Published April 3, 2012
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Hey Ange! Me again for the review I promised to give! To make it simpler, I'll just cut the poem into parts, choose a few, and post it here. I'll comment on them along the way.
Okay, so this is a bit confusing. Why use the term 'mine'? Is it mine the good ol' pronoun? Or is it a mine as in mining? See, I think this poorly matches with the rest of the lines. You've approach slowly with time and space and worlds, then you go down to a mine, which I think disrupts the omniscient view. A change, maybe?
I think this is poorly constructed. Are both the speaker and the one talked about in the abyss of time? Or is it only the one talked about IN the abyss. Try to reconstruct the lines it can induce some confusion.
Okay, so nice parallelism on the first two stanzas. The last line, though isn't too good. I mean, the line is already a cliche. There a lot of poems out there which include the line, so I suggest you try to expand it more, and not use 'dread'.
The mentioned stanza before this contains great parallelism. I think though, that this doesn't. I think this will be better if you paralleled the lines; instead of using 'remembered' and 'cared', use their present tense so that they will work with 'didn't'. Oh, and you spelled it wrong, too.
Why would you fade away? Although it's pretty explanatory, I think it will still be better to expand on the reason. Explain why the actions of the one being talked about affected you.
Well, that's all I can say for now! Thanks for a good read!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
Thanks a lot for the review, Al!
Hi there!
I'm here to review your poem. Now, I'd like you to take into consideration that I'm not normally much of a poet so excuse me if I come off sounding a little like I have no idea what I'm talking about! =D
I don't understand how this works with the first stanza. You're talking about a world and time but this mine is a little bit off. I think you're trying to say how dangerous this word is? Perhaps? Maybe? I dunno, but maybe you can rephrase it so it matches what the first stanza is trying to say.
What does a future in a life mean here? Just the future in general or something more with life?
I actually really like this part. It shows how this person is looking past another because of fear of being let down, correct? Someone who's not willing to take a chance.
Overall, this is an interesting poem and I know you're trying hard to explain the deep meaning behind forgetting a memory of something/ someone but I feel like some parts are a little forced. However, you did a pretty good job and I did enjoy reading this poem. Thank you for the good read.
Sorry if this review isn't much help but hopefully you'll be able to pick some out from this. ^^
All the best,
-Pink
You are awesome <3