Published February 24, 2008
9:21. Two minutes separate the hallway from the threat of blooming to a jungle of hormone-infested creatures. Everyone, except one, is tense, diligently watching the red menace of the clock. Marty, as always, is watching the painful beauty beneath it.
He hoped that she wouldn't turn his way. A sweat bead inched in the side of his oily face as he tried hard to forget what it would feel like being a prisoner of those heart-melting blue eyes, escaping only to fall into those full red lips. It was too much; he closed his eyes.
9:22. Annie felt like bolting through the door, away from the eternity she had left with Spanish class. She was tapping her high-heels in the floor. She wondered what Jenny would think of her new shirt. She sighed, then looked around in the room. She landed her eyes on Marty.
He froze; even his sweat bead slowed a bit. The air around him stilled, running away and leaving him breathless. He couldn't think; there was nothing to think about. There was only those eyes, the deep blue ocean he was drowning on. He was at the mercy of this goddess.
9:23, and a buzz that pierced his cage. Annie released her prisoner, turning away as she left the room. Marty, still quite frozen, dragged his feet out into the jungle outside. He palmed the sweat bead stuck in limbo. She had lost him; next time she wouldn't be so forgiving.
--
Sorry if I submit twice in one day, I've been forgetting to post them. And this isn't even long enough to be called flash fiction (according to Wikipedia I'm short 2 words).
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,884 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
When I read the first three lines, I had honestly thought that they were staging a prison break-out. It was only when I moved on to the next paragraph that I realized how greatly I had mistaken the theme of the story, for this is more of a romance fiction than a dramatic, action thriller!
Now, I really loved your narration! It was poignant and dramatic without being too exaggerated. I liked how you have emphasized the most minute and subtle details, the slight changes in positions and emotions. I think you have portrayed Marty's fixation with Annie very well. I did not know whether to feel creeped out by this silently dragged out exchange or feel thrilled at the prospect of a potential romance. Either way, you did a great job of investing the readers in a single moment shared between the characters.
I liked the fact that you included the time in the format of the story. It made the scene feel even more poignant, as though we were moving in slow motion. It put more emphasis on all those subtle changes I was talking about and expressed the rush of emotions that Marty experienced in that moment.
If I have complaint regarding this piece, then it would have to be the sudden tense change in the second paragraph. The story started in the present tense but then with the passage of time, it changed and stayed for the remaining part in the past tense. Since this is flash fiction, these kind of little errors tend to stick out from the narration and easily catch the reader's attention.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
I didn't really think I was going for a story - just a moment in time, like a haiku. But in flash fiction. And sorry for the grammar mistakes, I wrote this went I'm sleepy (and I have to edit it tomorrow because I'm sleepy now too). Thanks for the feedback!
I think I liked this. XD
Shouldn't that be "She was tapping her high-heels AGAINST the floor?" Or maybe "ON the floor?"The first go 'round, I had not clue what I was reading, but the second time it made more sense. I like how it was all one big metaphor, even though that is why I was so confused at first.
One major thing that bothered me is that the first paragraph is in present tense whereas the rest of the piece is in past. You might have done that on purpose, but I thought I'd point that out anyway.
I think it should either be "She sighed, then looked around inside the room." or you should just delete the "in" all together.
Should be "...drowning IN" methinks.
-------------------
I think this might go better in Romance Fiction, but I guess that's up to you.
If I was unclear about anything, feel free to PM me!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
Hello there! *waves* I think I've seen you around YWS a couple times.
"Her eyes landed on Marty" would get rid of the passive voice here.
"That" is unnecessary there, and it'd be best just to get rid of it.
Hmm... this is an odd bit of flash fiction (which, by the way, never listen to Wikipedia. Lol). I'm not entirely sure what it's about? But I suppose that's a good thing -- leaves a lot to the imagination, which is kind of the point of flash fiction.
Anyway, your ending kind of drops off and there's not much rising action. I think you should come up with a more natural conclusion and make your climax a bit more dramatic, because right now it's kind of bland and boring and blah.
But the writing is good at the very least, and yay for quick reads, lol. It's fast and fluent and generally well-writen. Good job!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Nah, there's not really a minimum length for flash -- consider Hemingway's six-word story: "For sale -- baby shoes, never worn." That's flash fiction, even being so short.
Prokaryote