Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Those foolish and oftentimes desired thoughts that are projected into the mind whilst the body rests unawake, sometimes presented to the open mind once awakened. Those fairytale whims and wishes ever present in the back of the conscious mind, bustling about for the attention that would grant them chance to develop into reality.

It was one of these dreams the brought his life to ruin. It was nothing other than a horrendous thought that transformed, within his mind, to become a tainted treasure to which he clung to. It was this dream that he had deemed reasonable to follow, that had led him to her.

That dream; those unconscious thoughts and wishes that sat, waiting, at the back of his mind had rendered him capable of understanding the profound divinity that is her. It was only cruel Fate that destroyed him before returning to him the necessary foundation that was needed to begin once again.

Fate; she is a cruel deity. It was she who deemed them soul mates, to fulfill his dreams before once more tearing them away; like a child who pulls the tenaciously clinging grass blades from the soil. He was destroyed once his dream no longer had the chance to come true - that he would never have the chance to be good; to be pure once more. He could not be pure with her around; the tenacious grip of reason loosening its hold every time he spent a moment in her presence.

Each time he was threatened by his loss of control; each time he got closer to her throat. It was only when she revealed a deadly secret did he realize the seriousness of the situation.

To achieve his dream she must be sacrificed.

She had to die; in order for him to continue living.

Honestly, I dislike prologues, so maybe that'll bias me against this. However, I came by to review because I've seen many an unnecessary prologue and I liked your tagline, and I thought hey, that's a pretty good premise, so I guess I hoped for more from your prologue.

I'm sorry to say I'm a bit disappointed with your prologue. x.x It's got all the elements of the usual prologues that aren't really needed. It's mysterious, betrays an ending (or I assume it's an ending), and rambles on about a topic until it starts to feel like an essay and a train of the author's thought as opposed to part of the story.

First of all, rhetorical questions aren't really good things. ^^" They tend to backfire on some readers, especially the smart alecks. "What are dreams?" "Oh, I don't know, maybe the things running through my brain when I'm sleeping?" As you can see, this is not a good tone to set for your piece. Plus, you overdramatized it, which worsens the whole fact that you started with a rhetorical question because the moment I saw the question, I already anticipated the poetic dramatization of what dreams were, what they meant, and etc.

I'll get to my point. One of the rules of writing I adhere to (I don't know if others do) is to start the story as late as possible, so as to ensure there will be conflict from the beginning. This is not as late as possible. This is you, the author, dawdling before getting to the point. This is you trying to hook your reader, but not exactly doing very well. This feels kind of cheap and unfair, which is a shame, because your writing clearly has some talent. Unfortunately, it's wasted on this prologue. >>"

My best friend loves to read books. This is what she said about prologues that betray the endings.

It's really funny when the prologue is all dramatic and stuff and then it tells me the ending and really sort of summarizes the story, because when I finish it I'm all: Welp. No use reading that book.

This is a good, mysterious, you-know-you-wanna-read-more prologue, so excellent start! However, there is a small part that might need clarification. It's with pronouns.

"He could not be pure with her around; the tenacious grip of reason loosening its hold every time he spent a moment in her presence.

Each time he was threatened by his loss of control; each time he got closer to her throat. It was only when she revealed a deadly secret did he realize the seriousness of the situation.

To achieve his dream she must be sacrificed.

She had to die; in order for him to continue living."

First, may I say, this is the best part of your prologue, and I feel kinda bad about nitpicking on it, since it's so beautifully written and mysterious.

So, who's she? When does "Fate" turn into this girl in his dream (I'm presuming the she is partially referring to Fate and partially referring to this girl in his dream)? Both have the pronoun "she," so things can get a little muddled. Clarify things, and your writing is solid gold.

Keep this up and continue writing. Don't worry. A lot of people have this problem. I'm guilty of that too!

Hey! this is really good! i think your chose of words in alot of places were placed very carefully, and played together really well! Just a few things to point out. I don't know how to write in red, so I'll put things in perenthesies when they need consideration in being revised.


What are dreams?

Those foolish and oftentimes desired thoughts that are projected into the mind whilst the body rests unawake, sometimes presented to the open mind once awakened. Those fairytale whims and wishes ever present in the back of the conscious mind, bustling about for the attention that would grant them chance to develop into reality.

It was one of these dreams the brought his life to ruin. It was nothing other than a horrendous thought that transformed, within his mind, to become a tainted treasure to which he clung to. It was this dream that he had deemed reasonable to follow, that had led him to her.

That dream; those unconscious thoughts and wishes that sat, waiting, at the back of his mind had rendered him capable of understanding the profound divinity that is her. It was only cruel Fate that destroyed him before returning to him the necessary foundation that was needed to begin once again.

Fate; she is a cruel deity. It was she who deemed them soul mates, to (You spelled fulfil, like: fulfill.) his dreams before once more tearing them away; like a child who pulls the tenaciously clinging grass blades from the soil. He was destroyed once his dream no longer had the chance to come true - that he would never have the chance to be good; to be pure once more. He could not be pure with her around; the tenacious grip of reason loosening its hold every time he spent a moment in her presence.

Each time he was threatened by his loss of control (Here, instead of a semi colin, consider using a cama.) each time he got closer to her throat. It was only when she revealed a deadly secret did he realize the seriousness of the situation.

To achieve his dream she must be sacrificed.

She had to die; in order for him to continue living.



And that's about all I saw wrong. Other than that, this story is aweseom! I give it four stars! you rock!

Wow! I loved it!
I will be keep an eye out for more of this story for sure.

these dreams that brought his life

Change the to that, but it was probably a typo


I agree wit anasn2 to you MUST work on puncuation, but other than that i really liked the prolouge
Good luck with this

The prologue has everything a prologue should have; the mystery, the attractiveness and the ability to plant within the reader the will to read on. I will most certainly be keeping a close eye on this work. You captured me with the introduction, I'm a big fan of fantasy writing.

On the other hand, a few mistakes to point out:

-

body rests unawake,#FF0000 ">.

these dreams the#FF0000 ">that brought his life