Young Writers Society

The poem flows effortlessly and really highlights the protagonist’s struggle to cope with fear of failure. The choice of words and metaphors is exquisite and works well in the favor the poem.

But you failed ahead of starting
as guilt and remorse crushed
your golden wings that shriveled
before they could kiss the sunlight.

Hey, Hkumar!

This poem expertly and knowledgeably demonstrates internal personal growth of the narrator and their understanding of the world around them. To me, the narrator sounds like an older version of the figurative larva that failed to become a butterfly, using their 20/20 hindsight to see what went wrong and examine how different things could've been. Or, maybe, the narrator is a mentor or friend that is expressing some level of disappointment-- that also makes sense to me.

I think that this poem flowed very smoothly, and I especially like how you described how "guilt and remorse crushed" the person the narrator is referring to's wings. It illustrates and exemplifies how internal burdens and struggles can tear down a person and utterly destroy them, no matter what they try to accomplish, be for good or for bad, for better or for worse.

I loved this poem, so have another like! c:

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!

Hello there! LadyShadows here to give another review!
First of all, I'd like to say that this really is a lovely poem. It's positive and very well meaning.

For the nitpicking details, however, I noticed that when reading it out loud it didn't have much of a good flow. I noticed that you did have rhyme, but didn't have enough in my opinion to give a good flow. Imagine that your poem is a body of water. Usually what I'd like to see are rivers. Steady, strong, and flowing smoothly. Here in this analogy, I felt the poem was more of a bubbling brook or a small stream. Here, we find in this stream sticks, rocks and bundles of leaves impeding flow. This is what I mean:


Afraid of facing the world
being curled up inside this
cocoon of your own soul,
these uncertainties of life
refraining you from leaving
the confines of your safety.
Peeping through the cracks
seeing others emerge like
flowers in spring, winning
their battles while you wait
inside with growing anxiety.

Fluttering in heavenly hues
they embark on a journey
soaring high across the sky
ready to face every danger.
But you failed ahead of starting
as guilt and remorse crushed
your golden wings that shriveled...


Note there is little to no rhyme in this entire sequence. I also noticed in the lines you were creating that, if spread out like a story, would have been very long sentences. There is nothing wrong with that, just sometimes cutting down the lines/sentences would smooth it and round it off to create a smoother, flowing sequence in poetry. Going on:


...before they could kiss the sunlight.
Letting go of the opportunities
when you had the chance to fly
across radiant green meadows
but fear robbed you from delight.

Struggles endured by the larva
failed to transform into a butterfly
because it feared to take the flight.

There was a little more rhyming in this last sequence, which is good, but I feel could have been a little more to smooth it down, perhaps possibly at least every other phrase or so (You don't always have to do what I said in the previous sentence but trying to give an example). I think this last sequence was actually off to a good start! To top this review, the italics? Absolutely lovely! It gave the poem a lighthearted touch to the lesson you were portraying here.

I would also like to say, despite what I was telling you earlier, the poem did have a good amount of emotion. I'd also like to add, if you don't already, read your poems and stories out loud! It would definitely help because your brain will stop you if it sounds weird to it. Lol.

I really hope you found my review helpful and I really do hope you have an amazing rest of your day.

Hey there! Thanks for sharing this poem. It has a relatable quality, for sure, even if one has not experienced these feelings to this level. I like how you've captured the insecurity of a person who doesn't know their place in life and is afraid to step out and take chances. The imagery you've chosen is great.

For the most part, your formatting is clear and the poem flows pretty smoothly. I like how you capitalized the first word of every sentence, but because you left the first letter of all the other lines lowercase, I feel like it would look better if you went ahead and capitalized the first letter of each line.

As far as wording, the only major thing I saw that didn't sound right was in the line, "before they could kiss the sun." I'm in love with the idea you've got going on, but I think it would make more sense if it said something like, "before the sun could kiss them."

Well, that's my personal input. Keep up the good work!

Hello, Hkumar! First of all, I like the theme of your poem. I never thought of comparing one's self with nature, the result is very agreeable!

This is my favorite part:

Fluttering in heavenly hues/they embark on a journey/soaring high across the sky

Letting go off the opportunities/when you had the chance to fly

Fear is meant to keep us safe, but it can also keep us still.

I assume that is the moral of this story.
Now butterflies and larva are always being used as metaphors for change, the same metaphor is in place here but you have made it about the fear to grow up and the pressure to preform.

Everyone goes through a period of self doubt when growing up.
Comparing yourself to others who you assume are "Winning their battles".
A larva so afraid of what might happen outside that It missed its chance to fly.

However
"Letting go off the opportunities
when you had the chance to fly
across radiant green meadows
but fear robbed you from delight."

while I love what this is saying you wrote OFF instead of OF, easy fix though.

Overall you did great.