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In my shoes

by Brooke

Don't judge me on My looks and my hair.
You don't know what I've been through before you came along.
I've been kicked and punched by my 'friends'  and there has never been a end. 
There has always been a fight. With my weight.
But I have never been late for lesson on purpose.
Bullying is mean an it hurts.
So don't judge

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:08 pm
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there, Brooke. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3

I'm going to be blunt and say outright that this really isn't poetic. It's a rant broken up into lines to look like a poem, but a poem is so much more than words broken up in lines. Poetry uses imagery and language to paint vivid pictures and make readers feel the emotions being portrayed.

Right now, while the emotions in this are clear, there's nothing that makes me feel them along with you. Instead, I am just an observer to your emotions, and an observer with nothing invested in what you have to say.

What would really make this poem stronger and get your readers to feel these emotions instead of just observing them is to use examples and paint precise pictures of what is going on. Basically, one way to do this is to construct a scenario that your readers will live through by reading your poem, so that they can experience the pain and anger of what it's like to be bullied instead of just observing it.

If you could make your poem into something that makes your readers feel along with you, then you'll have written a great poem.

A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
— Honore de Balzac