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Young Writers Society



Prophecy of Thieves [chapter 6]

by mordax


Flitting laughter and tinkling glasses filled the hall, blending with the gentle lute the musician strummed, hidden in the shadows. The ballroom was bedecked in ribbons and flowers in celebration for the prince and his birthday. Yet the focal point of the party wished to be anything but.

After having escaped the probing eyes of a mob of couriers, Ambrose managed to stow away in the corners of the room, a chalice somehow in his hand when it hadn’t been before. Just doors away were his companions—the people he was meant to lead—locked into rooms to await their departure. And he was standing in a hall of giggling women and strutting men, his belly empty but for a single chalice of wine.

Ambrose set down the newly filled cup on a nearby table before he would drink it. He needed his head clear. He needed to review his notes and prepare himself for the impending journey. Perhaps he could slip out—

“You’re going to leave, aren’t you?” Kai’s deep voice said beside him. Ambrose stiffened and glanced at his friend. Kai only gave him a look.

For once, Kai was able to attend the party as a guest, not a guard. A mercy from his father, Ambrose supposed, to allow him one friend in the awful celebrations. As it was Kai’s birthday as well, it only made sense for him to attend.

“Yes,” Ambrose said sheepishly, ducking behind a royal banner when a councilman wandered by in search of him. He could feel the cool stone wall through his pristine silk tunic. “All these people… And I have so much work to do.”

“All you’ve been doing is work,” Kai responded, yanking him out from behind the banner. “While I agree this place is suffocating, you need to relax. Take a night off.”

“This party is more stressful than any trouble we may face in the upcoming months.”

Though Ambrose hadn’t meant it as a joke, Kai laughed. “I didn’t mean to take the night off to party. That would be hell for us both. Just… No more studying.”

“But there’s so much I still don’t know. Like where, exactly, the Sword of Strength is and what is protecting it and—”

Kai slung his arm around Ambrose’s shoulder and began tugging him away from the corner. “Here’s the plan. You are going to go to the cleric and receive your blessing as is customary, say a few nice words to your guests, then we can go spar.”

“I hate sparring,” Ambrose grumbled.

“Too bad. Sparring is a good way to relieve stress.”

“By letting you beat me up?”

Kai chuckled. “If you actually practiced, maybe you could get a few hits in.”

Ambrose sighed, but let Kai lead him to the front podium before the ballroom. Voices fell silent as he walked, all eyes following him. His leather boots echoed over the marble floor, resounding up into the tall arched ceiling. Kai left him at the bottom of the small, oak platform and Ambrose trudged up to where the cleric waited, his fingers dragging over the holy scriptures.

The cleric glanced up from his holy book, his grey and frail face weary. Ambrose was familiar with the man as he had been granting his blessings on each celebration since his birth. It was no secret the man despised Ambrose yet adored his older brother. Such sentiments were common.

The room silenced as Ambrose knelt before the cleric. The man’s weathered and callused thumb drew an ‘x’ upon his brow, then his chest. He murmured words of gratitude and blessings for another year lived, lifting both hands to the dangling chandelier above as though the gods were housed in it. The scriptures exhausted, he backed away, gold and white robes swishing, and gestured for Ambrose to rise.

Ambrose turned to the crowds, his heart pounding in his chest. Now was his customary speech to his guests—or rather his father’s guests. A blur of colorful fabrics and painted faces stared back at him. Ambrose blinked once. Twice. He began to chew on his cheek. He still hadn’t said anything.

Someone coughed, the sound sharply echoing through the hall. Ambrose cleared his throat and felt his face begin to burn. “Thank you for all coming,” he stuttered. “I hope… I hope you enjoy the celebrations and… Thank you.”

Ambrose nodded to their expectant faces and hurried off the platform. He didn’t bother to see if Kai followed as he shoved through the mobs of people and out into the hall.

“That was your speech?”

Ambrose groaned, throwing his head back. “Every year it’s the same. I have to make some speech to the guests I didn’t even invite and each year I make a fool of myself.” When Kai didn’t respond, Ambrose continued. “How am I supposed to lead strangers when I can’t even make a speech at my own party?”

“You will do fine,” Kai responded, his voice low as a group of couriers shuffled past, dressed in all their finery.

Ambrose scoffed. “Easy for you to say. You are a natural leader.”

“Me?” Kai chuckled darkly. “No one takes me seriously. I’m just an orphan guard who was lucky enough to be chosen by the gods.”

“At least you can fight. You gain people’s respect in that regard.”

Kai opened the door to the empty sparring room and turned to raise his brows at Ambrose. He tossed him a wooden sword, which Ambrose fumbled to catch before dropping it. “Let’s cut the martyr argument. Direct that into your sword instead.”

Ambrose stooped to grab the practice weapon before giving Kai a long look. “I can barely swing this thing.” He held out his sword but it was loose in his palms, ready to drop.

Kai tapped his sword against Ambrose’s and raised his brows. “Just try, would you?”

Ambrose almost wondered if Kai’s light attitude was just an act. A way to distract him from everything ahead. He opened his mouth to tell his friend it was futile, when Kai swung at him and whacked his thigh.

“Hey! What was that for?”

“We’re sparring, in case you forgot,” Kai joked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Ambrose swung at Kai, only hitting air. “That was pathetic.”

He whirled around to find Kai behind him. “What—”

This time, he was whacked on his calf.

“Ow!” Ambrose spun, swinging the wooden sword hoping to find any contact and… The wood reverberated under his palms all the way to his elbows when he struck Kai’s shoulder. He didn’t question if Kai was okay—he doubted he could hit that hard—but…

He wasn’t thinking about the prophecy. And hitting something felt… surprisingly good. When he met Kai’s eyes, he realized his friend was smiling. Perhaps he had allowed the strike.

Ambrose shook his head to clear it. “I should go back to the library—”

“Reading a last minute book will not break or make our fates. Now hit me again.”

When Ambrose swung half-heartedly at his friend, Kai easily blocked it.

They sparred into the night, their party continuing without them. By the time Ambrose dragged himself to bed, sweat-slicked and bruised, he was too exhausted to think about what lay ahead. Too exhausted to ponder the lives of those he was to lead just doors away from his own. Anxiety still pooled in his gut—nagging even more now that he was too exhausted to focus his attention on it. But sleep pulled him under before he could ease that anxiety. Before he could focus once more on the papers piled upon his desk.

He realized that was likely Kai’s intent, as his eyes fluttered shut and his body gave way to sleep’s lull.


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Thu Aug 12, 2021 4:05 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Heya mordax,

Back again, at long last! This is a short chapter so my review will also likely be short, but I look forward to it! Let's get started...

Yet the focal point of the party wished to be anything but.


The way this is written is a tiny bit confusing. I had to read it several times before I understood what it meant.

“That was your speech?”


Ahah this line struck me as funny. I can feel the sarcasm oozing from it.

“We’re sparring, in case you forgot,” Kai joked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Ambrose swung at Kai, only hitting air. “That was pathetic.”


This is the second time I noticed this, so I figured I would point it out. Usually, the last action before dialogue is who you would expect to be speaking, so this is a little confusing since you put Ambrose's action before Kai's dialogue.

An easy way to fix that is to just sandwich it, so that you have Kai before and after that action. Even something as simple as:

“We’re sparring, in case you forgot,” Kai joked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Ambrose swung at Kai, only hitting air. Kai frowned at him. “That was pathetic.”


It can be anything, really, but do you see what I did there? Kai speaks, and has an action. Ambrose acts. Then Kai has another action before he speaks again. That gets our attention back on Kai instead of Ambrose, so we can better predict who the speaker is. Just makes things clear and easy to follow, rather than trying to guess who is saying what.

~

I liked this chapter! It was nice to see a bit more Kai/Ambrose action. I really like Kai. He seems like a really solid friend that is going to be really important to Ambrose. The Sam to Ambrose's Frodo. I really love characters like that, and am endeared to Kai already.

Hope this helped!

~Shady




mordax says...


Thank you very much I love your suggestions!



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Mon Jul 26, 2021 8:44 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi mordax,

Mailice back with another review! :D

That was an interesting chapter looking at the two of them. I assume the festivities took place when Rieka and co were already in their rooms sleeping. Still loving your characters and the doubts Ambrose has in this case. (Now that I think about it, does Ambrose's name have anything to do with Ambrosia? The food of the gods... hm...) I liked the conversation between him and Kai and how Kai can be a bit teasing though.
I also liked Ambrose's speech (if you can even title it a speech), but am just thinking why you included this chapter. It didn't bring anything new story-wise now, but was only good for the insight of both? Or is the interpretation more between the lines? (I am of the opinion that these doubts and Ambrose's diminished self-esteem will have consequences).

Otherwise, it was a well-written chapter as usual. I just found the solemnity a bit too cold. You described a bit at the beginning what it looks like and what the atmosphere is like, but I also expected to hear a bit more about who the guests are or what they mumble after Ambrose has finished his speech. At some point the atmosphere seemed dead before Ambrose and Kai left. I also think that a king is the main focus of attention at a party and that people will certainly talk to him more often.

Apart from that I don't really have much to say. Keep up the good work! :D

The ballroom was covered in ribbons and flowers in celebration for the prince and his birthday.

I have never heard or read "bedecked" in English, but can still imagine what it means. It's nice to learn new words. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Tue Jun 01, 2021 10:55 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



AHHHHHHH HIIII I'M BACKK

Flitting laughter and tinkling glasses filled the hall, blending with the gentle lute the musician strummed, hidden in the shadows. The ballroom was bedecked in ribbons and flowers in celebration for the prince and his birthday.


Your word choice here though 0.0 It's so fitting with the event going on! Words like "flitting" and "tinkling" and "bedecked" give such a graceful, elegant, and celebratory feel, which aligns with the setting of a prince's birthday party. I love your opening

“All these people… And I have so much work to do.”


Yup, I can totally imagine; he must be feeling pretty stressed as this is a quest he cannot fail >.>
Since his father is pretty serious about this quest, I'm surprised that he threw this party instead of letting Ambrose study and prepare. But this seems like a tradition, so I understand wanting to keep these parties going

edit: Oh, and now that I've read more, I now understand why they have to have this celebration, for the blessings / ceremonies, and just formalities in general :)

It was no secret the man despised Ambrose yet adored his older brother. Such sentiments were common.


Ohhh that must hurt, especially since Ambrose is often the "center of attention" or "main guy," so people may build up resentment against him if his brother is preferred >.>

OKAY JUST THINKING OF OTHER BOOKS I READ, I hope Ambrose doesn't come to resent his brother because of this omg, I love them both <3 but that would be a cool villain origin story ~

“Thank you for all coming,” he stuttered. “I hope… I hope you enjoy the celebrations and… Thank you.”


10/10 speech, something I would definitely do haha
Poor guy; so worried and uptight he couldn't even speak properly. I agree with Kai; he needs to take some time for himself <3

Ambrose nodded to their expectant faces and hurried off the platform. He didn’t bother to see if Kai followed as he shoved through the mobs of people and out into the hall.


I'm curious if people jeered behind him? I don't think they'd do that, though, since this seems to be a formal setting. Maybe there were disapproving murmurs? Or just some general acknowledgment of his very wonderful speech xD

“Every year it’s the same. I have to make some speech to the guests I didn’t even invite and each year I make a fool of myself.”


Aww </33 from this chapter, Ambrose is coming off as really unconfident, and I feel bad for him >.> I'm also worried about his journey, because I know the others are pretty harsh and I think he's going to get picked on

He realized that was likely Kai’s intent, as his eyes fluttered shut and his body gave way to sleep’s lull.


asdhfjkl I love Kai and Ambrose's friendship :')) I hope it never changes, but oof for some reason I feel like something is going to cause them to drift apart, either abruptly or over time. PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG LOL, that would break my heart xD

This chapter was super effective in showing Ambrose's anxiety. I felt and shared his nervousness and apprehension about the quest. This does worry me a lot though, because like Rieka said, his quest mates see him as an easy target >.> so I wonder if he's going to be able to handle all the pressure and leading this journey. And if not, he's going to have an unhappy father and be disappointed in himself, and oof, that would not be good

I wonder what role Kai is going to play :O I feel like he's probably going to be involved in this quest / prophecy somehow... maybe not, but if he does, I wonder how that would make Ambrose feel and how that would affect their relationship. Eep I'm excited for the next chapter :)

OKAY I AM DONE, I hope these comments prove useful to you <3 can't wait to read more! :)




mordax says...


Thank you again!!!!



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Tue Feb 16, 2021 6:03 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey mordax! I'm here a little later then I was hoping to be but better late then never! :) Since you already know the drill, I'll just jump into it!

And he was standing in a hall of giggling women and strutting men, his belly empty but for a single chalice of wine.
I feel like this sentence belongs in the paragraph above it. It feels out of place by itself as its' own paragraph.

It was no secret the man despised Ambrose yet adored his older brother. Such sentiments were common.
I really like thee little blips that you add here and there. It's a really good way of reminding me what his status is and the personal disappointments he must have. It's especially good because it ensures I have a good image of him while not being overloaded with self-pity, information etc....

He whirled around to find Kai behind him. “How did you—”
Okay, so I know Ambrose isn't a natural in anything but books and studies but I do find his lack of knowledge a little unbelievable. Even if he has no particular love of the physical arts, he -as the king's son- would still have at least the knowledge of how he got over there. The steps, even though he doesn't do well enough to execute them, would still be mapped out in his mind...if that makes any sense :)

Other then that though, it was really well done! It was nothing less then I expected and trust me, I've set high standards for your work. It's just so intriguing and even in such a simple chapter, I find myself being pulled into it's words and depth. There's so much said in the most simplest sentences and I love it! There's a constant flow of information, whether new or old and I find that really interesting. It keeps my attention so easily. It flows with no effort on my end to understand what you're saying. It's amazing! :D

Honestly, I'm kinda curious about Kai too. He seems like he's going to play an important role for Ambrose to succeed in his journey. Both the mental and physical trouble that lay ahead of them. Already, I can see how Kai is giving him more confidence in himself and what he wants. I really like their friendship dynamic.

Anyways, that's all I have for you! See you in the next chapter! :D :D :D

Honora




mordax says...


Thank you for these suggestions! I agree with all of them. And thank you for taking the time to review! It means a lot.



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Mon Feb 15, 2021 12:22 pm
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illy7896 wrote a review...



This is a very descriptive chapter and, like the reviewer stated below, flows easily and nicely. Additionally, the topic and subject within the chapter was significant, and you tied it all up nicely at the end however still leaving some unanswered questions and suspense, the perfect way to hook the reader in without giving too much away.
'After having escaped the probing eyes of a mob of couriers, Ambrose managed to stow away in the corners of the room, a chalice somehow in his hand when it hadn’t been before.'
I think that this line was effective, however could you possibly describe the cup in a little more detail and why its in his hands. Though this is evident in later lines, perhaps by saying something like: he hadn't realised how much he had drank, or something like this would give you the opportunity to dive into his nervousness and a little backstory. But this is completely up to you.

I enjoyed reading this piece :)




mordax says...


Thank you so much!



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LadyMysterio wrote a review...



Hello, Lady Here to review this awesome chapter!
wow, I don't know how anyone has not liked this or reviewed this yet it is so well written, wow. I very much enjoyed reading it. I will have to go back and read the other chapters, maybe review them as well. I am trying to get to my new review star and I need some points to post some of the chapters of my nano novel.
Anyway, I should talk about the chapter lol.

It was good. I loved the description in the chapter. It gave a good "word picture" if you will in my head. it flowed from one scene to the next nicely. Plus it didn't drag on or go too fast. It is something I would defiantly enjoy reading.

Well, that's all I have to say for now.
You might see me again soon in another of your chapters.
-Lady




mordax says...


Thank you for your review!



LadyMysterio says...


no problem!




Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson