Hey, Abid!
I'm so sorry I kept you waiting on my review. But I'm glad that you showed your piece to me. Creativity and Blue have given some very insightful and useful advice as well. There's a lot of good to take away from this poem. The wordings could be a bit more streamlined but is still a charming thing to read.
#4000FF ">First Stanza:
The first stanza gives an idea of what the rest of the poem will look like. And the General idea that you portray here gives a hint that the narrator is feminine and wants to open up to her man and actually give him an idea of what her ideal man should be like. The first line starts it off well. Though I'm not too excited about the word 'recollection'. I think that using that word made this line a bit lop-sided in terms of wordy weight. Maybe using something similar like 'voices' or 'echoes' etc., would even t out.
Precious like a Lunar eclipse. That's a nice way of putting it. And there's not much to dislike over here. Though a period after the second line would be good. Now the third line is way too long and continues till the next line.
#FF4000 ">Answer the questions of my life with silence.
Allow me to engage you in a conversation
Without naming drugs, bitches or violence.
I think it flows quite well this way, don't you think? 
The rest of the three lines sound very good and I don't think I'd change much there. But I'm pretty sure 'an' comes just before 'angel' instead of 'a'.
#4000FF ">
Second Stanza:
The third line to me would have sounded better with a little more length. Perhaps -
#FF4000 ">
in the darkness of the night
In the fourth line, I suggest you add a semi-colon (;) after aware. Since on the line just below, there's a rhyme. So it gives a hint that there's be room for rhythm.
Allow us to be the passengers of love which travels
This is a very nice line and I like the simple sentiment you've got going on here. But perhaps a bit more deep metaphoric usage would be nice. It sounds too direct and that romantic feel that you had started from the beginning doesn't come out to its fullest. Also, the next line could have been better interpreted. Using 'a' here doesn't do good for the line. Remember, only use 'an' when the following word has a vowel sounding beginning. I am terrible at explaining this. So here's something that'll help you out. Articles. The line could have also been better interpreted as -
#FF4000 ">
around this world as if in orbit
#4000FF ">
Third Stanza:
I like the whole relation with Math here. Very nice. But the second line could use some re-phrasing. 'i plus you to the equation of my life' doesn't sound crisp. You could have made this sound a little bit more convincing to read. It's a cute line, but sends the message across in a very lethargic manner.
The half rhyme you've implemented here is very nice. So great job on that
#4000FF ">
Fourth Stanza:
All very well said. Not much to be nit-picky about. But what I was not happy to see was the lack of rhyme here.
#4000FF ">
Fifth Stanza:
Divide this stanza from the middle. Let it be like -
#FF4000 ">
Send me a lulled stare
as you transport your thoughts
with such tender flair
Talk to me with a kiss
Miss me even when I'm with you
Allow us to reach an eternal bliss
Because of the rhyming structure here, I'm made to believe that 'thoughts' and 'you' are supposed to rhyme together as well. So dissecting this would make this a lot more easier to comprehend. But this is just me
#4000FF ">Sixth Stanza:
The only thing I would like to change here would be the word 'Endorse'. It doesn't fit here for some reason because it's not a common word when one speaks about sensuality and physical affection. So be a little more wary with word choice.
#4000FF ">
Seventh Stanza:
'Devote'? That's a great way to describe the scene. But somehow, it sounds odd. I'm undecided as to whether you should implement that word or change it. The verb usage is great though.
The spelling of 'experience' has to be checked. The last three lines don't really provide any weight for the stanza. They look like you've added them just for the sake of length. The imagination in these lines is minimal and makes it a bit boring. Try coming up with something else, perhaps? ^.^
#4000FF ">
Eighth Stanza:
This stanza is very nice. But still needs some streamlining. The last two lines lack a certain quality to it. Try rephrasing a bit. I personally feel that at the time you wrote these lines, you almost forgot the character of the woman. So now you're coming up with what she's feeling and it's as if I'm reading it from a totally different aspect that's not hers and seems made up and is forced to sound like her perspective.
#4000FF ">
Ninth Stanza:
No problems here. This is my favourite stanza. Great job with this
#4000FF ">
Last Words
So essentially, this poem is a very well delivered piece. I believe that with just a bit more attention to the word choice and better use of Figures of Speech, you could command this poem with effortless ease. There were places that needed more detailing. Some more description over how she's feeling. The dialogue is direct and very personal. So it does its job well of bringing in that sensation of sensuality.
According to me, this poem has a lot of potential. I would strongly recommend that you go through this poem again and again. And also, pass it through a spell-check, please. Read out each line aloud. And clearly note where and how the rhymes occur. The rhyming should be neat and consistent and not in breaks. Half-rhymes are great. With the rhymes you've used here, you've done a great job. So don't be afraid if you think you're not up to it.
I've only just read another piece of yours and I feel that you're becoming a great writer the more you attempt. All you need is practice. And at the rate you're going, you'll have an unstoppable grasp at poetry. You have a very unique and stylized way of writing. Keep the ink flowing, Abid. You've got great potential and I can't wait to read more.
Murtuza
Points: 9525
Reviews: 249
Donate