope all of the above makes sense and isn’t too soul-crushing. I know I go on about stuff a lot, but it’s truly only meant to help, not trample you underfoot and leave you bleeding and lifeless on the floor. ^__^ Your prose in this part was largely fine. It’s your characters that still jar. Maybe if we were privy to more of Juliana’s thoughts on Radi and her grandfather their relationship wouldn’t come across as so weird, but because we haven’t, all I’ve got to go on are their actions.

Another thing is POV. For now, Juliana is your main character. You’ve got some omniscient narrator happening as well, but you switch between omniscient and not. You need consistency, otherwise it’s unsettling not knowing who to root for. I mean, yes, we’re rooting for Juliana, but one moment we’re in her head, then we’re in the grandfather’s for one sentence, then left dangling, then hovering outside Juliana’s head, then inside her head, then outside then with the grandfather... it makes it difficult to keep up with.

Anyway. PM or Wall me if you have any questions or if I was stupidly unclear on anything.

See you!

-twit

'Juliana woke up in the middle of the night with her body trembling from a nightmare about her brother fighting in a war.'
This sentence feels awkward. Very awkward. It makes me go ooh-ba-ee! and shiver. Well, it's not that bad. But make it two sentences or just much shorter. As the opening of a chapter, and the second chapter at that, you can't afford to be doing that sort of stuff.
'They were not disturbed by her scream or heavy breathing'
I'd have thought they'd be a little disturbed by a scream, cut this (sorry I'm being harsh so far, I've got some good points in a bit!). Unless they're magically drugged so they're not disturbed by the scream or something...
'The moonlight distorted the trees’ proportions and made them appear cold and menacing. One branch seemed to be reaching for her through the wall, or so she imagined.' Ooh, it's lovely. Ooh-ee-doo Lovely. Beautiful. Ooh, lovely. Perfect. And, you got the apostrophe right
Paragraph 2- the second as if is a typo which you should just cut. This paragraph really builds up the feeling of 'something big is gonna happen'. Let's just hope you keep it up... Ooh, newborn pine and chills. Oh, change 'exited the tent' to left. It just doesn't work.
'But then she heard a faint sound coming from a hill on the other side of the road.' Awkward again. Not quite ooh-ba-ee awkward but still a bit ooh-ba. Make it, 'She heard a faint sound from the other side of the road. Her curiosity led her through the darkness and into the woods. She listened carefully for the noise and went deeper into the trees until she came to a large oak. As she made her approach, the sound became clearer in her ears. Someone was crying on the other side of the tree. She quietly hid behind a nearby bush so she could see who it was without revealing herself.'
This whole next bit is brilliant and perfect, again.
But then you go 'the young traveller.' I really think he ought to have another name to this. If not, just describe 'the young man they had picked up two days ago' in more detail. It's just that there's all this tension and then there's a bit of you-know-who-it-is-but-there's-a-touch-of-unsurety-which-ruins-it-all. Which is a shame, because the bit leading up to it is SO GOOD!
Hmmm, I was expecting some mid-night life-story-sharing and bonding. Still, as long as we hear at some point. Still feeling real tense... I liked the crying (lol, I sound so mean!). I love the way she wonders what to do. Juliana and the traveller at some point become romantically involved, yes?
The dialogue between the brother and sister is much better in this chapter, and you really get to know them as characters through this. BraVO!
Aah, now I see why you aren't having her talk to the traveller earlier. It really is interesting with the teases from the brother. YOu've got a real atmosphere going. And I like how the romance thing is going slowly...
'"Dragoon," he said' Oh yes! Oh, this is BRILLIANT! Do they become dragoons? Is the young man a dragoon? I LIKE this novel! (Hits *like* button)
Hey, woah! '“Whatever old man,” Radi said. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head in disgust as he entered the forest.' Why is he disgusted? Who's he disgusted at? What?
“Come on, just let it go,” she thought. “Why do I care so much about someone I’ve never even talked to? It’s none of my business.”
Because you LUUUUUURVE him. Sorry, I had to!
'Juliana took a deep breath and gathered her confidence as she slowly walked towards the tree.'
Lovely. GET CHAPTER 3 DONE SOON! Please. Please please please.
And tell me when you have. And I hoped this helped. Sorry it was late, but it's quite long so I hope that makes up for it. I LOVE THIS!

Chapter 1 Part II

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