Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this story was a bit of a overly stretched one. It just felt like the description went on and on without any signs of stopping and it just didn't really convey the shock of the actual story very well. The whole thing was very much diluted. That being said they were some great descriptions with some really good language being used.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Darkness, but realisation of darkness. His eyes slid open and the night ended, light caught his face, harshly at first even though it barely filtered through the white curtain. His eyes focused and from the mist she emerged. The weak light shone on her and in reflecting from her pale skin it seemed to grow brighter and infinitely softer. Her dark hair lay as shadows across her face and through the bed sheets the faintest hints of curves could be seen. Sleep still cradled her in its arms and her face was so relaxed and calm he could almost imagine that she was yet to be born to this world. One beautiful porcelain hand lay open, free of the sheets; he slid his hand up until his fingers lay across hers. She stirred slightly and her hand closed, upon meeting the unexpected resistance of his fingers the soft fingertips probed every line of his hand until, as if they stumbled across some subtle sign which without a doubt proved the identity of the hand, her fingers closed gently around his and she released a sigh so gentle it was nearly lost among the unnoticeable breezes of the room. Her blue eyes opened, and in that moment before she saw him he saw her true beauty and innocence. She focused on him and slowly a smile grew on her lips, which then parted to utter

“Good morning my love” He smiled back. Gentle silhouettes played on the curtain, as the wind played with her hair. He rolled onto his back and let his eyes close once more, no soon had the snow soft light ceased to fall through his eyes than he felt the gentle weight and warmth of her leg resting on his and her head on his shoulder.

Vision returned to him, but he saw no ethereal light, darkness and the moons etchings was all he could discern. La Luna’s rays painted blooded shadows over those skeletal sheets. His mind still buzzed with the memory of the dream, and her. The bed once so full of life was now desolate and barren, a savage wind played with the tattered curtains which cast fleeting and furtive shades across the room. With the destruction of the dream within his mind he suddenly felt the sheets enclosing him, groping mindlessly at his frame. He threw of the sheets and with the determination of a dying man rose from that grim altar.

The story is basically two halfs to the same, well story i guess, the main character sleeps during the day and when he does he dreams of "her" and recalls his memories with her, only for him to wake up everynight to be tormented by the present in which she has left him and his perceptions of the memories, which are light and good in his dreams, are tainted by his knowledge of the end result. The other post is the same story but there is no sequence yet and i am having real difficulties tieing the whole shebang together, any advice would be more than welcome but i get the impression i just need to sit down and focus on this for a solid weekend.

I liked this and would like to read more if you continue. I noticed you have another version with the same name, is it meant to be the same story?

Cheers for the advice, grammar isn't my strongest point, partially due to me doing english lit without english language so there is no real focus on how you write, more on what you write about. Thank you very much for the good review, now just to turn this into a true story rather than little bits of one.

Your definitely good at descriptions, and I liked the general tone of the story. Some of your grammar could use help though. The first three sentences provide a good example:
"Darkness, but realisation of darkness. His eyes slid open and the night ended, light caught his face, harshly at first even though it barely filtered through the white curtain. His eyes focused and from the mist she emerged."
Be careful about using commas; you used them wrong every time.

The first comma is excusable since it's for literary purposes. The second one, though, is a comma splice; you're using a comma where there should be a period. Replacing it with either a period of a semi-colon would do the trick. The third is unneccesary. You'd only have a comma there if you were introducing a participal phrase. As "harshly" is an adverb, and thus describing how the light hit his face, you don't need one. But, you do need one before "even though" as it represents a shift in the sentence. You also need a comma in front of the "and" in the third sentence since the two clauses can both stand by themselves.

However, I really liked this. It provides a good snapshot of a ten second moment and is engrossing. Your word choice fits perfectly with the tone, and your descriptions are really vivid. To say that all another way, your writing style is very, very good.