z

Young Writers Society



I'm in literal pain mama,

by YourFriendQuirks08


Dear mama,

I know you love me

And oh I love you so…

But things in life have changed,

and we are not the same again.

-

We were so close, so close we were

Inseparable, no one would see us apart.

Now we try to find other places to be,

excuses, more excuses to be somewhere else.

-

I let you go, as I let you down.

I feel as though you deserve a better daughter.

We push each other away when we need reassuring

that everything may work out in the end

of time

-

Yes I have issues,

yes I’m not the smartest

No I don’t really care

bout the way life goes

-

Because I have let myself run free

I’ve lost my own mind,

as fear has ran off with our once happy memories

Now all I see is blurred grass from my tears

-

There are so many other women in my life

Who treat me like I may belong in society

I need them as a mother

If you just let me drift away like I have done, and will do

-

Just give me away

To the darkness

or to someone who understands my head

someone who will pull on when I push them away

-

Just be patient

honest

and someone who I can turn to

and not run away from

-

Be a mother

Not a person

Be there

Not circulating air

Please, oh please

Just stay here

and make me want to be with you again

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41 Reviews

Points: 61
Reviews: 41

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Mon Jun 21, 2021 5:15 pm
RealSadhours296 wrote a review...



Your poem is really raw and powerful. The title summarizes the poem nicely, and and contents really immerse me in the feeling. I do feel that at certain points, my immersion breaks when something is worded in an odd and particular way however. For example, I feel like the stanzas "that everything may work out in the end" and "of time" could be combined. "Now all I see is blurred grass from my tears" made me stop for a few moments to process it. "bout the way life goes" did the same thing, probably because of 'bout.' Maybe put a ' before it? Or replace it with about? I don't know what I'm doing here though, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

As someone who has a...strained and tense relationship with their mom, this hit pretty close to home, although in a different way. I used to get along well with my mom when I was younger, but as I got older and hit my teen years we would constantly fight.

We run into each other sometimes since we live in the same town, and we can actually get along pretty well during those times, but the tension and the distance is there. Like in the poem, I wish it would go back to the good old days; the years before I reached my double digits. I wish me and my mom could get along again.

Thank you for writing this poem! Keep up the good work!






Thank you so much! :)



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48 Reviews

Points: 303
Reviews: 48

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Mon Jun 21, 2021 4:37 pm
LilPWilly wrote a review...



This is so good! I feel the same.
My only critique is in the last paragraph, I think circulating air throws off the poem rhythmically, switches the attention momentarily to her instead of your relationship, and rhymes uncomfortably with the line before it.
I really like how you express finding better mothers--i have had very similar experiences.




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70 Reviews

Points: 789
Reviews: 70

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Mon Jun 21, 2021 8:33 am
anne27 wrote a review...



Hi Rubes! Anne again to review your work.

Can't wait for it so let's just just get into it.

I'm in literal pain mama,

The title was phenomenal. It describes the poem in just one sentence which is awesome. When you say mama, it gives the feel that you're close to her and love her. And yet, the way you have to tell her that you are in pain, is reflecting the fact that she doesn't understand you as much as you probably want her to.

The repetition in the first line of second stanza was powerful and touching. It also seemed to emphasise on 'were' , I.e. the relationship is not that close in the present moment. The repetition for excuses, in the same stanza is also saying a lot. We all know, excuses never end once we start to think about them. That was reflected in such a beautiful way.

The third stanza, as I interpreted it, emphasised more on the reflection and guilt the poet was feeling.

The fourth stanza was relatable. Sometimes, we have to face pressure from our parents to act a certain way with others. The assertion that The poet doesn't care about how life goes seems to indicate defiance and tiredness from constant remarks and nagging.

Because I have let myself run free

I’ve lost my own mind,

as fear has ran off with our once happy memories

Now all I see is blurred grass from my tears

This ones so well written. Every expression is so appealing. I absolutely loved the expression of blurred grass. Since grass can be used to describe freshness and a new hope. Blurred grass to me meant that the hope of a new bond with the same person has partly died. And there is nothing but dullness in the former grass-like relationship.

The next three stanzas were sad yet wishful. I do hope things get better for you two :I

Be a mother

Not a person

Be there

Not circulating air

Please, oh please

Just stay here

and make me want to be with you again


A very amazing end. What else do I say?

Overall your poem was very engaging even though a little depressing. Its amazing how you can so accurately describe your emotions with your work. You really are a good poet!!
Keep writing :)






Thank you so much!!



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Points: 200
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Mon Jun 21, 2021 12:34 am
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SpyMaster says...



I think you should show this to your mom.





I'll actually turning 100 soon
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