I LOVED this. The ship metaphors were beautiful and the fact that you related it all to each other without overdoing it is fantastic.
Before reading please understand I am very fond of free verse poetry, and I often don't rhyme. I'm fully aware that only half my poem follows any rhyme scheme, but thats the way it came out and I don't have the heart to change it.
His waist lifted high
tossing my ship upon the torrid ocean of his flesh
I felt my bows strain
as though the final break were near
There were leaks between my masts
sliding, slipping, crashing waves
that rose and fell within my swell
and caused cries from my throat
The ocean was my God of love
my partner, raging Poseidon
my ship was made of gentle curves
of flesh, and hips to ride on
"My maidenhead!", I sighed and wailed
dubbing my ship thusly
as he rocked my masts and kissed my sails
and drove me ever further
The dark shroud of my crow's nest
had been stained with drops of sea
the sea that churned between us
as our hips met desperately
----------------
Thanks for reading, darlings.
Humbly Immodest-- Veloura
I LOVED this. The ship metaphors were beautiful and the fact that you related it all to each other without overdoing it is fantastic.
Mostly, very good. A few of the ship allusions felt forced, but the overall running metaphor was very effective.
My nit pick:
"The ocean was my God of love
my partner, raging Poseidon
my ship was made of gentle curves
of flesh, and hips to ride on "
Poseidon is a greek god. Aphrodite is the greek goddess of love. Stick with one mythology per stanza, please.
Interesting the way you used the ocean. I found the structure quite effective, good use of metaphors.
120,357 Literary Works • 649,558 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 21
Donate