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Experiment - Preview

by pterascreams


"How long has it been?" Kira heard a voice ask, in a feeble tone, from across the room. At least it sounded like it was coming from across the room; it was pitch black so she couldn't be sure. "Well considering you came in a couple of hours after the rest of us got back from the testing rooms, I'd say about three days." Dillon, Kira's brother, replied. The newest addition to what the Techs referred to as their family began to sob softly upon hearing the reply.

Everyone broke down in one way or another when they first arrived at The Lab. They all got used to it eventually. Kira and Dillon had been imprisoned at The Lab since she was six and he was nine. Now she was seventeen, and he was twenty.

Every day was almost exactly the same. The door would open long enough to get carts in for their meals, and then slam in their faces. The light was on only three times a day. Five minutes for breakfast, ten for lunch, and fifteen for supper. Other than that, they lived in darkness.

The only days that were different were testing days. They were taken as a group into one testing room or another. There they were forced to endure cruelties that could sometimes make you lose your lunch.

With the new addition there were ten of them again. Maya, the only person who had been there longer than Kira and Dillon had died in the middle of a test. The Techs were so angry that meals were cancelled for two days.


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Fri Sep 24, 2021 11:19 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

"How long has it been?" Kira heard a voice ask, in a feeble tone, from across the room. At least it sounded like it was coming from across the room; it was pitch black so she couldn't be sure. "Well considering you came in a couple of hours after the rest of us got back from the testing rooms, I'd say about three days." Dillon, Kira's brother, replied. The newest addition to what the Techs referred to as their family began to sob softly upon hearing the reply.


Hmm...well this is a little hard to judge where this is all taking place, but we do get the sense that this is not a very happy occasion by any means and some dangerous situations are potentially going on in the background judging by the general experiments and testing theme that we've got going on here...on top of the general tone of sadness going on with the dialogue here. At any rate, its an interesting start here.

Everyone broke down in one way or another when they first arrived at The Lab. They all got used to it eventually. Kira and Dillon had been imprisoned at The Lab since she was six and he was nine. Now she was seventeen, and he was twenty.

Every day was almost exactly the same. The door would open long enough to get carts in for their meals, and then slam in their faces. The light was on only three times a day. Five minutes for breakfast, ten for lunch, and fifteen for supper. Other than that, they lived in darkness.


OKay...well this paragraph manages to lay out exactly what's going on pretty nicely there, and well the picture that is being painted at the moment is a properly powerful one there...you get the sense that some pretty dangerous things are going down in this area and people being held hostage from as young an age as is described here just raises soo many questions about how all of this might work. These few paragraphs manage to be a pretty powerful hook here for the story.

The only days that were different were testing days. They were taken as a group into one testing room or another. There they were forced to endure cruelties that could sometimes make you lose your lunch.

With the new addition there were ten of them again. Maya, the only person who had been there longer than Kira and Dillon had died in the middle of a test. The Techs were so angry that meals were cancelled for two days.


Well this ending manages to properly cement the attitude of whoever is running the tests here. Its one that extraordinarily cruel tests are being run on children, but to punish them for one of them dying in one of those cruel tests not to mention the fact that these people seem to be able to get a replacement for a child being lost in a test really fast there. Overall, I think this is a pretty powerful scene to kick things off here. You do a pretty good job, this is certainly interesting enough that I'd want to read more here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:18 pm
Dreamwalker wrote a review...



Howdy, Pteura! Walker here, as requested - though very sorry about this being late - and I just wanted to say that there sure was a lot going on in such a small piece xD. But, because it was small, I'm just going to get to my overall and maybe throw in a few nit-picks if I can think of any.

Overall:

You have an interesting plot idea here, but it feels so short that it could be seen as a synopsis or a structure of which a writer may or may not write before they start a novel. If thats what you were going for, then I'm not quite sure what to say on the subject xD.

But yeah, I definitely love the concept. You've got me with that. Just that, and I know the name is a nice one, but Kira is a very... persian name. One you don't often here in American or any language close to English for that matter. Because of this, I would change the name Kira to something a little more English like Emily or something of that general sort. Kira seems... off. Especially next to the very normal name of Dillon.

"How long has it been?" Kira heard a voice ask, in a feeble tone, from across the room. At least it sounded like it was coming from across the room; it was pitch black so she couldn't be sure. "Well considering you came in a couple of hours after the rest of us got back from the testing rooms, I'd say about three days." Dillon, Kira's brother, replied. The newest addition to what the Techs referred to as their family began to sob softly upon hearing the reply.


Here you have two different voice's quotes up in the same paragraph. Technically that is bad punctuation. If you want to keep what you've got, cut this paragraph in two so that we can see that this is two different people talking as the rules of quotations go.

Other than that, theres not much I can say other than the fact that you have an interesting idea and that I hope to read more if you ever get around to posting a full chapter of some sort. Then I could easily go into things like Character Development and Description that can't rightly come with just a couple introduction paragraphs.

Keep writing and I'll keep reading!
~Walker




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Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:58 pm
Titan4ever wrote a review...



I really liked it, and I can't wait to read more. One thing I noticed didn't look right, to me anyways, was

The light was on only three times a day.
I think it should be The light was only on three times a day. Overall, I really liked it and really e=want you to write more!




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Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:53 pm
Ranger Hawk wrote a review...



Hey there, Hawk here for a review!

Okay, so overall sounds like a promising start -- reminded me of The Maze Runner a bit, from what I could gather, and I'm really looking forward to seeing where you go with this! You've explained enough to whet my appetite, without bogging the story down with unnecessary details or making me lose interest.

"How long has it been?" Kira heard a voice ask, in a feeble tone, from across the room. At least it sounded like it was coming from across the room; it was pitch black so she couldn't be sure. "Well considering you came in a couple of hours after the rest of us got back from the testing rooms, I'd say about three days." Dillon, Kira's brother, replied. The newest addition to what the Techs referred to as their family began to sob softly upon hearing the reply.


This should really be at least three different paragraphs: the first one is just the dialogue line, the second starts with "Kira" and goes to "be sure." The third paragraph starts off with the new dialogue. Every time someone different speaks, you want to show it by separating the dialogue into a new paragraph. Also, with Dillon's response, you should have a comma at the end of his words instead of a period. I'm no great shakes at explaining the rules, so read this link if you'd like, it does a great job of explaining dialogue punctuation.

Other than that, I have no further nitpicks! Please PM me when you post more, and don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work! Cheers. (:




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Fri Feb 25, 2011 9:00 pm
imaginemymind wrote a review...



I'm not a big fan of science - fiction but this was good. I like this alot actually. There wasn't anything the needed correcting since it was a small piece. I'll definitley be looking forward to the first chapter. Just make sure you show, not tell. I know this was only a preview but for future chapters keep that in mind.
Good job , Keep writing -Imaginemymind





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