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Welcome to Wonderland pt 2

by Emivanz1


It was all too much. The dream was spinning, making my head hurt. I closed my eyes until it stopped, and when I opened them again I was in a completely different setting.  this time I was in the middle of an elementary schools playground. The little girl was there, still  the only thing in color. I tried to walk over, but my feet wouldn't move. I just had to sit and watch. 

The little girl-er my sister was holding a coloring book and some crayons, standing nervously in the middle of chaos that was called recess. She turned her head, obviously looking for something, and when she found it her eyes widened. Some boys had started running towards her. I could see the fear in her eyes as the young boys knocked the coloring book out of her hands and when they looked at her, for a few split seconds I saw the brutality in their eyes. The fist came flying forward, the girl flinched, and took the hit.

Another fist came flying in my big sister’s face, then another, and another. Until she had blood dripping down her pale face, turning it bright red. The boys left her in a crumpled heap on the cement ground. It was agony just sitting there and watching her pinch the bridge of her nose and assess the damage done to her left eye. I knew I would have cried, or screamed, or done something to get myself help if I were in her situation. But even little first grader Alexis was stronger than I thought. She picked herself up, and walked to the bathroom. 

As soon as she got there though, the dream started to spin again, and after a split second I was back in the field of flowers. I realized I could move again and immediately started asking questions to the same little girl who was standing in front of me.

I was so busy doing this that I didn't know that the little girl had aged up. Instead of a young first grader, I now saw a tall fifteen year old girl. This girl I recognized from the wonderful memories that came with my childhood. This was Alexis, there was no denying that.

Alexis spoke and said, “You're my little sister right? Well, I guess I should start showing you around!”

It was weird, hearing that voice again, one I hadn't heard in a while.

One of my favorite memories of that voice is when we were sitting on a blanket on the beach, just her and I. She was singing, and I was watching the waves as they crashed down on the sandy shore. I always took that voice for granted, If only I knew, I would have kept it more special. 

*

I hadn’t paid attention to the girl, my big sister. And I wish I did, because she disappeared. I started walking in a random direction, hoping that I would find her. It didn’t take long for the scenery to change, I was now in a dense forest. The sounds of the forest were quiet, almost muted. And I could feel a pair of eyes on me, but anytime I turned around they seemed to melt away. I walked around until I started to hear a new sound, water. I started jogging towards the sound of the rushing waterfall. I figured she would be here, Alexis’ favorite things are waterfalls, or were her favorite things.

And as I suspected Alexis was there, but in an absurd place. At the top of the waterfall, getting ready to dive. I called out her name, but she didn't hear me and dove. As soon as she hit the water the dream spun again. This time the dizziness was tolerable, but still gave me a headache.

By the time I opened my eyes I was once again in another setting. This time I was at the high school pool, used for the swim team and other water sports. I saw fifteen year old Alexis in her dive suit, coming out of the locker rooms. She was on her way to the diving board when she stopped and turned around to see an eighteen year old boy creeping up behind her. I thought he was going to hurt her, but when she saw him she just laughed.

“Hey creeper” she said in a sarcastic tone. “Hey watergirl” the man said back, “I thought you would be here”. “I always am” replied Alexis, and she walked back to where he was standing and straight up kissed him. The man hadn't seen at all surprised by this sudden act of affection and kissed back. I did not remember Alexis having a boyfriend before, she said that she wasn't going to date until she was eighteen, but in this memory, she was on the sophomore swim team, not the senior one.

After they were done the boy went over to the lap pool to swim, and Alexis headed over to the diving board. Oddly enough I could see silent tears running down her face, as she dove into the water.

The dream shifted and I started to see the clip of Alexis and the man in a dim room together. There was music playing downstairs but it was faint, as if they were at a party.

“Colin, I can't do this anymore, especially in the state you’re in right now,” Alexis calmly said, “you were a great guy at first, but you’ve changed”

The man just stared at her for a minute but then in a cold voice said, “Alexis you can't leave me now, I need you, and you are caught up in this business too, you are going to get us in trouble.”

“And that is exactly why I cannot be with you anymore, You dont treat me right, you are doing illegal things, this is a sensible decision on my part!” Alexis shouted, “I don't care if I get in trouble, as long as you go down too!”

