Young Writers Society

Hey Ange! Me again for the review I promised to give! To make it simpler, I'll just cut the poem into parts, choose a few, and post it here. I'll comment on them along the way.

A treacherous mine.

Okay, so this is a bit confusing. Why use the term 'mine'? Is it mine the good ol' pronoun? Or is it a mine as in mining? See, I think this poorly matches with the rest of the lines. You've approach slowly with time and space and worlds, then you go down to a mine, which I think disrupts the omniscient view. A change, maybe?

You didn't look pass me,
into the abyss of time;

I think this is poorly constructed. Are both the speaker and the one talked about in the abyss of time? Or is it only the one talked about IN the abyss. Try to reconstruct the lines it can induce some confusion.

I might have been an enemy,
a saviour, a friend;
You never looked to see,
Fearing dread.

Okay, so nice parallelism on the first two stanzas. The last line, though isn't too good. I mean, the line is already a cliche. There a lot of poems out there which include the line, so I suggest you try to expand it more, and not use 'dread'.

I was just a memory,
A saving peer,
But you didn't think far,
remebered or cared.

The mentioned stanza before this contains great parallelism. I think though, that this doesn't. I think this will be better if you paralleled the lines; instead of using 'remembered' and 'cared', use their present tense so that they will work with 'didn't'. Oh, and you spelled it wrong, too.

I shall fade,
fade through time,
fade till I live no more,
till I just die.

Why would you fade away? Although it's pretty explanatory, I think it will still be better to expand on the reason. Explain why the actions of the one being talked about affected you.

Well, that's all I can say for now! Thanks for a good read!

Yours indefinitely,
Alf

Hi there!

I'm here to review your poem. Now, I'd like you to take into consideration that I'm not normally much of a poet so excuse me if I come off sounding a little like I have no idea what I'm talking about! =D

A treacherous mine."

I don't understand how this works with the first stanza. You're talking about a world and time but this mine is a little bit off. I think you're trying to say how dangerous this word is? Perhaps? Maybe? I dunno, but maybe you can rephrase it so it matches what the first stanza is trying to say.

You didn't look pass me,
into the abyss of time;
You were in that world of yours,
A future in life

What does a future in a life mean here? Just the future in general or something more with life?

I might have been an enemy,
a saviour, a friend;
You never looked to see,
Fearing dread.

I actually really like this part. It shows how this person is looking past another because of fear of being let down, correct? Someone who's not willing to take a chance.

Overall, this is an interesting poem and I know you're trying hard to explain the deep meaning behind forgetting a memory of something/ someone but I feel like some parts are a little forced. However, you did a pretty good job and I did enjoy reading this poem. Thank you for the good read.
Sorry if this review isn't much help but hopefully you'll be able to pick some out from this. ^^

All the best,
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