Born A Girl

by NewHope

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

My hands vomit blood

In streams like slithering pythons

Veins slit and crisscrossed

With the cross of redemption

***

Weakly I remember that night

The smell of supper wafting to my nose

Pork, gravy and rice

Barely tasted as I swallowed

***

Tired I sat in my purple keeper outfit

Eyes clicking closed as I drank my water in gulps

Gloves torn off hours before

Finger swollen from the ball's spinning flight

***

I stretch my legs out

Turn on the TV and watch its entrancing picture

But I'm pulled away

The shower awaits

***

But before I can

My Dad walks in with a frown upon his face

He screams, You sift slob! , and demands I go and shower

Though it's early in the day, still Winter's sunset

***

He looks at me again

Frowns deeper and shouts

Tells me to stop acting like an arsehole

To shower before he makes me

***

I walk out of the bathroom

And he screams at me again

My anger comes in a guilty tone

In a girl's voice, I say, I need to get some clothes

***

A girl's voice, I think as he voices it

And stares at me like a witch

He said it then, a painful jab

"No wonder you and Katie love hanging out together."

***

I walk away, profanity in my head

Katie, I want to scream, has nothing to do with this

He hates I love her

A girl shouldn't love a girl he says

***

That's what he always says

And hopes I'm really a boy

Because a son is all he wants

A son that loves nature as "only girls can"

***

But I don't want to care

I just want to let it go

I punch my bed's wooden frame

I don't even grimace as I watch my knuckle bruise

***

Can't I punch again

Again and again

Harder and harder

And like a cloth frays let the skin tear

***

Can't I just hurt myself to make the pain go away

Can't I just put this pen into my wrist to unclog my throat

Can't I just take one last breath and shove in the hate

Die a girl at least, not what he wants to force me to be

***

But I think it over as I write this

And I decide not to be so drastic

To vanquish the pain I must hurt myself again

I imagine the torture

***

Why do I want to break my foot with one kick to my bed's roof

Why do I want to punch the bathroom mirror and in fright watch it crack

Why do I let my hand slip and fly for the wall, only just holding back my fist

Why do I pull out my Maths set and saw into my skin

***

Because I exist

I'll answer all four

Because my Dad's insulting screams make my throat tighten with hate

And I realize the reality of the words hitting me, smacking me in the face

***

Demolishing my heart

Taking everything away

I wish to throw my phone to the floor

I wish to watch him crack my computer over his knee

***

I can't look away

I can't pause to take a breath

I seem to choke on solid air

And the thought makes me wish I could hold my breath for just long enough

***

My hand aches from writing

But the red hot feeling inside is still exploding

And I can feel my foot itching as if this is what I want

Gnarled and twisted, bones split in half

***

My arm seems to fall out of its socket but I just keep writing

Dad turns the alarm on with an annoying screech as he brushes his teeth

The cloud thunders above my head in a fit of rain

And I remember all his words

***

Stop being such a girl, I flip my hair

His hand twitches, I stand still and listen to him tell me he could floor me

Shut up you little shit, but I demand my phone, there's a soccer match tomorrow

Cut your hair you little twit, I hold the scissors in my hands, "Should I?"

***

Just to be your perfect tomboy

Who makes sure every girl in me is binded

Hidden beneath bulky boy clothes

And soccer socks that are green not pink

***

Knowing the scissor will slice through my neck like I want it to

Just to end the torment of wanting to be the girl I was born to be

Because maybe that's why you bully me

Maybe that's why you hate me

Comments

Points: 33
Reviews: 105

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Sat Jul 02, 2022 9:55 pm

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fatherfig says...

Beautiful and dark. <3333 take care of yourself and keep writing

NewHope says...

Thank you, Gem! %u2764%uFE0F!

Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

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Mon Jun 06, 2022 7:43 pm

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Hijinks wrote a review...

Hi there Moonglade! I saw this poem of yours has been in the Green Room for a while, so I thought I'd drop by with a little review for you.

I'm not going to lie, my first impression of this poem is that it's loooooong. That's not necessarily an inherently bad thing, but I do tend to find that in poetry, often it's the most effective to convey your message in as few words as possible. Otherwise, the reader can begin to get a bit distracted and bored, which means they don't end up enjoying the wonderful poetry as much as they could have. Obviously you're the one who gets to decide what's important to the poem, and what exactly the message is that you want the reader to take away from it; I would just suggest that you look through and see if any stanzas are a bit redundant or don't add much overall to the poem, and consider cutting those out. That way, the remaining stanzas will pack even more punch!

For example one stanza that could be taken out without changing the meaning of the poem at all is this one:

Can't I punch again
Again and again
Harder and harder
And like a cloth frays let the skin tear

I see what you're doing here with the repetition, but personally, I don't find that it really adds much oomph to the poem, since the surrounding two stanzas deal with the same idea as well.

Moving on though, let's focus on some of the great stuff in this poem, because there's a lot of it! I think you do a really good job voicing the pressures to fit into heteronormativity that a lot of lgbtq+ people experience. I find, even in queer circles, that there's a lot of unnecessary and ironic pressure to have the "boy" and the "girl" in the relationship (ie, a masculine presenting person and a feminine presenting one), when that kind of defies the whole point of what it means to be gay. Even among other queer people, for example, I tend to get stereotypes as a masculine, dominant person just because I have short hair - when anyone who knows me personally can tell you I don't have a particularly masculine personality and I definitely am not a dominant person.

And certainly the expectation to fit into acceptable boxes is even more significant coming from straight and/or homophobic people, which your poems reflects very well. So I do think you do a fabulous job of demonstrating all of these things in the span of one poem. And writing a poem that someone can relate to, even if they haven't lived the exact story being told in the poem, is a really special skill!

You also have a lot of strong imagery in this poem. The opening stanza especially has some very gruesome and uncomfortable, but also very vivid, images in there. And some of your shortest, most to-the-point lines pack a lot of punch, as well - for example "Because I exist", "I seem to choke on solid air", & "Just to be your perfect tomboy". My only note here would be to try incorporating some less literal, more abstract images/language into the poem as well - as right now it's almost prose-like in the way everything is described exactly as it is!

Another thing you do well is to convey the extreme intensity of the emotions that the narrator is feeling. They are a lot of very heavy emotions, and it would be easy to water them down to make the poem more digestible - but by not doing that, by portraying them just as intense and awful as they are, you make the poem a lot more real and grounded.

Lastly, and speaking of heavy difficult emotions, I just wanted to bring up that if these are emotions you personally are experiencing right now, I'd encourage you to talk to an adult you trust in your life or, if that doesn't feel like something you can do, check out an online resource such as https://www.crisistextline.org/ where you can access anonymous help. You're not alone <3

Overall, you wrote a very authentic and emotive poem here. I enjoyed reviewing it, and I hope this review proves useful for you! Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to go over or clarify!

Best,
-Seirre

NewHope says...

Thank you so much for the review, Seirre

This poem is still unedited. It was a rant type thing that was actually writing while experiencing it%u2026 which%u2026 kind of means that it is very prose-like because I did not come up with any imagery at all. Everything was a feeling that I just wrote as everything went along. I do need to make it quite a bit shorter. When I go through editing I%u2019ll probably do that.

I was happy you were able to find a meaning behind it that resonated with you as I really do try to paint a picture. (As far as I know%u2026 with this poem I was jumping between rooms a lot and didn%u2019t really describe that as well I could of.) It%u2019s kind of amazing to think that is considered a problem in a queer relationship because as you say it kind of defeats the point.

Wow%u2026 I%u2019ve really been struggling with that recently. My Dad has encouraged my brother who has proudly declared himself homophobic and started calling me a %u201Cgay ass%u201D. Um%u2026 so it seems this poem is recording a long term problem - if you would call it that. I think that when it%u2019s from my heart and from my being and I%u2019m feeling what%u2019s happening I%u2019ve often been told I can create that effect - which I am really proud of and my English teacher will also be proud of as that is her major contribution to my creative writing.

