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Blueberry Bush

by WishIHadASword


(WARNING: This is the crappiest poem known to mankind because I don't writing poetry often, I'm just plain AWFUL at it, I wrote this a while ago, and it's not really meant to be good. I appreciate suggestions, try to ignore the awfulness!)

She lived in a world

So broken and stripped,

No food to be chewed

No water to be sipped

He lived in a house

So golden and grand

Where there was never a shortage

Of blueberry jam

She found a berry bush

Strange, blue-colored fruit

She told all her friends

And together they'd loot

They'd pick what they could

Leave the rest for the rich

For they knew stealing

Would get their backs whipped

The rich boy didn't notice

His bushes were bare

Not until morning

When he was made aware

What made him aware

Was lack of blueberry jam

No sugar to cover

The toast in his hands

The boy caught the girl

He cried, "You're so unfair!"

Yet as he scolded her

She did nothing but stare

"I'm the unfair one?"

She tried not to be rude.

"The people in the village

don't even have food!"

He faltered a moment

and tried not to care

but there were rips in her clothes

and dirt in her hair

"No food in the village?"

he whispered in stun

"And that's why my berries

are suddenly gone?"

She nodded in shame

He let go of her wrist

Then she reached on her tiptoes

And gave him a kiss

"Thank you, sweet boy,"

she called as she ran

"Service truly does change

a boy to a man"

From then on the rich boy

sold all of his jam

and turned the poor village

to a wonderful land

And that shows us, dear readers,

He just needed a push

To create a story of giving

And a Blueberry bush


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31 Reviews


Points: 41
Reviews: 31

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Sun May 09, 2021 4:48 am
Phillauthet wrote a review...



Hey, don't degrade yourself so much. If you feel so insecure about your poems, that's probably because you don't write often. Keep writing, and you'll feel a lot more confident.

This poem is great! The rhymes are very subtle, which only adds to the theme. I like the flow, and the whole theme. The way you express things is amazing!

Just work on your vocabulary and confidence, and you'll be a great poet!




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38 Reviews


Points: 74
Reviews: 38

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Wed Apr 28, 2021 6:08 pm



It has a nice, subtle beat to it! Not bad at all for apparently the CRAPPIEST poem...better than what I can write haha. Don't talk yourself down, I love your style and simple structure!

Great effort and result
Love Rubes x






Thank you, you're so sweet!!



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17 Reviews


Points: 117
Reviews: 17

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Tue Apr 27, 2021 2:54 pm
MellyBourne wrote a review...



Learn to take pride in your work, you're no Cohen or Hemingway but what you write is yours and deserves to be loved. This was a good poem. What got my attention especially was the smooth flow of it. From one verse to the other the poem just glides. I loved that. The story wasn't very compelling or personal, but it had a nice twist to it and had a good point. I'd say, keep your writing style but make the stories you tell more personal and you will have something really great.






Thank you so much, I'll definitely think about that!



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121 Reviews


Points: 21970
Reviews: 121

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Tue Apr 27, 2021 12:00 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there :)

You are way too modest, that's one of the sweetest poems I've ever read !

I loved the flow of this poem, the sentences are short and to the point, there are rhymes almost at every line and these rhymes show up at a very regular pace, and while the message of the poem is not exactly groundbreaking, it's still delivered in an original way, and is a sweet message that never grows old, really.

From then on the rich boy

sold all of his jam

and turned the poor village

to a wonderful land


I really liked this line, everything is just so perfect, it feels like I'm being delivered this message in a neatly tied present.

The flow is wonderful, if this is really your first try at poetry, this is impressive! I saw no particular errors, apart for a small shift in the flow at one point,

"No food in the village?"

he whispered in shock

"And that's why my berries

are suddenly gone?"


the "gone" was out of place in an otherwise perfect rhyming scheme. There's not much rhymes with "shock" and "gone", but maybe "stun"?
So
"He whispered in stun
'And that's why my berries
are suddenly gone ?"

It's not a perfect rhyme either, but it flows better.

Hope to read more from you, you truly have a talent at writing <33






Thank you so much for the suggestions, I'll definitely use that!



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72 Reviews


Points: 1328
Reviews: 72

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Tue Apr 27, 2021 4:05 am
NivedaJames22 wrote a review...



Hey!

Your author's note is waaaay too modest! This poem was awesome! There is no awfulness at all!

I really liked how you passed on a sweet message through your poem. The title was also really suitable for the poem. :D

There is a nice flow, as well as a lesson. It sounds wonderful.

I really liked this line:

"Service truly does change

a boy to a man"


On the whole, it was a great poem, with no errors at all, that leaves us with a touching thought. Like the boy in the poem, the readers are also given a little push towards kindness.
Great going!

Can't wait to read more of your work.

Keep writing. (:






Thank you so much!




A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats