Young Writers Society

Once upon a time there was a lazy dude named Bob potato-head. Now, Bob absolutely loved potatoes. He loved ‘em so much that he would eat over two dozen potatoes a day, and his family always told him he was much too lazy and gluttonous, as he hardly ever did any of the actual work of picking potatoes. He just ate ‘em. Because of this fact he was dubbed “potato head.”

However, one fateful day, as Bob was eating a bushel of raw potatoes, one of them screamed. Yes, a potato screamed. Bob was obviously very startled, as anyone would be when their food screams in their face.

“Please don’t eat me! I bring good luck!” cried the potato.

Bob just stared at the potato speechless. “What kind of good luck?” he asked.

“Many riches!” answered the potato.

“What use are riches if I don’t have potatoes to eat?” said Bob cluelessly.

“Um, you can buy potatoes with riches,” said the potato.

“Oh. I thought riches were for staring at. I didn’t know you could use it to get potatoes,” said Bob, mind blown.

“Yes, well, now you know,” grumbled the potato.

“So how do I get these ‘riches’?” asked Bob.

“Do everything I say and it will all work out,” said the potato. “Now, first, put me in your hat to hide me.” Bob did so.

“Now, go tell your parents that you want to leave to try and make your fortune,” the potato continued. Bob did so.

He continued following the potato's instructions until he ended up out on the road with naught but the clothes on his back, his hat with the potato, some matches, a hoe, and three seeds that the potato had insisted were magic. Bob walked down the road until he came to a castle.

“Wow, I didn’t know that there was a castle here!” he exclaimed.

“Of course there’s a castle. Where do you think all your taxes go every year?” said the potato.

“Um… what are ‘taxes’?” asked Bob. “Is that the thing when my parents give random crops to the guy with a sword who comes by occasionally?”

“Of course. Duh,” said the potato exasperatedly. “Don’t you know anything?”

“I know that potatoes taste yummy,” said Bob. The potato didn’t answer.

When they arrived at the gate, the guards asked Bob the password.

“The password is ‘password’” whispered the potato.

“Of course the password is the password. It wouldn’t be anything else would it?” said Bob.

“No, I mean that the way to have the guards let you in is to say ‘password’,” said the potato.

“You mean… ‘password’ is the password? Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?” said Bob. Then he shouted up at the guards “Password!” and they let him in.

When Bob walked under the portcullis, he heard an announcer shouting from the keep.

“Whoever can burn down this barn fastest earns 300 gold nuggets and one quarter of the kingdom!” was what the announcer said. “Sign up now!”

“Sign up,” said the potato. Bob walked up to the sign-up booth and did so.

“Why does the king want to burn down that barn?” asked Bob.

“Because it’s in the way for where he wants to build a new statue of himself, but he’s too lazy to burn it down himself.”

“Uh… doesn’t he have servants?” frowned Bob.

“He’s even stupider than you are. He didn’t think of that,” said the potato.

“Oh,” said Bob. Then Bob frowned. “Wait… I’m stupid?”

The potato didn’t answer.

Part 2

Later that day, Bob stood in front of the barn, along with a bunch of other contestants.

“Ready… set… go!” shouted the guy who was running the contest.

Everyone quickly grabbed sticks and began rubbing them together.

“How am I supposed to win this? Look how fast some of those guys are going! See, that guy already made a spark,” complained Bob.

“Bob, you have matches. Remember?” said the potato.

“I… oh yeah. I forgot,” said Bob, and he pulled out his box of matches and lit one. Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and stared at Bob, awed at his genius. Who would’ve thought to use matches?

Bob went into the barn and lit the straw on fire. Pretty soon the whole thing was burned down, and Bob earned a quarter of the kingdom and 300 gold nuggets, which he promptly used to buy potatoes.

The next day, however, there was another contest, again for a quarter of the kingdom but this time 500 gold nuggets. The contest was who could plow a field the fastest.

“Why is the king doing THAT?” Bob asked the potato.

“He needs the royal fields to be plowed. He forgot that he has servants again,” answered the potato, a tad more grumpy than normal considering that Bob was eating a potato at the moment.

