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Young Writers Society



The Desert Trap

by steward


As Jet opened his eyes and stood up, his head felt like it had been hit by a metal baseball bat. He was in a room he didn’t recognize, it looked like an old, untouched living room judging the dusty VCR player connected to the old looking television. Jet looked out the barred window; there was nothing but miles and miles of lifeless desert. Jet started to panic, he ran to the metal door and pulled hard on the handle, it wouldn’t budge. Jet shook it violently and hit it with his fist then something shiny on the handle caught his eye: it was the cross necklace Jet gave his wife, Samantha as a wedding gift. Engraved on it were the words ‘What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.’ Jet immediately knew that there was something wrong with his family. Jet untied the necklace and wore it then he examined the house knowing that panicking doesn’t help. The house looked like no one’s been in it for years. Jet went up the narrow staircase to a hallway with a door on each side; Jet entered the room on the left first: It was a small bedroom with a double-decker bed and a small white drawer with a knife sticking out of it as though it was stabbed, but when Jet looked closer, he saw that it had not been the table that was stabbed but a picture of Samantha and Jet’s 14 year old son, Kenneth. He pulled the knife and picked the picture up; Jet had only seen Kenneth twice every year since he got sentenced for 14 years in prison because of hit and run. Still holding the picture, Jet went to the other room: It was completely empty except for a piece of paper on the wall held by a dagger. Jet pulled the dagger and took the paper,

‘Hello Jet, you have probably realized by now that your family is in trouble. I have them both and I can kill them at the pull of a trigger, but I know you have no idea why I’m doing this. I’ll tell you why: It’s the reason you stayed in jail for 14 years, it’s because you killed my son. You have until six to find me or your family will be dead. Now ask your self this: Would you die saving those who can’t be saved?’ Jet clenched his fist and crumpled the paper after reading it. He ran out of the room then down the stairs so fast that he tripped on the floor. Jet got up, his forehead bleeding and looked closer at the floor: There was a small latch. Jet pulled it open and revealed a hole filled with knives, axes and machetes. Jet picked a double-sided axe up and examined it, the blade was rusty but the handle was still hard. Jet got up and swung the axe at the wall but the axe bounced back, leaving the metal wall vibrating. Jet kicked the wall angrily and started to cry. Jet looked at the clock on the wall: It was 1:13. Jet stared at the axe stuck on the floor then he had an idea: He went to the kitchen sink under the bedroom on the second floor then went to look for the place under the empty room, he went up to the empty room then back down until he assumed the empty floor led outside. He carried his axe up the room and started chopping the wooden floor, he chopped and chopped until he could see the ground outside. He continued making the hole bigger until he could fit in it then jumped. Everything was scorching hot, the air, the sun and the ground. He ran to the rusty pickup truck and immediately shut the door, he easily hotwired the truck then followed the tracks at the fastest speed. Jet drove for an hour until it was out of gas. Jet got out of the car and looked around, suddenly the car exploded and Jet was thrown backwards followed by a sharp piece of metal that pierced his leg. Jet screamed in pain, he pulled the piece of metal still howling in pain and immediately applied pressure. Jet ripped the lower part of his shirt using his other arm and wrapped it around the bleeding wound, the blood went through the piece of cloth and Jet ripped the lower part of hi pants and wrapped it around his wound until it stopped bleeding. Every part of Jet’s body hurt terribly but he considered himself lucky to be alive. The car was still burning, adding to the deadly heat. Jet stood up and continued following the tracks still hoping it would lead him to his family, he limped and limped until he could see something from a distance, he limped faster toward the object and toward where the tracks lead, as he got closer, the object started to resemble a house, then two houses, then many houses and finally a neighborhood. The place was strangely quiet. Jet peeked through a kitchen window: The lights were on but no one seemed to be inside. Jet walked on; there were no cars seen anywhere until he reached the house across the building with a huge sign in the front saying: FALLOUT SHELTER. A car was parked in the open garage, it was also the same place where the tire tracks stopped. Jet ran over to see the car expecting to see it empty or to see a note from his kidnapper but he never expected to see, a mannequin. Jet could feel something extremely wrong deep inside him; Jet went to the door and turned the knob: It was locked. Jet ran to the front door but before he could reach it, a loud booming sound came from nowhere saying: “Black Hellbender nuclear test is now starting, please put your goggles and hearing protectors on. Weapon launching in T minus 10… 9… 8…” Jet was now panicking: He was right in the middle of a nuclear testing site. Jet remembered what his father told him when he was a child: “When people attack us with a nuclear bomb and we manage to survive, we must run to a fallout shelter if there is one…” Jet ran to the fallout shelter and kicked the door open, “5…4…” Jet opened the hatch on the floor and without thinking, jumped in:

He fell down what seemed to be a 20 foot basement, then suddenly, a loud explosion came from outside. Jet stood up, his body still aching and examined the room: it was as wide as a dining table and as long as the roof of a limousine. It was also empty except for the battery lamp in the corner that brightly lit the whole room and the mannequin dressed like an 80’s hippie. Jet walked toward it and felt it’s pockets and found a black leather wallet and an indestructible Nokia 3310. Suddenly, the phone rang, Jet looked at it then answered,

“Hello Jethro, right now I just want to congratulate you for escaping the house, the car and the bomb. You may consider yourself lucky but look around you, with the exit 20 feet above you and with a one week supply of oxygen; I might consider myself dead if I were you. Don’t even think about calling anyone with this useless phone, it’s even out of service. And one more thing, nobody will come and save you with all that nuclear radiation out there. I only give you one clue to help you get out: I can see you right now. Good luck and goodbye Jet.” Said the cold voice then he hung up. Jet looked at the time on the phone: It was 5:49, only 11 minutes left. Jet stretched his legs and arms against the walls then despite his painful leg, heaved himself up. Jet put his arms higher then his legs then his arms then did it over and over again until he reached the hatch. Jet pushed the hatch with both of his arms and left his legs to carry his weight. Jet pushed, but it only opened the fraction then closed again; Jet tried and tried again until the pain on his leg was its peak, then he fell down on his back again. I only give you one clue to help you get out: I can see you right now, his kidnapper’s voice echoed in his head, what could it possibly mean? Jet got up and opened the wallet he found for the first time: Inside were 2 one dollar bills, a nickel, 2 dimes, 4 pennies and a small broken piece of a mirror. Jet held the mirror in his hand for a while and looked at his eye’s reflection then he remembered the interrogation room where there was a one-way mirror: Then he looked around the room, the surface of the upper left corner of the wall was different from the rest, then Jet took the nickel and threw it at the corner as hard as could then it was shattered like a mirror. Jet went up and broke the rest of the mirror, revealing a dark tunnel leading toward a faint light; Jet went in then crawled toward the faint light, until he got to the other end: A small room lit dimly by an oil lamp, it also had a small wooden door. Jet lowered himself and opened a small crack on the door and looked in: Samantha and Jonathan were tied up together on the floor, then Jet opened it completely but at the sight of Jet, Samantha and Jonathan shouted “Look out!” Then a man from behind wall kicked Jet’s leg so hard that he fell,

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Jet shouted in extreme agony.

“Hello Jet, remember me, Robert Sham?” Said the man who had kicked Jet. Jet looked up to the man: He remembered him, he was the father of Kenneth Sham, the boy Jet hit and killed. “You killed my son Jet, and now, I will make you watch your family die.” Robert said, taking a Revolver from his pocket and pointed it at Jonathan who was already crying but before he could pull the trigger, Jet kicked his knees, causing him to fall down; Jet grabbed the gun and stood up.

“Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to kill him.” Said Jet, still holding the gun.

“BUT YOU MEANT TO RUN AWAY!” Robert shouted at Jet.

“Please, I’m sorry. It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“Yes, it does. Kenneth could have lived if you helped him.”

“I don’t want to shoot you Robert.”

“But you won’t be able to. I’m not stupid you know.” Said Robert, smiling and taking an identical Revolver from his pocket. Jet looked at the gun he was holding: It was empty. Robert pointed the gun at Jonathan again.

“Please, don’t do this. It won’t do anything good. It will only let you land in prison.”

“No, you’re wrong. It will do something good, it will fulfill my promise that I will kill the people who killed my son.”

“Then kill me, just leave them alone.”

“No, I also promised Kenneth that I would make them suffer.”

“Then you will suffer, in prison.”

“It would be worth it.”

“Would it be worth it to go to hell?”

“Why would I go to hell?”

“Murder is a heavy sin.”

“Whoa, look who’s talking about murderers!”

“I repented from my sin.”

“Then I’ll repent, right after I shoot you.”

“It doesn’t work that way. If you do-”

“ENOUGH OF THIS!” Robert shouted before Jet could finish his sentence. Robert pointed the gun at Jonathan but Jet threw himself at Robert and grabbed his gun; but Robert seemed to be ready for this, he hit Jet right in the stomach and took his gun back from Jet. “Any last words you want to tell your son?” Robert said to Jet who was lying a few feet away.

