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An Alien World- Chapter 3

by PersephoneMary


Chapter 3: Jack

“We’ll stay here. Soldier! Set up the camp. I want armed guards watching the entrance. No one comes in or out of this place without my expressed permission is that understood? How dare they refuse us? Clarkson, I want you to contact NASA asking for back up. Inform them that the indigenous are savages and are refusing to grant permission for us to have plantations here. Tell them that they will turn hostile and we must be prepared to launch full nuclear weapons if necessary. The life on this planet is too precious for us to ignore. The colonies will be built here, with or without their permission.”

“Commander, don’t you think wiping out the population is a little drastic?” I asked. I mean, I knew we needed a planet for colonies but couldn’t we reach an agreement with these people instead of blasting them to kingdom come?

“Drastic? Jack if I didn’t know you better I would think that you’d gone soft. Desperate times call for desperate measures. They have openly flouted us, so we will do the same.” I sighed and obeyed my orders, helping the other soldiers set up base in this vast cave. I shuddered at the thought of this planet being damaged. The trees surrounding this cave were purple. The trunk and branches themselves were a shade of lilac whereas the leaves and flowers were a mix of deep violet’s and indigo’s. The grass, too, was lavender and reached up as far as your knees. The cave itself was made of grey stone but the entrance is shrouded by many purple vines that look like the veins of the forest crawling inside this open orifice. There was a veil of mist clinging to everything. It sat a few metres from the ground but it was enough to shroud this part of the forest completely.

This place was like a little haven. Tucked away in the stars. I wondered how they were able to speak English, and how they looked exactly the same as us, apart from some native markings like tattoos. But those were put on by people, not part of their biological code. I wondered what sort of food the people ate. What that Chiyaka or whatever that girl was talking about earlier. She did seem very flustered. She had a cut on her face. It must have been something very important.

“Commander, we’ve caught her!” A voice called from down the tunnel.

“Caught who?”


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Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:57 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there (again) PersephoneMary,

As I said on your script I reviewed not too long ago, I bet you thought you'd never get a review on this. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. *insert mad/diabolical/insane laughter/giggles/cackling/whatever here* For too long have works like yours languished unreviewed, and so my comrades and I of the Order of the Knights of the Green Room are here to bring an end to such an ignomiously neglected state of reviewage.

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the reviewing! I'll be tackling the other two chapters after this as well. And maybe the ones before this, if I can find them.

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without my expressed permission(comma) is that understood

Should be "express".

Inform them that the indigenous are savages and are refusing to grant permission for us to have plantations here.

The indigenous whats? "Indigenous" is an adjective, not a noun. Also, perhaps this is because I haven't read the earlier chapters, but calling the indigenous whatevers savages for refusing a colonizing power to set up plantations feels a bit extreme. It may be spun that way for the public back home, to better justify a hostile takeover, but on the front, I think it would be more realistic and plausible to have the Commander annoyed at the inconvenience the natives' refusal causes him and then have him formulate ways to get the military support needed to carry out such a large-scale campaign.

The trees surrounding this cave were purple. The trunk and branches themselves were a shade of lilac whereas the leaves and flowers were a mix of deep violet’s and indigo’s. The grass, too, was lavender and reached up as far as your knees. The cave itself was made of grey stone but the entrance is shrouded by many purple vines that look like the veins of the forest crawling inside this open orifice. There was a veil of mist clinging to everything. It sat a few metres from the ground but it was enough to shroud this part of the forest completely.

And this lump of description comes out of nowhere and brings the events in the story to a grinding halt. If you really want to describe something without slowing the pace of your story, it's best to weave the descriptions in with your characters' actions.

In this case, it might be best to cut out all this description entirely as there's no way to really weave it into Jack's current actions. By this point, you should have already described the setting enough that the readers will know how the planet is a haven, and so such a large chunk of description isn't necessary.

With that said, what could really use describing in this chapter are the characters' actions. The Commander has huge blocks of dialogue, but there's no description of what he's doing as he's saying all that. Is he just sitting in a chair somewhere, or is he stalking through the cave, just returned from negotiations? Describing the characters' actions will help give your readers a clear picture of what's going on in the scene, more so than descriptions of the scenery.





I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25