In The Shadows

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really well-written story. I love the way you have captured Artemis's emotions, the guilt and remorse in him was so powerful that I could feel it before I even caught up with the story and understood what exactly was going on. In fact, that is one of the strong points of this story - the clear portrayal of the emotions of the character. It added a depth to this character we have just encountered and it makes us empathize with him even without knowing or understanding.

However, I did feel as though there was more to the story. It felt like you have provided us here with a short scene of the 'afterwards' without giving us a glimpse of the main event that took place. It makes it a little difficult to follow the story as we have to read between the lines and organize the plot points in our minds so that we can understand what we are reading. I think if you had given us more context here, it would have been easier to follow and we would have been better able to simply just connect with the characters and take in this short moment of grief and loss that you have presented here.

I was a little confused by the memory scene though. I could not understand the relationship the characters shared with each other especially the character of Salylen. I felt as if he appeared out of nowhere in the scene and his part of the dialogue was lost on me as I could not understand exactly what role he was playing there. I think you could clarify that part a little so that it is easier to understand.

He turned, his forest green eyes- muddy as they were- changing to a clearer aqua.

Umm... the reason it isn't working now is because the link is in quotes which aren't necessary.

~Azila~

Yep. I realized that. XD

*crosses fingers behind back*

Any time! I really liked reading it. PM me when you post something else, ok?


~Azila~
P.S. The reason why the link in your signature isn't working is because there shouldn't be a space after "URL="

Thank you so much!

:]

Wow. This is really powerful.

I'm not sure I understand the deal with his eyes, so you might want to elaborate a bit more on that --assuming, of course that this is a complete work and not a first chapter or prologue.

Also, the spacing of the paragraphs isn't right... it's one biiig block of text. I'd think you would know not to do that, having a purple name and all. Anyway, below is your story, spaced correctly and with my thoughts.

Bold = note change.
Underlined = the underlined word(s) should be added.
[s]Strikethrough [/s]= the striked word(s) should be deleted.
[Italic] = a comment of mine.

PerforatedxHearts wrote:It had been a battle gone terribly wrong, and winter’s reluctant loitering knew that as much as Artemis Mogue. He stood, feet solidly apart, hands clasped behind his back while his aqua gaze traveled over the gravestones as if he’d find the answers he needed in an epitaph.

Another lingering chill rattled the empty trees, and his pitch-black hair swirled chaotically around his face. He was a shadow in the shadows, but just this once would he step out into the land of the light. Artemis pulled back his hood.

[s]Even[/s] He repelled the light. Whatever crisp luminescence January offered never [s]really[/s] touched his sculpted profile, all angles and sharp finishes[s]- pale as he was[/s]. [<--The last part of the sentence seems out of place to me.] His long silhouette seemed to strain towards him, even the shade under the trees appeared as if they needed him, needed to draw him into the darkness[s]…[/s] [I don't like to use ellipses in fiction, especially at the end of a paragraph --but that's just a matter of opinion]

“I couldn’t even save her,” he murmured absently. “Not her, him, him, her, and hi-“ his voice caught unnaturally, and he paused [s]politely,[/s] abruptly, as if he gave his voice permission to take over his already severely controlled emotions, at least in this public. [I don't understand that last bit, but it may just be me.]

A daring gust of wind ran gleefully through the graveyard, dashing away any traces of any glimmer in his eyes.

He couldn’t feel anymore sorrow, at least not yet. His heart, the very essence of what soul he had left- broken and labeled with a loud and clear “Handle With Care” sign- was numb with pain, and the grief that seemed to lap at him in a never-ending tide.

Could he feel guilt? No, Artemis Mogue thought vaguely. But the burden of 6 souls, all on his bloodstained hands were there all the same and no matter how long he scrubbed at the memories caked in crimson all over his body, they were cleansing filth.

