Addiction.
That is what they tell me my problem is.
Who is to say I really have a problem?
Is it wrong to love something unconditionally?
Is it wrong to smell it? To feel it? To breathe it? To need it?
Affliction.
That is what they tell me I'm going through
But do they understand me? Do I?
All I know is when I'm hurt it's always there.
All I know is it helps me through my state of misery.
Infliction.
That is what they tell me I am doing.
But does it really matter what I'm doing?
It doesn't matter that I'm doing this to myself.
It doesn't matter because I will not stop.
Conviction.
That is what they tell me I must change.
But can I change, even if I wanted to?
I need to have more of it.
I need to have it now.
Depiction.
That is what they tell me that attracts me.
How can I argue with that when it's true?
But it's so much more than that.
But it's so my life.
Restriction.
That is what they tell me I must do.
But how is that even possible? plausible? imaginable?
I cannot restrict my longings, it is worthless.
I cannot restrict my desires.
Prediction.
That is what they tell me will happen to me.
But can they predict the future?
Will I die from this eventually?
Will I find it worthwhile?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Nice work.
I am no poetry expert though XD
Keep up the good work!
Gwen
Don't like the 'buts' but otherwise it's a good poem. I can sort of relate to it. That's why I decieded to read it. Oh, and your avatar is rockin'!
Just work on the ending. Also, you might want to make sure you're saying what you want to say in the poem. Some of the lines are very... awkward and unclear.
Good luck!
I was drawn into this poem from the beginning. I thought it was about a real drug all the way through it, until the end. Took me off gaurd yet I was glad in a strange way that it was not an emotional poem. If this was what you were trying to achieve, you did it.
I felt the "buts' were distracting, take them out and it would be easier to read.
I liked it.
Hummingbird
I liked it as a serious poem -- not a funny one. I liked the repetition of it, but the last stanza started to get annoying with the "but... but... but... but... but... but..."
But me no buts, but change the buts or you'll be the butt of all ridicule.
Thank you! =) Consider the last line deleted. I'll try to rewrite the ending later.
I see what you're saying and I shall take the challenge ^^
Thank you guys for critiquing. Your insights have helped me a lot because poetry is not my forte, but it's a love to me nonetheless. I'll work on editing this poem and expanding on the idea like you mentioned. =)
I thought that the rhyming words at the beginning of each stanza were an interesting idea, but it was too obvious that they're meant to stand out. Much cooler if the idea's hidden.
I think you kind of over-tell things here. For example: "Addiction./ That is what they tell me my problem is./ Who is to say I really have a problem?" The "who is to say..." line is unnecessary because I can tell by the following two lines that the narrator doesn't think s/he has a problem.
I think that questions are overused throughout, and I challenge you to rewrite it without the questions and see where it takes you ^_^
You might also want to pick the stanzas that you think advance the poem the most (I'd recommend "addiction", "depiction", and "prediction") and try expanding them to see where that can take you.
The last stanza doesn't make sense in context and hinders the poem more than anything, and the last line is, in my opinion, too random to remain.
i really enjoyed your poem. the pattern of each stanza was really quite fascinating and it was very deep. i didn't like the end though. first off, i wouldn't start each line with "But". that kind of repetition is okay sometimes but here it's just annoying. also i would take out the last line. the poem seems really serious and the reader can almost feel what the poet is talking about which is really great and adds a lot to your poem...and then there's the last line. i like the whole idea of being addicted to chocolate (and i totally am..it's my world!) but it kind of throws off the reader. i read the first bit and got very into it and then i read the line about chocolate. it's like you were being serious and engaging the reader and then said "just kidding!" which makes the whole poem seem like a waste of time. if you want the poem to be about your addiction to chocolate, then you could either make the rest of the poem lighter and more flamboyant or you can make the last line more serious.
Instead of:
Because it makes my life worthwhile.
Chocolate is...my anti-drug.
try
Because it makes my life worthwhile.
Melting in my blood
i stay in a moment
of bliss
but
it's
not
a
drug.
Chocolate...my anti-drug.
i don't really like that either but something along those lines would be better. my point is, it's good until the end.actually, if i were you, i would just delete the end and if i still wanted to write a poem about chocolate, do it
separately because this poem is good otherwise. nice job!
~abby~