Just like the last contest, Bob ended up doing it because the potato said that he would win.

“Ready… set… go!” shouted the contest-runner several hours later when the contest was about to start.

Everyone immediately began digging in the dirt to try and plow it. Before Bob could do the same, the potato said to him;

“Dude, you have a hoe, remember? Why else would I tell you to bring it?”

Bob answered: “So that I could hoe a... Oh I see. THIS is the field.” He then began plowing, much faster than everyone else, since he had a tool to work with.

It still took a miserably long time though, and one sixtieth of the way in, Bob began complaining to the potato.

“Remember the reward, Bob. Remember the reward,” the potato told him.

“Oh, yeah. More potatoes to eat,” said Bob with renewed vigor.

Finally, after fifteen hours of grueling work, Bob finished in first place. Everyone else had either quit or were still working on their first half of the field with bruised hands. That’s how Bob won another quarter of the kingdom and 500 gold nuggets.

Of course, as the king still didn’t know he had servants, (they obviously didn’t tell him he was allowed to boss them around) so there was another contest. This contest, the third and final contest in this story, was the most difficult by far. The king wanted someone to defeat the dragon next door and save the princess, who had been captured by the dragon for years.

The winner of this contest would earn another quarter of the kingdom and the hand of the princess.

“Ew, no, I don’t want to marry anyone,” said Bob to the potato.

“You don’t HAVE to marry her,” said the potato.

“Well what is a quarter of the kingdom to me? It doesn’t give me potatoes like the gold did,” said Bob.

“Actually, it does,” said the potato. “I’ll explain after you win this contest.”

Several hours later, Bob and the King’s top knights stood by the cave with the dragon. The contest announcer guy shouted “Ready… set… go!” and they all charged into the cave, except for Bob, who the potato told to stay out for now.

“Why?” asked Bob.

“I’ll explain after all your competitors are crispy bacon,” answered the potato.

“I like potatoes more than bacon,” mumbled Bob, just as a crispy piece of knight flew out of the cave, which was followed by a roar.

“Plant the seeds in the ground,” said the potato. Bob did so.

Then, to Bob’s surprise, the three seeds immediately grew into three, large, trees. Bob was extra surprised to see that the trees had faces.

“Go! Defeat the dragon!” shouted the potato, out from under Bob’s hat. The trees immediately began growing even more, except this time it was their branches, which were growing into the cave.

“Won’t the dragon just burn the trees down?” asked Bob.

“You’re finally getting some brains,” said the potato. “You’ll be an average person yet. But as for your question, no, the dragon used all it’s fire to burn down the knights. That’s why I had you wait.”

“Oh,” said Bob, mindblown.

Pretty soon, the branches began coming back out of the cave, holding a struggling dragon and a princess.

“Don’t eat me!” shouted the dragon. “I didn’t do anything!”

“What are you doing, you meanies!” shouted the princess as well. “You’re hurting my poor pet!”

“Huh?” said Bob, scratching his head. “I’m confused.”

“The princess wasn’t ‘kidnapped by a dragon’ like the king thinks, Bob,” said the potato. “She ran away and tamed a dragon to protect her from suitors.”

“Oh,” said Bob, mindblown. “Then… shouldn’t we leave her here with her pet?” he asked.

“If you don’t want a third quarter of the kingdom, then I guess not,” said the potato.

“Okay,” said Bob. “I don’t really need more kingdom quarters anyways.”

And he left, leaving the grateful princess with, not only a pet dragon, but two enchanted bean-tree servants as well.

“Okay, so now what?” Asked Bob later, while surveying his newly-acquired land.

“Ask for taxes,” replied the potato.

“What are taxes?” asked Bob. “Oh wait, I remember. They’re when my Mommy and Daddy give money to guys with swords.”

“No, no…” said the potato. “Taxes are when people live on land you own and pay money to you.”

“Does it have to be money?” asked Bob.

“Uh… I guess not…” said the potato.

“Okay. In that case, I want potatoes as taxes!” shouted Bob.

Several years later, everyone was growing potatoes because they were what was paid in taxes. And so Bob potato-head founded Ireland.