Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
"And thats how u multiply a negative times a negative" Mr.Smith utterd. "Are you awake Mrs.Kraft?" "Oh yes sir!" I quickly said before he could catch me sleeping in class. The bell rang. "See you tommrow everyone!" "So Jessica did you get the promblem in class?" Jake said. Jake was my best friend. We have known each other since we were in diapers wich is a little weird if you ask me. He had the prettiest green eyes. It looked like I was staring into a sea of shamrocks.Plus he had an adorable southern accent that got me every time he talked to me. Also this year as freshman's or as seniours call us "freshmeat", we have every class together . We left the classroom. "So how was yur summer?" he asked. "It was ok i guess. You?" "Oh mine was awesome! i got to take a trip to key west, it was really nice." "Thats good, wish i could have went and get out of the house." As Jake told me about his trip to the Keys we headed to the lunch room. "Oh joy, gotta love the food here..." "Yea i know its horrible" he said. We didnt eat. All we did the period was talk and talk, till i heard the lunch doors fly open. As i stare at the most cutest and hottest guy I have ever layed my eyes on, it was the boy I have liked since 7th grade. Tyler Smith. Now i thought to myself this is gonna be the best year.
Okay..so, at first glance there's a bit of a major issue in this first chapter here. The formatting here is all over the place. There's multiple scenes and multiple speaking all happening at the same time in this piece and it all needs to be put into separate paragraphs or we end up with this rather jumbled and tough to read single mass of text here. That isn't a great note to start a first chapter. On top of that, this also ends up sounding very rushed, and I think this could really use a little bit of fleshing out on top of being split into paragraphs.
Anyways moving past those issue and into what we already have here, this is a very neutral piece here. It not really dipping into the realm of boring, but there doesn't seem to be too much that's unique and stands out either. It seems to be a rather generic person going about a rather generic day and it really doesn't quite speak to you as a reader and give you a reason to want to continue...there's no proper hook here...I think you're going to need to work on that a little bit here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4129
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