“I’m not stupid you know.” Said Jet as Robert pulled the trigger with a ‘click’, but nothing came out. Jet stood up and pointed the loaded gun at Robert. “Where is the way out?”

“Just kill me.” Robert said softly.

“No, I’m not a murderer.”

“Fine, I’ll do it myself.”

“I’m not giving you this gun.”

“Then I’m not telling you anything until you promise to shoot me.”

“Look, you don’t have to die. You can start your life all over again.” Said Jet, then Robert got up and opened a secret door on the wall, leading to a small tunnel with some thin logs holding up the wooden ceiling like pillars.

“Go, this will lead you straight to a safety zone.”

“No, this will lead us straight to a safety zone.” Said Jet untying Samantha and Jonathan.

“What does that suppose to mean?” Said Robert.

“You’re coming with us.” Replied Jet.

“Fine,” Said Robert as if Jet told him to eat his broccoli, then lead the way. Samantha and Jonathan went, followed closely by Jet. After walking for what seemed to be half a mile, a door came into sight.

“We’re nearly there.” Said Robert going ahead, but when they were about a hundred feet away, a rumble came from far behind them, “Run, the ceiling’s gonna collapse!” Robert shouted. Jonathan, Samantha and Jet ran past Robert as fast as they could, then suddenly, the ceiling went down a foot. Jet looked back: Robert was holding the ceiling up.

“Come on, we can make it!” Jet shouted at him.

“No, if I let go then all of us die. I have to hold it up!” Robert shouted back.

“No, you can’t do this!”

“I have to, it’s the only way. Go and continue doing what’s best for your family! Farewell, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you.” Robert shouted, Jet hesitated, then did what Robert wanted him to do and ran to the door where his family was waiting for him.

Jet and his family went back home through the help of the nuclear testing facility and the American government; Robert Sham’s body was never found under the collapsed tunnel; and Jet’s family went on with happy, normal lives. The End.


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701 Reviews


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 7:27 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a short review!!

First of all, the paragraphs are a bit too long. Especially, if you look at the paragraphs in the beginning, then it seems like the story continues for an infinite time without any sort of breaks. That is not a good thing... Break the paragraphs into smaller paragraphs. That will make the flow better.

Now to the story itself.

CHARACTERS
First of all with Jet. I wonder about his actual character. He doesn't seem to be a very good man at first but from the very first, he is extremely concerned about his family and their safety. I liked how he jumped into the matter as soon as he understood that his family was involved in the matter. We saw a change in his general characteristic of Jet. In the ending, he turned into a very moral being who was much concerned about Robert, who seems to be his enemy at the first instance. Now with Robert. He does have a grudge against Jet from the very first for the death of his son. We can see that quite clearly. I just wonder how he changed tremendously and just forgot about his goal. That is a bit unrealistic when we don't know how he changed and I serious didn't expect him to change that much... He becomes a bit too good at the end and the strangest thing is... He was never found which actually makes me think that... He never went there and Jet imagined the whole thing which in turn seems to be very unrealistic.

Plot
The plot was not very uninteresting. First of all, we have Jet waking up in a desert and from there he got some clues and went to another place and there all the climax took place. Something which I wonder about is the fact that what age group it's written for... The clues and everything sounded very childish because he didn't have any difficulty and found all those very easily. On the other hand, all the emotions and everything do not seem to be very childish. So, make the clues harder. Also the change in Robert needs to be justified. Maybe he was reminded of his son after seeing Jet's son and a lot of emotions overtook him. You need a reason.

Pacing
It's very fast paced. It feels like everything happened in one hour but actually it didn't. It took a lot longer. So, you have to slow the pacing. Provide descriptions, flesh out the setting. Write alternating short and long sentences. That can be a good way of signifying that the person is hurrying along with the descriptions.

That was all. You need to polish this story and work on it to make it a great one. I am sure you can do that :D

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Fri Mar 02, 2012 2:06 am
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ShootingStars wrote a review...



This is Shooting Stars, your quick critique!

-Firstly, the paragraphs seem bunched together so it makes your piece hard for the reader to read.

-Everything seems to move too fast. Try developing the mood more and the main character. It seems very rushed.

-There are many grammar errors, along with punctuational ones. You tend to confuse commas, semicolons and colons. Reread your short story and check for these.

-I'm sorry to say, but it's very unrealistic.

Overall, this story needs a lot of work. It is very rushed, and the ending feels like you just threw everything together quickly. It has great potential, though so just keep working on it! :-)
---Shooting Stars





We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway