Published October 12, 2007
Screaming. Crying. Despair.
I hear it all. Felt it all. All from the room three doors down. My mother’s room. My step fathers room.
I have never felt more desperate. So helpless. So alone. This is worse than the usual.
I lay there in my bed. I lay there, three doors down from there, where it all happens. All the times. I have went over there and knocked on the door. To see my mother. I have to see her. To know she is okay.
I knocked.
I was answered.
Answered by a low growl from my step father, telling to go to bed. I could hear the red-hot rage, seeping under the door way. It was as if someone pushed him over the edge. Over the rim of sanity.
I walk numbly back to my room. I lay my back against the wall and draw up my knees. Tears run down my cheek and splash at my striped pajamas. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I raised my head to look at the clock on my dresser.
But it is not the time I see.
A phone.
By the time I know what I am doing I was reciting my address to the operator. They know who I am. I know everyone by a first-name basis.
I finished without a word and waited for the police.
I heard the police banging on the door. My step father rushed into my room, wearing nothing but jeans. He grabbed my arm, his fingers digging deep as he dragged me toward the stairs.
He dropped me. Falling down the stairs was a comforting thought. It meant that he would go away for two days. Again. This will never stop. He is too important for his job that no one cares.
Except one person.
I stumbled through the pitch-black room, to get to the front door.
I opened it and sighed.
“Where?” The policemen asked. Jay. My hero. Always my hero.
I pointed to the stairs as he went inside, drawing up his gun.
I slid down the door. I sat on the cool tiled floor. I lifted my head to look at the second officer with tear filled eyes. He looked at me as if he wanted to pick me up and run away as far as possible.
I closed my eyes. One last tear painted its path a long my cheek.
Next week, I will see Jay again, and his new partner. I will see them the next week, and the week after that. Because no matter how high my step father is on the police department. It will never matter. He will always return. As long as he returns, so will Jay. My hero.
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140,277 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Well, this was a rather emotional piece. You have presented a very serious topic here and captured a lot of emotions through your story. There is a graveness about this entire situation that you have conveyed very well through your simple narration. There were certain points that I am not very sure about, and I think the story will work better if you write it keeping them in mind.
First, its the short sentences. They can be used to create quite the desirable effect when you are using them in the right situation. Sometimes they increase the anticipation or the tension of a scene by being placed just before some revelation or some big plot point in the story. However, an entire story presented through broken sentences so not carry across that same effect. It starts feeling a little anti-climatic, and we keep waiting for something to happen, except it just goes on happening. It kind of ruins the flow as well, and makes it difficult to follow the text in a way that keeps us engaged in the story.
The next is tense. Your tense is all over the place throughout the story. You open with the present and then switch to the past. Then again in the scene when the narrator is knocking at his parent's door, there is another tense switch. Because the story is mostly composed of short sentences, these errors in tense come across a lot more evident that usual. They completely stick out from the main narration, confusing the readers for a second about what they were reading. You have to decide on a single tense, present or past, and then stick to it. Considering the mood and tone of the story, I think present will work better.
A lot of this story is just what the narrator sees, hears and does. You tell us what we are supposed to see and feel, but you are not making us feel anything. You are not portraying any emotions here, you are just what is going on or what the narrator is doing. As a result, even though the story is emotional, we don't get to feel it because there are no emotions being portrayed. And that completely misses the mark in my opinion. So maybe, include some personal thought of the narrator, or his feelings. For example, what does he feel when he hears those screams? Or when he is calling the police? Or when help has finally arrived and he knows they are going to be rescued, even if only for a short while. You have got to expand on these points, because it just feels like a narration of facts to me.
Another miss was the relationship he shared with Jay. His entry in the story was abrupt and a little unexpected, but we can easily figure out that the narrator sees him as some kind of a hero who is gentle and kind and strong, the complete antagonist to his father. But even though we know he means a lot to our narrator, we do not feel the connection there either, because you have never established one in the first place. Again, its like you are telling us what is there, but you are not making us feel it.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Well, this is certainly a different type of story. I liked the plot line and the way you wrote it, but I don't think the extremely short sentences work all the time. Also, you changed tenses a lot. Pick one and stick with it.
We need to know more about the characters. Like, is it a boy or a girl? I was a little confused about that.
Apart from that it was good.
You have very many problems with this piece, and I also found it confusing. Who the heck is Jay?
It needs some smoothing out, especially with the tense changes. Here is one example:
it has to be either "heard" or "Feel" I think you really need to descide what tense you are going to have the piece in, and then fix it.
Overall, some errors and a lot of little mistakes. But your plotline, aside from my confusion, is very good. I'd like to see more of this, since it was definitely intriguing.
PM me with questions or comments
I didn't like the opening line. It was very emo. The first line is the most important one, so you have to make sure it really grabs the reader.
I think you've got a very good start here, otherwise, but it could use a lot of work. Remember "show, don't tell." Describe these things; how the narrator feels, who's screaming, what they're saying, let us listen in on the conversation on the phone, and so on.