His [s]own[/s] fist clenched, and he forced the tapered fingers back open, a palm stretched over the grave in front of him in an exposed reach. “Tris…”
The battle, it was all his doing, but not his fault. Not his fault that he bonded with those who he was going to fight later on and he knew, not his fault that everything was about power, the power in the shadows and who was going to come out alive, never his fault that he was all too late to save a friend almost closer than a sister. [<-- first off, that's a reaaally long sentence. I make really long sentences in my work too, but it's really not a good habit to get into. Secondly, I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Conclusion: break it up and clarify the meaning.]

He [s]almost[/s] glared at the headstone as if the blame was on her for going away.

How different he was now! And already six [always spell out numbers in literature][/i] months had passed since that godawful [<-- matter of opinion, but I think you should pick a different word there] battle. Perhaps in time he would learn to rest and let rest. But he knew that time did not forgive, time did not forget. Neither would he.

So Artemis waited, waited for the tide to come rushing back to him in a headache of anguish again, like it did periodically in a guaranteed "remember this”…

When he appeared before Tris, Artemis’s eyes widened [s]again[/s], and his knees failed him, letting him drop to the floor. His eyes watered as they reverted back to aqua, and his lip trembled. “Tris…Oh,god,” he whispered, looking at her anguished face, the sword impaled through her abdomen, and the blood on the floor.

He forced himself up and staggered to her, cupping her face and looking into her eyes for a moment, then letting his eyes and hand slip to the sword. He covered his mouth and tears rolled down his cheeks as he stared at the sword. “Oh, god, Tris…Oh, god.” Tris had closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she saw Artemis kneeling on the floor beside her. A tear rolled down her bruised and bloody cheek.

“It hurts, Arty,” she whispered hoarsely. Slaylen hung back, his face down. Tears ran down his cheeks as well, and he looking down at his hands. They were stained with the blood of his lover. Pulses of pain shot through Tris’s body. She twisted on the sword, trying to pull it out, whimpering softly. Artemis sobbed softly, the flow of his tears intensifying.

“I can’t help you honey…I can’t. My healing powers…They don’t go that far. If…If I pull out the sword, you’ll die…” He looked over at Slaylen, then sniffled and gestured [spell-check ] to Tris, meaning that he should spend his last moments with her. “Tell me when you’re ready,” he whispered.

Slaylen wiped away his tears, kneeling forward towards Tris. “I love you,” he whispered. “I’ll always love you, Trisana Bennett.” He knelt forward and brushed his lips against her cheek, then lightly on her lips. Tris reached out to Slaylen, letting her fingertips smooth his jaw line.

“Love you, Slaylen,” she whispered sadly. She turned towards Artemis, weakly kissing his tearstained cheek. “Love you, Arty.” Tris slowly closed her eyes, a small, peaceful smile on her lips. “Let me go, Arty…”

He nodded solemnly, then wiped his face and sniffled, standing close to her.
“Wrap your arms around me,” he murmured, then waited until he did so. When she was holding onto him, he took hold of the blade, wrapping a strong arm across her back. “I love you too, Trissie. Know that,” he whispered, then pulled the sword out quickly in a spray of blood across his shirt, and from how her body went limp he knew that she was gone, and he clutched her tightly, trembling.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you…”

[s]Tears.[/s] Tar-colored tears stream down his cheeks like running mascara on a geisha’s face. The memory, the guilt for not being able to save her- all too strong. It was another slap to the cheek, the bitterness and the anguish and down Artemis Mogue went, his knees softly slapping the cold dirt. He closed his eyes- tried to stop the flow of black saline- didn’t think the memory of her death would come back so vividly.

Cold lips pressed against a black rose, brushed with his tears. He tossed the first over Tris’s grave.

One by one, each grave bringing back the rush of intensity to his head, a black rose was laid with too much remembrance for his own good.

“Arty!”

He turned, his forest green eyes- muddy as they were- changing to a clearer aqua. Liza was here, and she made everything bearable for him, his younger sister.

They embraced, and for a moment, it felt as if the events three months prior hadn't happened. If only he hadn't trembled at her touch. If only he hadn't clung to her so dearly.