Alexis stormed out and ran downstairs to leave. She got in her car and took a deep breath, and then a sigh. She started driving, but wasn't going back to our house, she took a route that leads to the police station. But before she got there a car started following us. I couldn't turn my head to see who it was, but alexis seemed worried. She drove faster and so did the car, when she stopped it did too. As she was about to get on the main road, The car picked up speed and rammed us. 


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Fri May 07, 2021 7:09 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Emivanz1,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

By the title, the narrator's name and how the story ended in the last chapter, I was expecting to see a joyful, colourful world à la Alice in Wonderland, but this blew my expectations away. It was surreal and extreme in some ways. I liked that a lot.

this time I was in the middle of an elementary schools playground.


You started very well in the last chapter describing this dream at the end and I would think you could add some short sentences about what else it looks like. (Is there a school building, a tree, etc.?) You could describe that until Allie notices that there is a girl standing there.

I could see the fear in her eyes as the young boys knocked the colouring book out of her hands and when they looked at her, for a few split seconds I saw the brutality in their eyes.


The sentence has become a little long and takes up almost half of the paragraph. As the tension builds a little, you have to be careful not to fall into it and suddenly become part of it yourself. I would split the sentence into two or even three parts, because especially the subordinate clause here seems more like a minor sentence and not so relevant from the info, although I also find this part important.

But even little first grader Alexis was stronger than I thought.


That must feel terrible to see that and not be able to help. In the previous sentence Allie talks about how she would react to this, but I would have liked to have seen more here about what she would have done if she had run to her when she could run. It lacks a bit of empathy on Allie's part.

One of my favorite memories of that voice is when we were sitting on a blanket on the beach, just her and I. She was singing, and I was watching the waves as they crashed down on the sandy shore. I always took that voice for granted, If only I knew, I would have kept it more special.


The transition from the previous section to this one is a little choppy. The beginning needs to be rewritten a bit to create a smoother transition. For example, "A voice I haven't heard in a long time. Like that time on the beach..." or something like that.

And I could feel a pair of eyes on me, but anytime I turned around they seemed to melt away.


I like this description very much.

Furthermore, pay attention to upper and lower case. :D Just read the text briefly after you've finished it after a short while to clear your head, and then read over it again. Also, I would put the dialogues (the few that can be found in the text) on single lines. This might make the text seem bigger, but it gives you a better overview of who is speaking.

The story turned out great. It's as confusing and strange as a real dream you experience and you feel like Allie is overwhelmed from one situation to another. You've managed to build a world of your own with the settings, which to me seems like Allie's subconscious. She is trying to get to the bottom of getting to know Alexis all over again.

I'm not an expert in dream interpretation, but I find it very exciting when you think about what the dream means. What does Allie feel about it? Why isn't she at the centre of it? What does the subconscious wants to tell Allie?

I think it's good that my fear (hope at the beginning) was not confirmed, that this will be a beautiful dream where Allie can be united with Alexis at least for a short time. In terms of the dialogue, I think it's great that there is some, but it comes across as a bit artificial. I would change them around a bit, as it also currently feels like neither Allie nor the reader has any idea what exactly they are talking about.

In summary, you've created a very surreal story and I'm excited to see what happens next!

That's all from my side! Have fun with your writing!

Mailice.




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Sat Apr 24, 2021 2:28 am
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OrangeJuice158 wrote a review...



Heyo! This is shaping up really nice so far. I'd say the best part so far is definitely the opening, it really helps draw the reader in. I find it good enough, in fact, that I only have three small complaints!

There are a few punctuation mistakes, but that happens in almost every literary work ever. They're all relatively small and not too noticeable to the average reader (just guessing at that, maybe others see it too). All in all, not the biggest problem, and certainly not enough to ruin this story. However, if you're so inclined, you could take the time to go back through the work and remedy these small mistakes, if only to improve the reading experience a little.

Another small issue is the dialogue - it comes off as a little clunky, and not so much something you'd hear two people actually saying to one another. This isn't a deal breaker, it just reads off a little weird the first time through.

And thirdly, maybe slow down the story a bit and provide more background. I really like where things are going right now, but some time to stop and smell the metaphorical roses would be nice!

Those are all small things, but they would all be very easy to improve on if you choose to do so. But however you proceed, this is shaping up to be very interesting, and I'm definitely coming back for the next installment! Good work!!




Emivanz1 says...


Thank you! im actually writing this for a project at school that has a page limit so I cant add too much else in but I'll try




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro