Hello HJ Young! I wonder if you remember me from reviewing your poem, Of Mankind. I loved that previous poem and was deeply impressed by it. I'm in awe of this one as well.
POSITIVES:
Like I stated previously, you have impeccable vocabulary. I saw you utilize words that most thirteen-year-olds would not know. Wonderful job on that manner! Your poem starts off very strong. The first stanza placed a set theme and established the mood immediately. Congrats on that!
Your rhyming is well thought out. Oftentimes when I see poems that rhyme, unless it was a more stylistic approach that made sense, most writers on this forum started out rhyming then abandoned it. Thank you for keeping the AAAA rhyme scheme consistent. That's hard to do. There's a reason why I don't rhyme my poetry.
Rhythm wise, your poem mostly is consistent. I can see you really thought this poem out subconsciously at least, or you just have a knack for editing. Everything here in this poem makes sense. I really don't find anything unnecessary. Your word choices, rhyming, and rhythm give this poem a very harmonious aspect that all work together to form a collective idea. Everything here sets the mood and theme.
I love poems and writing in general that make us think. Like your previous work, this one gives a lot of philosophical aspects and encourages us to think of what we humans are as a species.
My favorite lines were
Love the astronomical reference.As for his prospects in the stars
From Proxima Centauri to Mars
and
But mankind will always go the path which is most narrow
And reach for the proverbial bow and arrow
CRITIQUES:
I really don't have much to say other than a few minor things.
Grammar wise, I think some punctuation might do this poem some good. I see poets, including myself, choose to forgo punctuation as a more stylistic approach and add more depth. Here, I think some commas and periods might add emphasis to some points, and perhaps, allow the flow to move even more smoother.
Like @Phillauthet mentioned, you start off using mankind, then use the word "him". A plural pronoun could be something to look into.
There are times that the poem does go off beat, however.
Here for example
A being of both good and evil unbind
Capable of extraordinary acts of mind
And of terrible cruelty in kind
It doesn't seem to flow as well as the other stanzas. Maybe changing extraordinary or rearranging some words or experimenting might help you find an even better way to state the ideas.
I'm probably just being picky here, but it's just a huge pet peeve of mine when all lines are capitalized. Lines that are part of the same sentence shouldn't be capitalized. Auto cap is the bane of all poets. Most of the time we don't even notice it.
Overall, you, like I state previously, are very very talented. Most of your quirks will better with time. If your poetry is this refined at a young age, and you're already this mature, you're on the right track. With time, experience, and a little formal mentor ship, I can see you having a professional career. You remind me of myself so much, it's almost scary.
I can not wait to see how you evolve as a writer and a poetic artist. You have a gift, and don't let anyone tell you different. Remember to listen to critiques but stay true to who you are as a writer, and don't be afraid to change.
Keep on writing! I look forward to reading more from you.
PS: I hope you remember me and maybe check out some of my stuff I recently posted.
). I personally liked how all the lines rhymed with each other. It usually is hard to do that, and seems a little forced, but yours was natural.
Points: 4785
Reviews: 66
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