Young Writers Society



The Outcasts

by ShadowofTheDay


Okay, so this is just an idea on a story. please give some critique!

I awoke to the sun coming in the small window of the hut. I rolled over and saw my twin sister, Asana, sitting by the piles of clothing. "Why are you up so early?" I asked. "Just wanted to get a head start on these dresses." "Mother will be coming to pick up the veils for Elaine later. She'll have some more jobs for us." She sighed. "Why do we live out here? We're not so different." In treetop village, we were the outcasts, the strange ones. We honestly weren't so different. In our village, there are two classes, thick bones and thin bones. The thick bones are our fighters, the warriors. The thin bones did jobs like making weapons and pottery. Sometimes they made jewelry. But then, every few years, their was a 'mistake'. Someone who wasn't either of the types, a medium. Not the kind that can tell the future, just people with thicker bones than the thin ones, or thinner bones than the thick ones. Because of this, two princesses are living in exile, miles out of town. We were made into slaves with little food and no company besides ourselves. Once a week, the queen, our mother, comes to see us and gives us supplies and jobs. Last week, we had to make veils for our little sister Elaine, who is a thin-bone. We've met her once, one the day of her birth. Once father saw her, he waved at his guards who grabbed us and threw us out of the village.

This is just the intro, hope you liked it...


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3848 Reviews


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Reviews: 3848

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Thu Dec 01, 2022 9:56 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I awoke to the sun coming in the small window of the hut. I rolled over and saw my twin sister, Asana, sitting by the piles of clothing. "Why are you up so early?" I asked. "Just wanted to get a head start on these dresses." "Mother will be coming to pick up the veils for Elaine later. She'll have some more jobs for us." She sighed. "Why do we live out here? We're not so different." In treetop village, we were the outcasts, the strange ones. We honestly weren't so different. In our village, there are two classes, thick bones and thin bones. The thick bones are our fighters, the warriors. The thin bones did jobs like making weapons and pottery. Sometimes they made jewelry. But then, every few years, their was a 'mistake'. Someone who wasn't either of the types, a medium. Not the kind that can tell the future, just people with thicker bones than the thin ones, or thinner bones than the thick ones. Because of this, two princesses are living in exile, miles out of town. We were made into slaves with little food and no company besides ourselves. Once a week, the queen, our mother, comes to see us and gives us supplies and jobs. Last week, we had to make veils for our little sister Elaine, who is a thin-bone. We've met her once, one the day of her birth. Once father saw her, he waved at his guards who grabbed us and threw us out of the village.


Okayy...well this is intriguing. It seems like as an intro what we've really got here is a mix of a premise of some sort and touches of backstory mixed in with a lot of bits of worldbuilding here and I have to say on first glance I am intrigued by what I am seeing here. There's quite a few interesting things being scattered about here and I like the way some of this is coming across here.

It does appear to be a rather detailed little world being built up here and its gone beyond just simply the world here too by the looks of things because we are seeing hints of other things coming into play as well. So on the whole I am loving the ideas being presented here. The sort of premise there is a bit more cliche than the world itself but it should still work okay, those are always powerful stories when done correctly.

So overall, I think you've got a good little foundation here. This little introduction here seems quite promising and I would personally like to know more about this world and this situation.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat May 23, 2009 10:02 pm
Phantomofthebasket wrote a review...



Hello. =)
Before I get to the review, I just thought I had better mention that YWS likes it that before you post a story, you give two reviews.
So make sure you give two before you post anything else, okay? =D

Now, onto the review.
First things first.
The big long single paragraph. Don't have that. Whenever someone new talks, start a new paragraph. one, it takes up more space (in case you have a page length that you need to do--a very good hint for an English paper of sorts =P) and its easier to read.
Generally, when readers see one large paragraph, they tend to avoid it if they can.
So, just keep that in mind when going back to edit.

The story itself seems like an interesting concept.
It could have lots of potential, if you expanded all of the ideas and gave more description.
Keep it up. =D





Moo.
— Cow