Hello there (again) PersephoneMary,
As I said on your script I reviewed not too long ago, I bet you thought you'd never get a review on this. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. *insert mad/diabolical/insane laughter/giggles/cackling/whatever here* For too long have works like yours languished unreviewed, and so my comrades and I of the Order of the Knights of the Green Room are here to bring an end to such an ignomiously neglected state of reviewage.
So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the reviewing! I'll be tackling the other two chapters after this as well. And maybe the ones before this, if I can find them.
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without my expressed permission(comma) is that understood
Should be "express".
Inform them that the indigenous are savages and are refusing to grant permission for us to have plantations here.
The indigenous whats? "Indigenous" is an adjective, not a noun. Also, perhaps this is because I haven't read the earlier chapters, but calling the indigenous whatevers savages for refusing a colonizing power to set up plantations feels a bit extreme. It may be spun that way for the public back home, to better justify a hostile takeover, but on the front, I think it would be more realistic and plausible to have the Commander annoyed at the inconvenience the natives' refusal causes him and then have him formulate ways to get the military support needed to carry out such a large-scale campaign.
The trees surrounding this cave were purple. The trunk and branches themselves were a shade of lilac whereas the leaves and flowers were a mix of deep violet’s and indigo’s. The grass, too, was lavender and reached up as far as your knees. The cave itself was made of grey stone but the entrance is shrouded by many purple vines that look like the veins of the forest crawling inside this open orifice. There was a veil of mist clinging to everything. It sat a few metres from the ground but it was enough to shroud this part of the forest completely.
And this lump of description comes out of nowhere and brings the events in the story to a grinding halt. If you really want to describe something without slowing the pace of your story, it's best to weave the descriptions in with your characters' actions.
In this case, it might be best to cut out all this description entirely as there's no way to really weave it into Jack's current actions. By this point, you should have already described the setting enough that the readers will know how the planet is a haven, and so such a large chunk of description isn't necessary.
With that said, what could really use describing in this chapter are the characters' actions. The Commander has huge blocks of dialogue, but there's no description of what he's doing as he's saying all that. Is he just sitting in a chair somewhere, or is he stalking through the cave, just returned from negotiations? Describing the characters' actions will help give your readers a clear picture of what's going on in the scene, more so than descriptions of the scenery.
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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