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Assasen Prolog

by LareenBaker


First I must say one thing, I have bad speling, please help. I have a very high vocabulary. So if you find something spelled wrong, sorry.

Assasen

Prolog

The mysterious figers creeped closer. The shadow commanding them slowed them to a halt.

“You might as well come out, I know your there,” the voice seemed to come out of the fire it's self. The figers stopped, and whirily approached the Fire Goddess. That's what they called the beautiful women sitting in the coles of the dieing fire.

“Come closer, that's right. Now, I know you want to attack your nabors, and Relta is in your way. I'll show you how to defite it, but I must get something in return. I want Relta. You Monetans are the true warriors, not those Reltins. Yet they still stand in your way. Give me Relta, and I'll show you how to bet it,” the voice was intoxicating.

A rough voice answered hers, “Well do that as long as you tell us your name, goddess.”

“My name? Well then, you shall. My name is Larween.”


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Mon Sep 27, 2021 11:35 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The mysterious figers creeped closer. The shadow commanding them slowed them to a halt.

“You might as well come out, I know your there,” the voice seemed to come out of the fire it's self. The figers stopped, and whirily approached the Fire Goddess. That's what they called the beautiful women sitting in the coles of the dieing fire.

“Come closer, that's right. Now, I know you want to attack your nabors, and Relta is in your way. I'll show you how to defite it, but I must get something in return. I want Relta. You Monetans are the true warriors, not those Reltins. Yet they still stand in your way. Give me Relta, and I'll show you how to bet it,” the voice was intoxicating.

A rough voice answered hers, “Well do that as long as you tell us your name, goddess.”

“My name? Well then, you shall. My name is Larween.”


Hmm, this is an interesting piece here. Despite being as short as it is, I feel like it manages to bring across a sufficiently mysterious and interesting scene to the reader that also happens to feel complete and that's quite nice to see. Its also something that appears to work as a prologue, while it might also be better served as a first chapter especially if you plan to continue with these same characters in the chapters to come. Its a bit harder to judge this one cause we don't know what the first chapter looks like but that's something to keep in mind.

You manage to build a good amount of tension and mystery in this character with the figures creeping up and the general assassin nature of how things are going here. I think it manages to pull the reader in fairly well here and keeps our attention for the duration of the piece. There are hints at some pretty nice worldbuilding having been done in the background too...so that always is a nice bonus here.

Overall, an effective prologue despite how small it is and the spelling issues aren't too bad...nothing that a little autocorrect can't fix for ya :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Nov 28, 2010 8:19 pm
funkyreg101 wrote a review...



LareenBaker wrote:First I must say one thing, I have bad speling, please help. I have a very high vocabulary. So if you find something spelled wrong, sorry.


#00FF00 ">Assassin


#00FF00 ">Prologue


The mysterious #00FF00 ">figures crept closer. The shadow commanding them slowed them to a halt.

“You might as well come out#40FF00 ">; I know #40FF00 ">you're there#40FF00 ">.” The #FF0000 ">I think that would flow better.voice seemed to come out of the fire #40FF00 ">itself. The #40FF00 ">figures stopped#FF0000 ">, get rid of the comma and #40FF00 ">wearily approached the Fire Goddess. That's what they called the beautiful women sitting in the #40FF00 ">coals of the #40FF00 ">dying fire.

“Come closer#00FF00 "> . That's right. Now, I know you want to attack your #00FF00 ">neighbors #00FF00 "> but Relta is in your way. I'll show you how to #00FF00 ">defeat it, but I must get something in return. I want Relta. You Monetans are the true warriors, not those Reltins. Yet they still stand in your way. Give me Relta, and I'll show you how to #00FF00 ">beat it#00FF00 ">.” The voice was intoxicating.

A rough voice answered hers, “ #00FF00 ">we'll do that as long as you tell us your name#00FF00 "> Goddess.”

“My name? Well then, #00FF00 ">you shall#FF0000 ">you shall what? That doesn't fit there. Change it to I shall tell you, or get rid of the whole sentince.. My name is Larween.”



Okay, so first of all, this is really short. Prologues nees to be a lot longer than this, this is about a third of the size it needs to be.
Work on your spelling a bit, too!

Here's a rule about words like we'll. Take away the ' and it's just well. Ever seen the saying

let's eat, grandma!
or
Lets eat grandma!

Punctuation really is needed. If it helps, say the word out loud in the sentince. Let's say you're using it's in a sentince.
Did you know it's raining outside?

You can say:
Did you know it is raining outside?

And it still makes sense! But if you said something like:
To my surprise, something fell out of its pocket.

if you used it's instead of its, it would sound like this:
To my surprise, something fell out of it is pocket.

Doesn's sound right, does it. If there is a word that is two words put together, put a ' where the letter is taken out of the second word. Ex:
Doesn't:
Does+ not, ' instead of o= doesn't.

Wouldn't:
Would+ not; ' instead of o= doesn't

Make sense?? Hope I helped!




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Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:45 pm
emmylove wrote a review...



Because your title is spelled wrong, I will just fix all of the errors. Sorry, but I have good spelling, and bad spelling annoys me.

#FF8000 ">Assassin


#FF8000 ">Prologue

The mysterious #FF8000 ">figures #FF8000 ">crept closer. The shadow commanding them slowed them to a halt.
“You might as well come out, I know #FF8000 ">you're there,” the voice seemed to come out of the fire #FF8000 ">itself. The #FF8000 ">figures stopped, and #FF0000 ">whirily (I don't know what that's supposed to mean, so I don't know if I should fix it) approached the Fire Goddess. That's what they called the beautiful #FF8000 ">woman sitting in the #FF8000 ">coals of the #FF8000 ">dying fire.
“Come closer, that's right. Now, I know you want to attack your #FF8000 ">neighbors, and Relta is in your way. I'll show you how to #FF8000 ">defeat (is that even the word you wanted?) it, but I must get something in return. I want Relta. You Monetans are the true warriors, not those Reltins. Yet they still stand in your way. Give me Relta, and I'll show you how to #FF8000 ">beat it,” the voice was intoxicating.
A rough voice answered hers, “#FF8000 ">We'll do that as long as you tell us your name, goddess.”
“My name? Well then, you shall. My name is Larween.”

Now that the spelling is taken care of, I'll help with your grammar. Every time a new person begins speaking, you need to start a new paragraph. Every. Single. Time. No exceptions. Now, if you were going to do some descriptions about what that person was doing while s/he was speaking, then that's a little different. For now, just focus on new paragraphs. Also, with dialogue tags, make sure your grammar is correct for when they're before and after the dialogue. "...the voice was intoxicating," for instance. After "it" in the dialogue should be a period and "the" should be capitalized.

Next is the dialogue. To me, it was a little confusing, but that's probably because you didn't describe the setting very well. Even in prologues, the reader should have a sense of what's going on. Also, you did a bit of repeating things that didn't make sense. "...and Relta is in your way. I'll show you how to defeat it, but I must get something in return. I want Relta. You Monetans are the true warriors, not those Reltins. Yet they still stand in you way. Give me Relta, and I'll show you how to beat it." Is Relta a country? A person? I can't tell. You're talking about Relta as if it's a person, so if it's a country, make it sound like one. If it's a person, make it sound like one. Is it a boy or a girl? Until I know what Relta is, not only is that passage repetitive, therefore a bit boring, but it's also confusing.

One more thing. It seems as if the Fire Goddess telling the people her name is a big deal, but you haven't created any suspense for it, or any sort of mood. Try and do that :P

There are other things I want to mention, but I'd like you to fix those things first and then I'd like to read it again. The concept is interesting, but the way you execute it here is not. Keep writing.

That is all.




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Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:40 pm
canislupis wrote a review...



Hi!

First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you love the site as much as I do. It's great that you're already posting and getting the hang of the site. I know you haven't gotten any reviews yet, but it's not generally a good idea to bump your work by double posting. If you need a review, you can try out the Will Review For Food forum, where lots of people are actually asking for works to review! It's nice if you review other peoples' works too, so that they recognize your username or want to read your work in return. Plus, reviewing other stories is one of the best ways to improve your own. Anyway, on to your story!

There's also a spelling checker on YWS--it makes your life so much easier. (I know I used to have lots of trouble with spelling. Reading a lot helps) Most word processing programs also have spell checkers. Look for the "check spelling" button on the top left. But for now, here is how your story should look (with proper spelling and grammar)

Assassin



Prologue


The mysterious figures (What makes them mysterious?) crept closer. The shadow commanding them slowed them no need to say 'them' twice to a halt.
“You might as well come out, I know you're there,” the voice seemed to come out of the fire itsself. The figures stopped, and warily approached the Fire Goddess. That's what they called the beautiful women sitting in the coles of the dieing fire.You just told us what they called her--no need to say it twice.
“Come closer, that's right. Now, I know you want to attack your neighbors, and Relta is in your way. I'll show you how to defeat it, but I must get something in return. I want Relta. You Monetans are the true warriors, not those Reltins. Yet they still stand in your way. Give me Relta, and I'll show you how to beat it,” the voice was intoxicating.
A rough voice answered hers, “We'll do that as long as you tell us your name, goddess.”
“My name? Well then, you shall. My name is Larween.”


See How much cleaner that looks?

Anyway, with regards to the actual story-it's very short. Not very much happens. And, really, it would be better to start with some action. Have you heard of the #1 most repeated (annoying) rule of fiction? "Show don't tell." Yep. Well, you'e mostly telling here. Why not show an actual battle? At this point we also don't know anything of the characters, other than that they are "mysterious" (Try SHOWING how mysterious they are. Are they wearing cloaks? Are they otherwise odd-looking or wreathed in shadow?). And where are they all? They could be sitting in a sunny park, for all we know. All of these things will flesh out your story and make it more satisfying.

And I would love to read another part! Let me know if you post it or need help with anything here.

See you around!

Lupis




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Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:46 am
LareenBaker says...



This is a work in progress, i have 2 chapters wating in the wings if people like this, so please reply!!!!
Thanks!!
~LareenBaker





I would be a terrible novel protagonist.
— mellifera