Young Writers Society

I'm writing a story and right now it's 20 pages in word. my friend really likes it and i just need a second on that so i don't feel like my friend is just saying that.

I'm only putting in excerpts or whatever you call it.

Ash Filled Tears

She walked out of the bedroom. As she did she heard a gun shot echo from the upstairs bedroom. As much as Charlotte knew it was wrong, she went into the basement and opened the door to the passage that led out of the house. Leaving the corpse of her dead mother to be found by anyone who cared or didn’t care. Not shedding a single tear.

~*~

Jordan leaned against the wall, lighting a cigarette he stole from the local gas station. As the smoke filled his lungs he thought about his new hiding spot. It didn’t look like anyone used the tunnel for years He took another drag, happy to find a place to stay, maybe for good.

He was not happy to be back in this town though. Memories had their place here, and he felt like he was disturbing their sacred rest.

Taking another drag of the cigarette, he thought he heard something coming from deeper inside the tunnel. He had yet to search that part.

He couldn’t tell how far away whatever was making the noises was. The sounds echoed off the walls and coursed throughout his body.

Cautiously, he stalked deeper into the tunnel. I fear nothing he thought to himself, trying to calm his racing pulse.

~*~

Charlotte clicked on the flashlight she took out of her duffel bag. She still felt no remorse for her mother even though she knew she should.

As she walked, her flashlight beam hit something standing in the center of the passage. She did a double take as the beam landed on a tall figure.

Jordan shielded his eyes against the ray as it hit his face. Well at least he knew what was making the noises. As the light drifted away from his face, he could see the silhouette of a person, but that was all he was able to make out with the amount of light he had.

“How did you get down here?” he inquired.

At that Charlotte burst into a fury or tears. Her knees buckled and she slid down, the boy going down with her.

She could now feel her remorse for her mother. She could feel the hatred for her father. She could feel they pity she had for herself. Every feeling she had was on fire, coming out through her tears.

~*~

“So what’s your name?” he asked still keeping his smile.

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.” She replied.

He laughed heartedly, “You sound like a third grader. My name’s Jordan, now tell me yours.”

“Charlotte. Nice to meet you on this fine night Jordan.” She said jokingly.

At that time charlotte realized what she was doing. She was joking and having fun with a total stranger. Well he wasn’t really a total stranger anymore now that she knew his name but that wasn’t the point.

~*~

She could hear him walking behind her but chose to ignore him. She couldn’t let him get close to her. She couldn’t joke with him or talk to him. Everyone she got close to ended up hurting her, and she couldn’t take much more pain.

those are just bits and peices of my story

if you like it please tell me

or if you have any suggestions those would help too