Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


This emotion

by hayley10019


  1. Inside me theres a feeling,
  2. That I can't explain.
  3. It's like a truck has hit me, but I don't feel a thing.
  4. A sudden wave of emotion, overcomes my body.
  5. My head begans to twirl, and my heart skips a beat.
  6. My hands start to shake, and my voice starts to sqeek.
  7. I've tried to pin down the emotion,
  8. But nothing seems right.
  9. Love is too much,
  10. Crush does not suffice.
  1. Everyday I want to hear my name roll off your lips.
  2. The lips that I crave, want, and dream to kiss.
  3. The lips that whisper secrets in my ear.
  4. The lips that I hope to kiss away all my fears.
  1. Your eyes, full of love, but drowned is sorrow.
  2. Hurt and broken, from memories of tomorrow.
  3. When I look into your eyes, I want to hold you so tight.
  4. Tell you that if I'm with you, everything is alright. 
    1. Your voice sends trembles up and down my spine.
    2. The sound of your voice is my only devine.
    3. Your voice makes me forget anything I'm doing.
    4. Hearing your voice is my daily renewing. 
    1. Your hands so gently, not hungry and needy.
    2. But steady and loving, never too greedy.
    3. When I feel your gentle touch, lightning strikes, with the simplest touch.
    4. The touch from you, is like no one else's, with easy love.
    1. If only I knew, what this feeling was.
    2. Too much of a crush, 
    3. But not a love.
    4. Whenever I see you, I'm hit my emotion,
    5. Drowing in my own ocean of emotion.


    Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







    Is this a review?


      

    Comments



    User avatar
    1220 Reviews


    Points: 72525
    Reviews: 1220

    Donate
    Fri Feb 08, 2013 4:19 am
    Kale wrote a review...



    Hello there hayley10019,

    I bet you thought you'd never get a review on this. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. *insert mad/diabolical/insane laughter/giggles/cackling/whatever here* For too long have works like yours languished unreviewed, and so my comrades and I of the Order of the Knights of the Green Room are here to bring an end to such an ignomiously neglected state of reviewage.

    So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the reviewing!

    ---

    The first thing that caught my attention with this piece is how many errors there are, and not just punctuation ones. You also have some grammar errors, like using "begans", which is not a word, instead of "begins", and things like that.

    Now, while poetry doesn't always need to have proper spelling and grammar and punctuation, it's a good idea to have them anyway because a lot of the time, people who don't use proper spelling, grammar, and/or punctuation in their poetry don't understand how to not use those things properly. Basically, in order to break the rules for anything, you need to know them inside and out first, and this "rule" applies very much so to poetry. Before you can start messing around with grammar, punctuation, and/or spelling, you first need to master the rules of all the above. Only when you've got all the ins and outs figured out should you begin to stop using them in your poetry (or writing in general), otherwise what not following the rules does is make you look like someone who can't really write.

    There's a pretty visible difference between someone who breaks the rules because they understand the effect breaking the rules will have, and someone who breaks the rules without understanding. The former can get away with the rule breaking because, despite breaking the rules, they still manage to show that they know the rules but have chosen to consciously break them. The latter cannot get away with breaking the rules, because the broken rules are too inconsistent or don't contribute anything substantial, and so there's no indication to the reader that the latter even knows the rules they're breaking.

    So, long story short, until you master your grammar, I'd strongly recommend writing grammatically-correct poetry at all times.





    But if he hadn't said that, Bear Thompson wouldn't have been himself.
    — CaptainJack