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Fallen

by Soulkana


I eye the mirror in front of me in disbelief. How could this thing, this mere mirror be able to show me what fifteen years of lies could not? I scoff at the idea but I have to concede to even myself I was curious. I want what I had been and possibly what I wanted to be again. But could I? Could I really toss away what I believed was me? Even if it's a lie?

I ignore the others there to take in the mirror with an air of distrust. Its ruby encrusted frame twinkles decievingly at all of us. The glass looks unspectacular and with a deep sigh I turn to ask Yuko, "Do I have to go first?" The tredipation only amuses him more as he grins boldly.

"Of course. You are the prodigy." The mocking tone infuriates me and with a dark scowl I storm up to the mirror, not bothering to toss a retort but even if I tried it would've been knocked away by my reflection within the mirror.

The mirror really did show the truth. My once vibrant blue eyes had become a deep violet hue. Instead of untamely blond hair that had been to my shoulders the reflection had beautiful long ebony hair and it was as straight as a board, much to my relief. The pale skin hadn't changed, if anything it got paler. The other me smiles brightfully while waving a hand. Stepping closer I nearly faint at the sight of dark red wings that steal my breath.

Before I could focus much more the reflection shifts into an almost exact copy only this time the eyes were a flashing amber that strikes fear and confusion in me. Why did I have two reflections?! Ironic, honestly, I could never be normal it seems and with a chuckle I smile thinly back at it while it howls to the moon while the other stands to the side murmuring, "vates Ostende, me."

My vision blurs as I step back, blearily. I crumble to the floor as my weak legs collapse underneath my body. Dimly I hear Vladr trying to pry me out of the daze but I could only stare into the wall, not there as I watch with faint horror at the images playing out before me.

"Do you want to find out the secret?" A little boy whispers, brown eyes spitting fire at me as I blink, confused.

"What secret?" I murmur, trying to sit while the boy merely pulls out a knife with a sadistic smile.

"You are Vates, yet you are Yami. The wheels have start to turn and soon the enemies will find you and forever shall you lose, girl." He smirks with glowing silver eyes before pouncing.


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94 Reviews


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:02 am
Nook wrote a review...



Aqua here to review! ^u^ I saw your post in the forums asking for a review, so here I am!

Do you want me to be honest? Well, I barely understood anything in this. Beautifully-written with intricately woven words, but it just lacked the information.

It's one thing if the M.C has no idea what's happening, but it's another if the character knows, but just breezes through relevant information, like for example, why is everyone going up to look in the mirror? What event exactly is going on?

Can I ask you something? Is this a prologue? If so, you should label it as that in the title and then, this would be acceptable, all the missing information.

Now lets focus on structure!

I ignore the others there to take in the mirror with an air of distrust. Its ruby encrusted frame twinkles decievingly at all of us. The glass looks unspectacular and with a deep sigh I turn to ask Yuko, "Do I have to go first?" The tredipation only amuses him more as he grins boldly.

"Of course. You are the prodigy." The mocking tone infuriates me and with a dark scowl I storm up to the mirror, not bothering to toss a retort but even if I tried it would've been knocked away by my reflection within the mirror.


Infuriates might be a strong word, especially since it seems like she's friends with Yuko. Say something more subtle, like a word you might use when you have an argument with your friend. L

Ironic, honestly, I could never be normal it seems and with a chuckle I smile thinly back at it while it howls to the moon while the other stands to the side murmuring, "vates Ostende, me."


Check over this sentence agin. It's a run-on sentence as well as quite confusing as it ends. I don't clearly understand what you just said. XD

Otherwise, you need to work on punctuation, but that's it. You're obviously really good. XD Amazing really, but try to catch audience attention, okay? ;)

The main character reminds me of the girl from Brave for some reason. O.o Just did. Maybe it's just me? Maybe it's her attitude and resolve? IDK >u<

Aqua out!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:42 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Okay, hey Soul! What's good about this piece is that it opens up a whole new world in just a couple of paragraphs. I think I like best when books kind of ease me into a new world with new rules instead of taking a paragraph or two and trying to dump all the intricacies that I'm sure the author has at their disposal. But you obviously know how to steer away from that.

The problem is that if we go TOO far into just pretending like the author knows, some things come off as vague and not understood. For example, I feel like this thing with the mirror is some kind of ceremony and has a deeper meaning, but I'm not sure what that meaning would be. I get that they're trying to see truth of some kind, but I don't know what truth that is, and why this girl is not really surprised that her hair and eyes turn color. What does that signify? What do her new wings signify? And why does she go from chuckling and taking this all easy to fainting?

Um, and just another quick thing is that the phrasing here:

The wheels have start to turn and soon the enemies will find you and forever shall you lose, girl


is inconsistent. It tries to sound epic and important, but "forever shall you lose, girl" sounds forced and immature, to call her a girl, and to force that kind of sentence structure.

All in all, color me interested. I'd like to know more of the specifics of this mirror ceremony, so I'd read a little more as long as it were explained relatively quickly. Once I knew that significance, I'd have more of an idea of the culture these people are in and whether or not I'd be interested in reading more about this journey I assume the main character is going to go on. c:

PM me if you have questions, Soul!

Good luck and keep writing~





"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso