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Falling Dreams Prologue.

by sweetcandycanes


I hear whispering voices in the wind. I see shadows under the lit moonlight. Running down the steep hill, I quickly noticed a corpse. A corpse of a person, holding a shiny object in its hand. I slowly picked it up, observing the object. It was clear as water, shiny as silver, and inside the object in the middle... was a small purple heart. Wolfs howling, bears growling… I looked around to see if there was anyone here in these woods. I heard no people… so I came to a conclusion… that I was the only one of my kind. A dryad.

“Dryads, are creatures, actually, feminine spirits who care for nature in forests. We care for plants and trees. That is your job, Cayra, to protect our home… the forest.” I remember that saying. My guardian, Halia, told me I was a dryad when I was a little girl. She also told me that my father was human and my mother was a dryad, so this makes me half-human. I walk out the dark, depressing cave to see the morning sun. I breathed in the fresh air. Oh, that is right… I had run away from my home. It was because Orcs destroyed it. “We must protect our home from our arch enemy, the Orcs. Orcs are evil creatures, Cayra. They will destroy anything for power. Remember that.” Damn those filthy creatures. They killed my kind and killed my only family… Halia. I walked down the riverside and placed my palms in the water. The water looked so clean. I raised my palms, which was filled with clean water, and took a drink. Mmmmm, so good. I walked back to the cave. Crash. I gasped and quickly grabbed my dagger out of my traveling bag. “W-who’s there?” Crash. I started to shake in fear. Is it an Orc? Is it another monster? The creature came out. It was a boy. “Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare ya.” The boy had long, silky black hair. His ears were pointy and he was carrying a bow and some arrows. I put my dagger back in my traveling bag, sighing in relief. “Who are you?” The boy looked at me with such ease. “My name is Urúvion. I am an Elf. Who might you be?” I scooted one foot back. “M-my name is Cayra. I’m a dryad…” An elf, huh? Hmmm… “Cayra, if you ever meet an elf on your journeys, let the elf accompany you. Elves are very strong and intelligent. They can help you if you ever need help.” Thanks, Halia. Something tells me that I’m going to need this person’s help on my journey to kill the Orcs.


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Thu Sep 23, 2021 1:51 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I hear whispering voices in the wind. I see shadows under the lit moonlight. Running down the steep hill, I quickly noticed a corpse. A corpse of a person, holding a shiny object in its hand. I slowly picked it up, observing the object. It was clear as water, shiny as silver, and inside the object in the middle... was a small purple heart. Wolfs howling, bears growling… I looked around to see if there was anyone here in these woods. I heard no people… so I came to a conclusion… that I was the only one of my kind. A dryad.


Uhh...this is a bit of an odd start. It starts out with some confusion and a person surveying their surroundings which appear to be fairly foreign to them. There's also a sense of something quite bad having gone down here with mentions of death and just generally usually evil imagery getting spread about here. It all comes together to create a pretty gloomy part. This all works really well for the start of a story, until we get to this actual, final line, where they decide that the last of the species and that they are a dryad. It just makes for a bit of an odd phrase there and its hard to see what they're trying to say here.

“Dryads, are creatures, actually, feminine spirits who care for nature in forests. We care for plants and trees. That is your job, Cayra, to protect our home… the forest.” I remember that saying. My guardian, Halia, told me I was a dryad when I was a little girl. She also told me that my father was human and my mother was a dryad, so this makes me half-human. I walk out the dark, depressing cave to see the morning sun. I breathed in the fresh air. Oh, that is right… I had run away from my home. It was because Orcs destroyed it. “We must protect our home from our arch enemy, the Orcs. Orcs are evil creatures, Cayra. They will destroy anything for power. Remember that.” Damn those filthy creatures. They killed my kind and killed my only family… Halia. I walked down the riverside and placed my palms in the water. The water looked so clean. I raised my palms, which was filled with clean water, and took a drink. Mmmmm, so good. I walked back to the cave. Crash. I gasped and quickly grabbed my dagger out of my traveling bag. “W-who’s there?” Crash. I started to shake in fear. Is it an Orc? Is it another monster? The creature came out. It was a boy. “Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare ya.” The boy had long, silky black hair. His ears were pointy and he was carrying a bow and some arrows. I put my dagger back in my traveling bag, sighing in relief. “Who are you?” The boy looked at me with such ease. “My name is Urúvion. I am an Elf. Who might you be?” I scooted one foot back. “M-my name is Cayra. I’m a dryad…” An elf, huh? Hmmm… “Cayra, if you ever meet an elf on your journeys, let the elf accompany you. Elves are very strong and intelligent. They can help you if you ever need help.” Thanks, Halia. Something tells me that I’m going to need this person’s help on my journey to kill the Orcs.


Hmm...the ending here deteriorates quite a bit. It just became far too infodumpy far too fast. The start was good besides that last line and it created an atmosphere built around a relatively slow pace, but here it picks up the pace very quickly and it seems like a classic case of you trying to show us the rules and details of the world, which is understandable, we all do that, especially in this genre but you've gotta be a lot more careful about how things like this come across here, you need to blend it seamless into the story, I can see you've tried by putting it as flashbacks rather than outright description, but still, this hasn't worked very well here. So yeah I'd suggest a bit of a rewrite here. Overall, this has a neat premise and it seems interesting enough that I'd potentially read it, but we've got some issue here and there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Mar 27, 2011 10:34 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

I found this very info-dumpy. You give us the basic structure of your world, but not much else. That's fine for a first draft, but for later drafts try to improve on these areas:

Pacing: Right now, your pace is very quick. You're giving us pieces of information one right after the other, with nearly a new piece of information every sentence. This makes it near impossible for readers to process the information you're giving us, and it doesn't give us a good grasp of your character. Slowing this down, and letting her think about the information she's coming across (and the situation, so we know what's going on) would really help. Check out this article for some more tips.

Redundancy: You reword a fair chunk of information, making things readers had already figured out painfully redundant. The biggest example that comes to mind is "She also told me that my father was human and my mother was a dryad, so this makes me half-human." The part after "so" is already very obvious to readers. Be very careful you don't treat your readers like they're stupid— they'll not continue reading.

A good hook: Grab our attention with the beginning. Right now, the pace is making this rather confusing. But I think you could give some more "immediacy" to the scene— make us worried about what's going on at this minute instead of giving us backstory. Only give backstory as needed. This article goes into more depth on beginnings.

Overall, this is an interesting concept, but it could use a lot more polishing.

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything!

~Rosey




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Fri Mar 18, 2011 3:02 pm
Phaix wrote a review...



hey! I noticed that you are currently review-less. now thats just not fair!

Your idea for the forest spirits is lovely, I have similar ideas in my more recent work. I am obsessed with forest guardians!!

Your writing however does need some work. It's a bit scattered - so The first thing I'd recommend i trying to get the structure correct and stable - including your settings. I was a bit confused as to where this all happened. I thought your character was on a hill? But then all of a sudden, she's in a cave? It would be good if this was made clearer. If indeed these two different settings indicate two different sections of the prologue, as in one happening at a different time to the other, than that needs clearing up too.

I love your first sentence!

I hear whispering voices in the wind. I see shadows under the lit moonlight.


maybe change "lit moonlight" to silvery moonlight. Moonlight is generally lit, so you missed an opportunity to deepen the description!:D i do love the image however, its a great, simple way to get things started. Take the power you found in these sentences and apply them to the rest of the piece. I did also notice that you changed the tenses you used. You started in present, and then changed to past a sentence later. Keep an eye on that!

Dont be too simplistic. for example, just saying "crash" to indicate a sound doesnt work too well. Describe the sound. Did it clatter? bang? shatter? what about the direction it came from, etc? think about each event with every single sense of the body. Do this and you'll immediately be writing a lot better :D

Also dont forget your paragraphs! This refers back to my point about structure.

My final point; avoid cliches. Obviously, orcs and elves are seen as traditional fantasy, and in themselves have every right to appear in a great fantasy story. Just remember to make it your own! Does the elf have to have pointed ears, for example? Think about some more interesting ways of distinguishing him as a different species :D

All in all, well done! Keep it up and I'd love to review you again! please PM me if you have any requests. Good luck in all your writing endevours!!





“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester