I stand still and find myself waiting
for rescue
it feels horrible to be so dependent
yet the music rings in my ears and
I can't move
I can't move
I feel my lungs collapsing under a phantom anvil
I wish I could be a cartoon character
maybe I'd be drawn better.
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140,277 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Simple, but effective! I really like how you take the kind of classic cartoon obstacle the random anvil that falls on top of someone and turn it into something a bit darker - with the line " I feel my lungs collapsing under a phantom anvil". The tone / meaning I take away from the poem is one of desperation and sort of resolved loss and longing. The speaker feels stuck and helpless.
Good luck in future writings and a warm welcome to YWS!
A couple small critiques:
In a very short poem (like haiku, or poems with just very limited words) you have to be very attentive to word-economy making sure each word packs a punch and draws the poem to it's central theme. In this poem your words all build up a certain mood, and an affective image - but I think narratively it gets split between 3 conflicts that don't quite link up and that makes the poem feel a little disjointed. The three conflicts I see are 1) waiting someone else 2) not being able to move 3) wishing they were someone else. I can see how 1 & 3 might be connected but not seeing how 2 is connected, and none of the connections are made in the poem itself. Just like in a novel, you want to be warry of having too many plot lines at the same time, in a poem you want things to narratively make sense too. I'd try to identify the central theme / conflict you're going for and then make the rest of it fit that.
I think you have some good instincts for line breaks which helped elevate the drama of the piece, especially with the repeated "I" throughout the poem.
A last suggestion - the image of the stanza was a sort of central poignant part of the poem, I think if you're looking for a place for expansion, seeing what else you can do to give some weight to that image would be worthwhile - point the reader to what the anvil might be a symbol for, really highlight the imagery and emotion of the moment etc.
Overall an interesting poem that I'm glad to have read!
alliyah
Hello ant1gravity! Trinity here to leave a short review for your work.
Followed by the very strong use of words (oops, when originally reading for some reason I thought it said "Phantom evil" >.>)Okay, well this was a rather short poem, but I like it that way
There is a lot of very strong emotion that can be felt from this poem. Especially the repeating of
I would like to know what exactly you meant by ?
(this is not a criticism, I'm just unsure)
I wonder if it would make sense If when you said
To something like "Maybe then I'd be drawn better"
I think that might make it flow better? But that's just a suggestion.
Overall: I really loved your poem! Hope this review helped!
Keep writing!
-Trinity
Hi! My name is Via and I'm here for a review!
So... let's get started!
Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative
Your mood and tone are well defined. I like how this theme and emotion of feeling useless is addressed clearly in this poem. I think its a feeling that can resonate with just about anyone, which makes this poem very relatable! The narrative works too, with the first person perspective.
Language, Diction, and Style
A poem like this doesn't need intricate vocabulary, so your choice of words are great for this poem.
I like the use of repetition here to add emphasis to this feeling:
I love this metaphor of a cartoon character and being drawn better, it's very unique and beautiful.
Like what @lehmanf stated, there is a gap between the first and second stanza.
A stanza between or some filler to add a build up of emotion could be used, but its up to you!
Structure, Flow, and Rhythm
This might sound picky, but this poem could use some punctuation.
I always say in my workshops "Periods have power!"
Periods add emphasis to points and commas might help enhance the flow. The enjambment too, could use a bit of editing to enhance flow.
For example:
for the first stanza
Try this:
I stand still,
and find myself waiting,
for a rescue.
For this stanza,
try this:
It feels horrible,
to be so dependent.
Yet the music rings in my ears,
and I can't move,
I can't move.
Give the last line in this stanza it's own stanza:
I feel my lungs collapsing,
under a phantom anvil.
For the last stanza:
Try this:
I wish I could be,
a cartoon character.
Maybe then,
I'd be drawn better.
Or even add the last line of the second stanza to begin the third like this:
I feel my lungs collapsing,
under a phantom anvil.
I wish I could be,
a cartoon character.
Maybe then,
I'd be drawn better.
Overall, it's all up to you! Experiment! Read your poetry out loud, then you'll be able to really see flaws in rhythm.
Grammar
There really isn't anything to say other than my points above.
Final Words
Overall, great poem! I love the themes and that last line!
Keep writing!
~ Via
Hey there,
Lehmanf here with a short review. I hope it finds you well.
Reading this poem I definitely have a quick ask. I think you should add punctuation. It works so much better with some poems. Secondly please expand, it will make this good piece great! Making it short is not making it vague, having a vague tone through the writing is vague. I really think this piece so much potential. I really want to know why you feel like this.
This really makes sense to me as I get stuck. And I need help out of a place. In an argument I won’t let out because I get stuck on one objective. There’s some sort of panic, almost fear and anger. Hatred of having to be helped.
Like I said, humans hate being dependent on others. People can associate well with this. Music? Metaphorical? It sounds like a falling elevator, music still playing as you tumble. Maybe not but feel free to use that as a metaphor if you wish.
I can’t move. The repetition just cements it in my mind. Your stuck. You can’t get out. The elevator doors have closed. And then there’s the adjective phantom. It needs a tiny bit of refinement. A different adjective maybe? But I like it. I can feel it.
It’s hard, bear with me. It really is difficult to say. But sometimes they just don’t associate. There’s gap somewhere between the second and last stanza that needs filling. Something simple. Eg. Falling and flung about like a dummy. Body twisted as the air speeds past my ears. I wish I could have been made better. I wish I could be a cartoon character etc.
Overall it’s nice. It’s a good poem. With some refinement it would be really great.
Good day,
Lehmanf
Hey!! Forever here with a review!!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you have a great time here and if you have any question, feel free to ask me. Now onto the review!
Okay so this was a good piece, overall. From what I understood, the narrator is trying to get themself out from something. Hm... I don't know from what they are trying to find a rescue. I would really love if that somehow could be incorporated within the poem(I hope I am not interpreting it wrong). Who is the narrator dependent on? Their rescuer? I also didn't get the meaning of phantom anvil. Does it mean an imaginary anvil? I wonder. Like they want themself to be be shaped differently or something like that? The third stanza goes a bit with that. I guess this talks about perfection in some way and that the narrator is imperfect.
There are a few things which I would like to point out. You have got to have some punctuations in your poem. I do know that there are some people who don't use punctuations and I am okay with that. But if you are not one of them, maybe you could use some punctuations. Punctuations actually add a lot to the flow of the poem. Like with a full stop in some unexpected place, you can create a dramatic effect. I do think that the flow was disrupted in places.
Next the title. I am not sure why you didn't give it a title but I would suggest to give the poem a creative title. The title after all is what attracts the readers to read the poem.
I liked the repitition of I can't move. That actually creates a good emphasis on that particular sentence and gives the reader a feeling of being stuck in a single place. I hope this review was not that bad, my poetry reviewing skills have definitely become a bit rusty.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Hello ant1gravity, I hope this finds you well.
Short and sweet, one could say it would be fleeting. It has always crossed everyone's mind at some point that they wish they could be better in any sense of the matter. Look better, feel better, act better, and in general just be better. It's crushing, the weight of thinking that someone could just erase you like a fictional character and remake you better because you weren't made perfect. Crushing indeed, but beyond that dear, if anything was made perfect, they would never have room to grow, and you can always grow beyond perfect. Vocabulary has deemed it so, otherwise, the one word to describe perfection would be itself, but it is not. That said while you stand waiting for rescue, feeling horrible in your dependency and the lack of movement from the music that rings in your ears, the collapsing you feel is a building to an explosion. Just a different way for a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon.
As you create art I hope you begin to feel comfortable in your roots and expand with your words. That being, as said earlier short and sweet, there is not much to go on as far as grammatical or spelling errors. I do hope to see more work from you soon!
This is the first review I've received for any work; never thought it would be so heartwarming...
Thank you so much for your feedback. How wonderful it is to have found a community to appreciate and share literary work with! I'm looking forward to sharing more with time.