Bye

Hi ChesTacos! I'm here to review your poem this Review Day~

I was intrigued by the title and the description of your poem, so I thought I'd take a look. At first glance, I think the title is a perfect fit for the poem's story. "Bye" suggests that this story is going to be short and to the point. But once I saw the length of the poem, "Bye" became a much more bittersweet title. It makes the poem even more heartbreaking.

First off: props to you for rhyming your lines! It's far from an easy task, so it's really impressive that you were able to come up with so many rhymes that make sense. I also love how much detail you provided through those lines. I'm seriously impressed by how well you were able to tell the story of this poem.

Besides the rhyming and the details, one of the things that immediately stuck out to me was the formatting of your poem. Poetry is a cool storytelling device because there's so much freedom involved with it. Having one big stanza definitely works, but it's something that isn't usually done. I'm not sure if it was intentional or just because of YWS's formatting system, but I couldn't help but notice how you had one big stanza. I think breaking up the poem into smaller stanzas might help you convey the story better. If you're not sure how to do that, I'd be happy to walk you through it! It's really straightforward: you just need to hit shift & enter at the same time when making lines in the same stanza, and hit enter normally to make that little space in between different stanzas.

Besides the stanzas, I think you can break up some of the longer lines. You would have to rework the rhymes so they still are present in the poem in some form, but shorter lines are a great way to convey information to the reader. Think of the formatting of your poem like eating a sandwich. It's hard to eat the sandwich in one big bite, but it's easier to digest it when you have it in little, smaller bites instead.

I'll use this part of the poem as an example:

I remember when we first met, you were so smart, so beautiful I couldn't imagine a day

without you.

JD stood in the way but that's okay

I could wait

I'm a fool for taking your bait

You lured me in and said that you love me

I was blind to the truth but now I see

You are a fake, a monster...I hate you my pleas were nothing to you

All it took was one day and you...you took everything...now I'm feeling blue

I remember when we first met
you were so smart, so beautiful
I couldn't imagine a day
without you.

JD stood in the way
but that's that was okay
I could wait

I'm a fool for taking your bait
You lured me in
and said that you love me

I was blind to the truth
but now I see
You are a fake, a monster...
I hate you

My pleas were nothing to you
All it took was one day and you...
you took everything...
now I'm feeling blue

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye I say it too much

Each time they leave...it's like a gut punch

Bye Colin, bye Tasha

Bye Julie and bye Joshua

Bye, just one word

So why does it hurt?

There's so many I could list but it'd take years

And when I finish you too won't be here

So this was a great poem and one with a definet story. now I do have one question who on earth is JD (at first I thought it was the guy from the heathers musical). I love how this poem shows how sad people can make others and it was short but amazing. I love that there were some rhyms I love rhyming poetry and I love that you included it. This was your first poem but it was an amazing one and I say keep on going because you did a great job. now I hope you have a great day! .

Hi, first I would like to ask: what does it mean “JD stood in the way”? Second, the lack of punctuation (I take it as your personal choice and style) makes a dramatic effect, but one of the few commas you’ve written is misplaced and there is an excessive ellipsis, which makes the poem quite... confusing?
I don’t know how to say this but your poem’s voice is of a 13-year-old child ranting - I believe this is actually how a pre-teen’s diary looks like.
You write all these reasons why people hate the main character but you don’t go into detail on any of them, which is why it sounds overly dramatic. (the fictional name-dropping was quite unnecessary as well.
I would like to finish it by mentioning how the rhyme seems off at some parts - I understand how some people rhyme according to the word’s phonetic (e.g. by shortening the word, using slang - you used forget you/to) and you seem to attempt to do it unsuccessfully.
At some parts, your rhymes simply don’t rhyme (e.g. much/punch) or you give up trying to make sense (e.g. movies/TV).
I hope this won’t discourage you and that you try to fix these issues.
Good luck!!

hii..through this poem you have made me sound old. This poem can be set as an example of what happens to all when they become adolestants..so you are not the only one who has been broken ..all are broken and have overcome that pain( you will too ,cheer up boy)
everything that you have is beautiful and true. I am able to connect to this poem. If the old friends wont go ..how would you be able to make new friends? this is your opportunity (start fresh)
by the way i loved this line so true and humorous -'And when I finish you too won't be here'

I DID like this poem a lot. I like dark, sad things
I like dark things that are specific though. For instance, don't just say, "it hurts to be without you" but say rather "You have decided to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots. That decision has left me feeling heavy, like I have weights tied to my ankles. Sometimes, I end up crying over the grief which is the price of love, where the shattering of my heart being broken is the loudest quiet ever, wondering what you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the one who caused your pain?" (Quote from something I wrote) I'm not exactly sure what happened here either. Why do you blame yourself?
GIMME DEM JUICY DETAILS!
There was so much anguish in this... I kind of loved it?
Thanks for the great read!

I AM ALARMED
YOU ARE BEING WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF :3

In all honesty its a great poem and full of your emotion. I can tell it came from your heart. On top of that you have some good rhymes and know how to word things, so it flows easily. Seriously, I'm in grade 11 and have had to write a lot of poems in English class. None are this good lol. Sometimes I get decent ones but usually they are short and they don't have any rhyme . There might need to be more commas and periods but I am not good at poetry so I honestly have no idea. I really can't see any other possible grammar mistakes.

On another note things will get better! At one point in my life I really had no one to talk to, and I'm still not sure if the friends I did have even liked me! But nonetheless here I am today with a good group of friends and acquaintance (people who are kind of friends but not totally) and getting my stuff together! I still don't like talking about my past but if you need someone to talk to then I think you can pm me (if that's what it is called). I'm new so I don't really know how it works but hit me up if you need someone!

Keep up the great work and write what YOU want to write. Not what other people think you should write.

Waiting for you next project!

Ethan.

This is my first ever poem (besides the few for my English assignments) thank you for reading please go easy one me. I wrote this after some stuff happened to me that broke my heart a bunch of times so yeah. I know it's not that good so sorry about that. Please don't be too harsh.