Like I said at the time of writing I was rather upset and tried not to be flowery but rather a bit straightforward. Something I might change if it does benefit the poem overall.

I%u2019m really happy that the poem feels grounded as I think that it is a bit wispy on the edges, so if I can just brush up one or two things everything should seem much more real.

Thank you for the advice%u2026 I just don%u2019t know at this point. I don%u2019t really feel like making a scene about myself and I don%u2019t really know how to deal with the situation at all without bringing along a total bunch of problems.

Thank you for help! I%u2019m so happy you enjoyed it!

Dancing with the stars
Moonglade

NewHope says...

I%u2019ve actually just started rewriting. Are there any specific stanzas you think I really don%u2019t need other than the one above mentioned? And how long do you think it should be?

Hijinks says...

That's totally fair, often good poems start out as rough drafts just to express your feelings! And I'm sorry to hear that you're going through some tough stuff with your dad and brother <3

In terms of stanzas to potentially cut out, I think you could eliminate the second or third stanza, but not both; they both seem to work to create a mood of exhaustion in the opening of the poem, and I think one or the other would achieve that on its own (you just may need to reword it slightly in a couple places so the flow between the other stanzas still makes sense). Stanza 4 - I'm not sure how much it's adding to the poem? You could probably just tack on "The shower awaits" to the start of what is currently Stanza 5 and not lose much. Stanza 14 - the only purpose I feel like this has is to break the fourth wall, and frankly I'm not sure how necessary that is in a poem like this. Stanza 20 I think could probably be cut out, maybe adding "I remember his words: / Stop being such a girl" onto the start of stanza 21.

Obviously though if you disagree about any of those stanzas and feel that they add significantly to the setting/meaning/mood of the poem, that's totally your call; you're the poet! I don't think there's a specific length you need to aim for - it's more important just to make sure you're including everything you think needs to be including without including unnecessary stuff, rather than aiming for a rigid number of stanzas. I hope that helps! Good luck editing!

NewHope says...

Thank you! That really helps!

Points: 368
Reviews: 456

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Fri Apr 29, 2022 12:45 pm

Rascalover wrote a review...

Hello Sugar!

This piece, i can tell hits close to home, so I'll try to gently critique a mix of context and content. Big hugs if you've felt this personally. I'll just go stanza by stanza, so you know what I'm talking about:

Stanza 1: The last line of this stanza breaks up the flow and doesn't add to your poem.
Stanza 2: You need a comma after weakly. This stanza has a lot of natural breath breaks and deserves a little more description using feeling words and adjectives.
Stanza 3: You need a comma after tired. What is a purple keeper outfit, and you need the word fingers instead of finger.
Stanza 4: What makes the shower pull at the main character? Add some description as to why it was important because as is, it just feels like you're talking at your audience and not with them.
Stanza 5: What is the significance of the word sift? your dialogue seems very stiff and doesn't help your work flow naturally. The last line should say either early in the day or winters sunset, not both.
Stanza 6: This stanza is kind of confusing because the dad seems angry without being provoked, and again the word "arsehole" doesn't flow like natural dialogue.
Stanza 7: How'd did the character get from the living room to the bathroom? The setting isn't very certain in any part of this, so maybe add for detail so we know where everything is taking place. This is the first trim in the poem we see the significance of gender, and maybe we should see that earlier on, so we can see why the dad is provoked.
Stanza 8: The first line in this need reworked.
Stanza 9: Loved the first line, very creative! It should be he hates "that" I love her. this is the second time gender is mention, and we're forced to believe you're a girl, but are you questioning your character's sexuality and not gender?
Stanza 10: The last line is too confusing. What is boy nature? like outside nature or our genetics?
Stanza 11: This is the perfect place to add more description and feelings.
Stanza 12/13: Maybe try saying it a different way than having can't at the beginning of every question. Are you introducing transitioning for this character here?
Stanza 14: let the readers imagine torture with you, what does this torture consist of?
Stanza 15: What's a bed's roof? Whats a math set?
Stanza 16: Switch line one and two around
Stanza 17: This is a good description of needing destruction to release inner frustration
Stanza 18: This part is so relatable
Stanza 19: This stanza as a whole isn't needed, but I really like the first two lines.
Stanza 20: This is also where setting gets confusing. how did the character around the feather? Are they in the bedroom, bathroom, living room? Are they actually communication or not out loud?
Stanza 21: this dialogue is unrealistic and doesn't flow naturally.
Stanza 22: What does the part every girl mean?
Stanza 23: You're missing the why for the dad character.

