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Young Writers Society



In my dreams (You are the knight)

by LadySpark


Not my best, but I'm posting it just to fool around in the forums a bit! Enjoy! I hope this font and size is okay. When I pasted it from gDocs it was huge. :D  In my dreams, you are the knight. In my dreams, You’re a knight that shines with love. In my dreams, I’m not afraid of your hand extended to me, of your face near mine. In my dreams, you have a horse that gallops across my wishes, granting them and holding them out to me on a silver platter. In my dreams, I can say what’s on my mind, and hold your thoughts close to my heart beside the jeweled box that holds my deepest secrets. I want my dreams to be granted, to be given to me in real life. I don’t like floating on the clouds that hover in my mind, they blow away so easily, are lost so quickly. My dreams can never be true, because I’m afraid of what my heart sings. My dreams can never be true though I would like them to be. You’re not a knight. You are my best friend. Someone that never will change never will waver, but never hold me either. If I float on those clouds we call my dreams, Won’t I eventually fall through the fluff? Will it hold me up and support me when I fall? I don’t want my dreams to end, don’t want to appear back in harsh reality. Reality isn’t somewhere I can live, I need the constant escape that I am given when I dream. Don’t make me come back to you, the reality you that doesn’t sit on the pedestal. Don’t make me forget the dream you, that rides on the black stallion of forbidden thoughts.

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Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:14 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello again, SparkofDoubt. I believe I reviewed one of your other pieces not too long ago...

...but I bet you thought you'd never get a review on this. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. *insert mad/diabolical/insane laughter/giggles/cackling/whatever here* For too long have works like yours languished unreviewed, and so I have come, my comrade in reviewing arms, here to bring an end to such an ignomiously neglected state of reviewage.

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the reviewing!

And maybe get out there and do some reviewing of your own, still-Squire. ;P

---

The first thing that strikes me about these lyrics is how repetitive "In my dreams," is straight off. It's like every other line for twelve whole lines, which really feels like repetition overkill to the point of redundancy. Space them out a bit more, or weed out a few. Just don't have five "In my dreams," smooshed into twelve lines all so close together. That's a lot of "In my dreams," to be seeing in such a small space.

You repeat a few other lines, like "My dreams can never be true", close together as well, which makes the repetitions feel redundant.

I also don't have a really good idea of how this would be sung. There doesn't appear to be a clear pattern to this, and so I'm kind of at a loss as to how the music would tie in.

Overall, you have a lot of repetition close together, and that is the main weakness of this piece. Those close repetitions make the repetitions feel redundant, especially the "In my dreams," line. Spacing them and weeding some out would be a very good idea.





Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor