Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm baaack again!!
First Impression: Okay...soo looks like we've got too chapters going on in the one piece and I can see why...chapter is pretty short compared to some of the others ones...and I think both chapters are pretty decent, the story really moves forward quite a few steps her, and I think it's going in an interesting direction here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The sad vacation had ended. Marie has become lonelier. Earlier,too she was lonely in her school but she had a good partner to talk and gossip with. Now, that is no more.
“Marie, get ready. Your school bus is about to arrive. Fast.” told her father.
“ Yes papa. I am getting ready. Papa, I have a request…”
“Ok. i will listen to it after you return from school. Now, get ready. It’s 8:15 you see. I am not gonna drop you. Then I will be late. Fast fast.”
Well, Marie is certainly not taking the death of her grandfather all too well, and it looks like especially judging from this quick interaction we see with her father, she doesn't really have anyone else that will listen to her problems.
“Hello girls. Nice to meet you after such a long time. I have a good news for you.” told miss.Paul , the class teacher of class 5.”
“What ma’am?” shouted the whole class.
“Hush… quiet. You will have only the last two periods today.”
“Yeah. thank you ma’am.”
OKay....once again, a very sudden transition, I think you need to put something there to indicate that the scene is changing, or this feels like it just slaps you in the face out of nowhere....and that's not a good thing.
“Ok. but no playing games. Today, we are going to talk about summer vacations. I will call your names one by one and you will tell how you spent these days. Ok?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Well. Anna, tell what did you do?”
Anna answered, “Ma’am i visited shimla.”
“That’s a great place indeed.”
“Yes ma’am. Very beautiful.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes ma’am. I painted a lot. I have brought a few. May I…?”
“Yes. of course.”
Okay...well, this seems like the typical sort of class that you have after the summer vacation is over...that's a neat little conversation going on there...and the bit of subtle showing off by the girl with the drawings is very much how these things tend to go down in stories like this.
The whole class clapped and praised her drawings except marie.miss paul told looking towards marie, “Marie, why didn't you clap? Whatever how you spent your summer vacations?”
“I witnessed the death of my world.”
“What?”
Ariana interposed, “ might be her parents have taken the phone from her.”
Oooh, there's always someone who makes a comment like that without realizing that they just made a horrible joke....you can certainly see the kind of atmosphere that exists in this class through lines like that one.
Marie has not recovered yet. Her grandfather was the only person she could talk freely- without any obstacles. She has undergone a tremendous change. Today, the class saw a new avatar of her- an extremely new one. Such a mischievous girl has turned into a quiet one!
So this is nice to see, some proper character development going on here...with Marie actually showing some very noticeable and very realistic effects of the horrible events from the previous chapter.
Marie returned home. His father too returned home. “ papa, will you listen to me or not?”
“No. I will not. Please give me some time to cope up with me.”
“ what’s wrong with you?”
“Transfer!”
Oh dear, looks like the problems for this family are only starting to pile up...that looks like another thing that's going to make things a bit hard for everyone here.
Marie’s mother ran on this word and yelled, “ what did you say? Transfer? Oh my god! Where?”
“Not outside this state.”
“ Thank God!”
“No need to thank god. It’s far away from here. I think we should shift.” an instance of smile appeared on Marie's face.
Hmm...well that's not too much of a surprise, but it is definitely going to put some interesting things into play here with Marie's feelings and the state of this family in general here.
“ within two weeks.”
“ what an office!”
“Nothing to do”
“Hm”
Hmm...this argument here seems to be missing a few words, but I do think it manages to accurately capture the kind of situation that would happen in the event of something like this Its a bit hard to follow who's speaking when, but if you sorted that one out, this would really make for some pretty realistic dialogue.
The next day. While Marie was getting ready for school, her father told her mom, “ I have found one apartment. Do you wanna see it?”
“ yes. Of course.”
“Ok. then finish all your chores. After Marie goes to school, we will go to see the apartment.”
“Ok.”
Marie asked, “ papa when will you return?”
“ before you return home, we will come back. Don’t be tensed.”
Hmm...well I suppose this place can't be tooo far away then if they can go and look at an apartment and come back all within a day..although I suppose that's not really a detail that matters too much, it doesn't seem like there's anyone in this area that Marie would exactly miss.
Marie has become isolated. While in the school bus, she stares out of the window wondering what she used to do earlier. but,today she is somewhat light-hearted. Probably due to that she will have to change her school and she will be able to get some friends-good friends. But,there’s a sad part also. She has to leave the house where she stayed with her grandfather for years. While she was wondering all these, the school has arrived. She didn’t notice. She got down on the call of the bus driver.
Hmm, this is one of the best paced segments so far, ahh, this is definitely showing some good signs of improvement from the previously much more chaotic and haphazard transitions, we need more of this!!! This bit of personal reflection by Marie is also quite lovely to see.
Today’s first class is of their class teacher. She is quite cheerful. She teaches maths, the subject which all are afraid of. But, she teaches in a way that nowadays all have started doing maths most of the free time instead of playing games! Marie remains in her wondering only. The only class she is interested in is games. Nothing else.
Hmm...well that seems to be about on brand for the way that she has acted throughout the story, especially with her actions in that first chapter here.
“Hey. Marie, I will talk to your principal tomorrow. You are going to leave this school.”
“Ok. papa. Thank god”
“ what won’t you miss your school?”
“Yes. I will.” Marie said laboriously.
“Ok. we will be going within a week.”
Eeep...one more sudden transition there...this conversation with the father really comes out of nowhere...and you've gotta do something to show that there's a scene change there.
Marie along with her family have bought two rooms in an apartment. Coincidentally, that apartment is also the dwelling place of one relative of Marie's father.
Their rooms are on the 1st floor of the apartment. Marie can see the whole area from their vestibule. It's surrounded by a garden. The garden seems to be her favourite. Not really the garden, the animals in the garden. They are undoubtedly fond of Marie and Marie too is fond of them. Marie was trying to play football with one pet dog of the garden when the janitor scolded him for doing so. As an answer, Marie tried to beat him with the football but she struck that so hard that it entered their room only where her mother was planning how to arrange the furniture.
Hmm...this is so far the most description that we've managed to run into one of these stories, and I think this is done fairly well here...its good to see a bit more things like this slowly starting to get sprinkled in among all the long bits of dialogue. Its gives the story more of a balance which I like.
Fortunately the window was open. Marie wondered what would have happened if it was closed… no one could have saved her from being thrashed! Thank god! She left the dog, forgetting about the lift and ran towards the stairs at once. When she reached the room, her mother was glaring at her in such a way that to her, it seemed that she would definitely have a bad day- just the opposite of what she thought.
“I am quite sure we will not be able to stay here for even a week. The people will not allow us to stay here. If it were any other room, what would have happened?”
Well, Marie's definitely not made a very good first impression on people in the building there, it looks like things are going to go a bit downhill for here there...oh dear, it does seem like she was just playing around though, I don't think she was intentionally trying to cause trouble in this scenario here.
Marie stood still. The words were frozen on her lips. She had hardly spoken when the janitor began yelling, “telling to all the people of the residence. You all know that three people arrived today at this residence. I warn- be aware of those. The child tried to beat me with the football. She was playing with the dog in the garden destroying its beauty.”
Most of the people came out of their rooms. While some believed in the words of the janitor and took it seriously, the others thought that he was babbling- it’s quite normal for a child to play. Her mother felt sorry at these incidents, but she frowned at him. She has gained back her lost spirit.
Well....that's just a horrible thing there, the janitor definitely went a bit too far calling them out like that in front of the entire building and trying to make life very hard for the newcomers to the place...I wonder what his motives are with that one there.
In the night. “Marie, don’t do whatever you have done today.” her father reproved her.“Listen, tomorrow we will go to a school for your admission.”
“Ok. papa.”replied Marie thrillingly.
“Ooh. yes. One more thing- your scholarship. Your principal informed me about it. You didn’t even bother to tell me about it. She has given me the certificate as well as the cheque. It will be useful in your studies. Don’t dare to waste it.”
Hmm...well, this should be exciting...her getting to go to a new school...although I feel like the father should've sounded a bit more proud and congratulated here on those exam results, that actually sounds like a pretty big achievement there.
The next morning. Marie accompanied by her father, went to the school- St. Marie’s school. She was delighted to see the name. It ‘s in her name only. She wondered that a school exists in her name and also in the same state only- but she didn’t even know that! How could it be…
Well this very innocent fascination with the school having the same name that she is very adorable to see there...ahh, good to get reminders of how young she is.
Her father told, “ Ma'am, I am so happy that you are giving her the opportunity.”
She replied with great personality, “ I am giving her the opportunity and she will make the opportunity work to it’s best. Isn’t it marie?”
“Yes ma’am” Marie replied beaming.
“Then, from when are you coming?”
“From tomorrow?”
“Yes! This is the answer i wanted.”
Hmm...okay...that's a fun interaction between the teacher and the new student, I have no idea if Marie will keep her promise and actually work hard, but it looks like she's at least pretending like she will behave well and that's something good.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I like where this is trying to go here and this chapter really does have some very noticeable improvements when compared to the previous ones in the same story which shows just how much you do improve. Cehyn in the Earth is really doing very well because of this. Anyway, I'm excited to see what Marie gets up to next
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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