Overall: You did a good job covering the topic, but with some more character, detail, and setting descriptionI think you could tighten this up and make it better.

XOXO- Rascalover

NewHope says...

Thank you for the review, Rascalover

Spoiler! :

Stanza 1:
I think that you are very right with that sentiment and believe possibly I could change the dynamic of the poem a little by changing it to tercet form. I'll do a couple rewrites, test with and without certain elements. Hopefully, you'd read through a couple versions if you have the time.

Stanza 2:
I think while writing a lot of this poem I was quite a bit too angry to think of anything outside the main idea of each stanza and believe I could expand on what is happening in the environment. I worry that putting a comma before weakly makes it read as two separate ideas...

Stanza 3:
There I understand the comma as it reads the same. Oh... I play soccer... I'm a goalkeeper and have been my whole life... I think I was struggling to communicate that effectively. My Dad was a hockey goalkeeper at a national level and I think he wants me to be like that, he often tries to force ideas on me that are more tom boyish. And you're right, fingers not finger, thanks for catching that.

Stanza 4:
I think I need to add some description... someone else had just finished showering... so... maybe the click of the lock and the humid smell of steaming water.

Stanza 5:
The significance of the word sift... well... that's what my Dad calls me. But I could try and present it better. And of course, I don't need to force-feed the time, thank you for coming across that.

Stanza 6:
... I thought all fathers are like that... that's what my Dad's like... I think it might have been a Sunday. And again the word is what my Dad call me though I could present it better.

Stanza 7:
Oh... hehehe... I didn't really describe that too well, did I? Definitely need to change that. Interesting... that's a really good idea... I really should insert that earlier.

Stanza 8:
I actually have an idea for that...

Stanza 9:
Creative? I don't think it is much creative. And right, yes. I think it's more sexuality, I'm not questioning my gender. I think it's more about my Dad almost seeing me as a younger version of himself and wishing I was another gender.

Stanza 10:
Oh no... like trees and plants. That type of nature.

Stanza 11:
There I go again in another room out of the blue... should fix that.

Stanza 12 & 13:
Is there a problem with can't? Don't you think it works? I think I started the transition in stanza 11.

Stanza 14:
I didn't want to be violent but I think by now we're past that point so I'll do it.

Stanza 15:
Like a poster bed... old beds used to have posts that held up a "roof". A math set... I could narrow it down to a geometry set.

Stanza 16:
Oh... that's an interesting proposition. I'll test it out.

Stanza 19:
I think I wanted to instil that it was the writer speaking but I actually agree... the stanza is largely unneeded.

Stanza 20:
I think I'd like to remove the first line of this stanza and I think I'm going to enter the bedroom in stanza 11. This is all in thought, an afterthought.

Stanza 21:
I could present it better but those are exactly the words of my Dad... if that seems unrealistic... well... then my life isn't realistic.

Stanza 22:
Well... mannerisms and parts... I guess. It's a little sensitive.

Stanza 23:
I think the why is as I said my Dad almost thinks of me like a younger him... I could probably explain that in the stanza.

Again thank you so much for the review. I think one of my biggest problems as a writer is inserting a setting description. I'm very thankful for any advice and I'm very happy to have received yours.

Lehmanf

Young Writers Society

Born A Girl

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