z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

We could be those twenty-six year olds riding bikes in--

by fatherfig


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37 Reviews

Points: 109
Reviews: 37

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Sun Mar 14, 2021 4:28 pm
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YellowSweater wrote a review...



The imagery in this is wonderful! Every image seems to compliment the other ones. I also love the unique formating. It draws your attention. And because of the title, there is this lovely tinge of melancholy tossed casually into the rest of the poem.

I think this piece might run the risk of being almost too "Perfect" if you didn't through in the occasional subtle juxtaposition which lends the piece both a realness and surrealness. This suits the theme and form very nicely.

One of my favorite lines "... just inhale the jasmine, do you feel the seconds yet"




fatherfig says...


Thank you <3



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311 Reviews

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Thu Mar 11, 2021 1:53 pm
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Riverlight wrote a review...



Ack, sorry this took so long! I got pretty busy! XD

Oh, this was really neat and pretty! I really like your descriptions and word choices, especially "aged in a sentimental sort of way," which makes things feel kind of older. It reminds me of how newly paved roads bleach out over time, turning from black, to gray, to the really dusty horrible grayish color.

I saw one spelling error-- "methodically" is spelled as "methodicaly."

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




fatherfig says...


thank you vil <3



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89 Reviews

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Mon Mar 08, 2021 7:07 pm
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mordax wrote a review...



Hey there!

So, let me just start off by saying... Wow. That's it. Wow. I absolutely loved this poem. Each line and word was so decadent, sizzling like champagne on my tongue. The descriptions grew more magnificent as the poem went on and I found myself wishing it would never end.

I don't have many critiques, but here are the ones I do have:

like the color was methodicaly massaged from them,

Methodically was spelled wrong here.

peaceful and not trying to please. was inviting to them

This line, is the period intentional after the 'please'? If so, why, because grammatically, the next sentence isn't correct, nor does it flow right.

only peices

Pieces is spelled incorrectly.

Besides this, I have no critiques. Here are some of my favorite lines though... :)
with a side of peach and unripe watermelon
lavender, lemon, and lime peels turned inside out.

I absolutely adore this description. I can taste each flavor, smell each smell, and see all the beautiful pastel colors.

and you can never have it all at once, only pieces
small pieces at a time, until you are afraid to eat the
last piece because you'll not have anymore

Gah, I adore these lines. It perfectly captures those moments that are beautiful yet bittersweet because those moments will end. You want to savor the time you have, each moment beautiful and momentary.

Overall, I adore this poem. You are very talented.

Mordax




fatherfig says...


thank you :>



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218 Reviews

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Reviews: 218

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Sun Mar 07, 2021 7:57 pm
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creaturefeature wrote a review...



Hey Shadow!

Ahh I love this poem so much! The imagery really gets me into the scene, and I enjoy when that happens. It's oddly specific at some times with "seven minutes," but I am still loving the poem and it doesn't bother me much now.

I have a few things I'm unsure about:

is it possible to smell a clock tick-ticking-tick-tock-tocking


I think I understand the meaning of this; time goes by too fast and childhood and teenage life is barely enough. If so, I love the idea of smelling the time going to waste, or just smelling it in general. I'm not the fondest about the wording choices though;

"tick-ticking-tick-tock-tocking" could've been executed better. I understand that it's supposed to be the sounds that a clock makes, and once again, love that idea. I just think maybe you could italicize or bold it to separate it from the other text to symbolize that it's onomatopoeia and form some more of a bold formatting.

Speaking of formatting, this kind of runs together. This could possibly just be me, but it gets hard to read at some spots where it breaks.

do you feel the seconds yet?


This feels like it fits in better with the rest of the poem's imagery. It still has a bit of an awkward wording though, but it's more mellow feeling, which goes well with the whole atmosphere I get when I read this.

Ahh great job!

lum




fatherfig says...


thanks lum <3333




Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant