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i didn't love me

by starlitmind


part i

i twisted words of

hate into a flower crown;

i didn't love me

-

part ii

i plucked feathers from

my tattered and clumsy wings;

i didn't love me

-

part iii

i kept my heart caged,

wrapped with parasitic vines;

i didn't love me

-

part iv

i stuffed my hollow

bones with thorns and emptiness;

i didn't love me

-

part v

i drowned myself in

smothering black holes; i guess

i didn't love me


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Wed Jun 23, 2021 6:28 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey there! What a thought-provoking poem here. It's awesome how you've come up with so much imagery to depict your ideas. You've done well starting with something that feels innocent and then building up to show how devastating self hate can end up. Your format is also clear, which is great. I personally am not a fan of the headings that indicate part number, but that's just my opinion. I feel like it's a little distracting since the topic of the poem doesn't really change at all.

Thanks for sharing this poem!




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Wed Jun 23, 2021 5:05 pm
FireEyes wrote a review...



Heya star! Incoming review of more 2020 star poetry! You can't stop me!

So I know you said that you write when you are sad. And I think the genuine hurt and sometimes even hate in most of your works reflects that. But I hope it's a good coping mechanism for you <3. With that said, why don't I dive into the review of the work, shall I?

I guess I will review by stanzas because I haven't done that in a while. So first stanza.

part i

i twisted words of

hate into a flower crown;

i didn't love me
So your stanzas are a fair bit shorter in the actual meat of the poem than in other works you have written. That might be a spot of critique I have for that. Because with each stanza you only really have 2 lines giving us new feelings. The other two are more like a title and something to wrap all these loose ends together. I've also done this before so I guess I can't be too picky. All I'm trying to say is that I wish there was more. Which is also more of a compliment.

But some things I liked about this stanza is how you make hate the central part of this stanza when describing it as a flower crown. I've used this word so many times with your poetry, but it's so delicate and dainty. I feel like it could break at any moment without the proper care. I don't know how you do it.

Okay, stanza two.
part ii

i plucked feathers from

my tattered and clumsy wings;

i didn't love me
This reminds me of how some people pluck their eyebrows or eyelashes due to internal struggle or outside stressors. And whenever you use bird imagery and metaphor I can just see you as this little, beautiful, white dove who just needs to be taken in. But I think the best part of the stanza is how you described your wings. Not tattered, but clumsy. It gives me the thought that maybe you weren't good at flying and failed over and over again, and that's another reason you didn't love yourself. Please love yourself, star <3333

Third stanza here we go.
part iii

i kept my heart caged,

wrapped with parasitic vines;

i didn't love me
I think this stanza is a great beginning for the fourth stanza. But with the figurative language; keeping your heart caged would lead to some things to happen. It's like when you keep something caged in a garden and don't tend to it; vines will grow around it. A lot of them would have thorns so you can't get to the thing once caged.

That gives me a nice Segway to stanza four.
part iv

i stuffed my hollow

bones with thorns and emptiness;

i didn't love me
So with the third stanza already putting in place that you have parasitic vines in you (metaphorically of course) and you could be using the thorns of those vines to stuff your bones with. It makes me thing that you're trying to torture yourself because you didn't love yourself. Please don't torture yourself, even if this is just writing <3.

Now for the last stanza.
part v

i drowned myself in

smothering black holes; i guess

i didn't love me
This stanza I have one critique with. I feel like the "i guess" was thrown in there. If I'm digging deep into my trains of thought I might be able to see why it was put in here. Sort of like you are second guessing why you didn't love yourself. And from a structural sense, it keeps with the third line of every stanza being longer than the rest. But yeah, I was just slightly confused as to why you put "i guess."

So onto the positives. I like how you used plural of hole. There wasn't one black hole; there were many. And you were drowning yourself. It gives so much self loathing in just two simple lines. <333333

But- oh wait I have more to say. I appreciate your use of past tense. It gives a lot of your poems the feel of like "I was feeling this in the moment but it's behind me now." I just think that's great storytelling! But now that's all I have for today. I hope you found it useful. Love yourslef, star, you deserve it! I'll be back tomorrow. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<3




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Wed Jun 03, 2020 5:46 pm
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Beautifulsparkle wrote a review...



Hello, i believe the poem is very a very tragic one, the narrator is talking about a time where his emotions sort of betrayed him or her and the self destruction creeped in. There is always an inner battle between the emotional part of ourselves and the rational part. I have been through depression in my life before so this poem really speaks to me. Back then i was feeling like my life had no purpose and was just awful but thanks to Jesus's love i managed to get out of that black hole. If this wasn't just inspiration and you are feeling genuinely depressed i advice you to lean on Jesus, He can make any life story one with a happy ending. About the poem, i like the way you express yourself and your imagination. My favourite lines are i twisted words of hate into a flower crown, i plucked feathers from my tattered and clumsy wings,i kept my heart caged,
wrapped with parasitic vines, i stuffed my hollow bones with thorns and emptiness, i drowned myself in smothering black holes".




starlitmind says...


Thanks for the review!



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Tue Jun 02, 2020 1:48 pm
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Magebird wrote a review...



Hello @starlitmind! I'm here to review your work.

I think the best place to begin is the title. I love how you repeated it throughout the poem; it felt like some kind of mantra. With each new haiku, you reaffirmed that lack of love. I feel like your style of poetry works especially well if spoken out loud.

Your poem is also complimented by the imagery you used. Though you only described your metaphors in twelve syllables, you were able to pain a vivid image that drove home your message. The imagery you used is honestly some of my favorite imagery I've seen in poetry.

That being said, I do have a critique for your poem. It lacks a strong conclusion. There is a slightly shift in the repetition. Rather than ending the middle line of the final stanza with a semi-colon before jumping to your titular phrase, you added "i guess". It does show the reader that this last stanza is a little different, but fails to give a sense of finality. I can see two ways to get around that. You can either label the stanzas as their own separate parts, or you can add another stanza that adds a stronger conclusion to your story. As of right now, the haikus, for the most part, feel like their own separate poems that are only tied together by the repeating final line and the message.

Here's an example of how you could label them as different parts:

part i

i twisted words of

hate into a flower crown;

i didn't love me

-

part ii

i plucked feathers from

my tattered and clumsy wings;

i didn't love me

Overall, though, great job on this poem! I really do love your imagery.

Image




starlitmind says...


Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate it :)
Ooh, I love that part idea! I think I'll end up using that.
Again, thank you <3



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Tue Jun 02, 2020 12:44 pm
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Tenyo wrote a review...



Hey Starlitmind!

I'll start by saying that there are some great things about this, but... 'I didn't love me' is grammatically incorrect and I can't get over the repetition of it. Sorry! I realise it's not something that can just be easily edited because they're a series of haiku and the syllables have to be correct. 'Me' is an object pronoun, but because it's the speaker using it then it should be the reflexive pronoun 'myself.'

The images you've used are really creative, and I think each one evokes a very strong sentiment in itself. In the first few there is this beautiful contradiction in that they seem like very nurturing actions- making a flower crown, pruning old feathers, fortifying bones- but the actual context of each one highlights the superficiality of the actions. It's like when a person puts on a mask to hide their emotions.

There's a lot of strong substance to these, but I do thing that getting rid of the repetition of the last lines would make them a lot stronger.




starlitmind says...


Thank you so much for the review!
I had a feeling that it didn't sound quite grammatically correct, but I decided to go with it anyway xD oops! I might end up changing it to "I don't love myself"
Again, thank you for the review! ^^



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Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:39 am
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mememimer says...



It makes me think that I'm not giving myself much credits that I should have. Don't be too hard on yourself.
(Low-key, I got emotional T . T)
Hey, I want to tell you that you are doing good. Do everything at you own pace. : ) I'll cheer for you!

I




starlitmind says...


Aw, that's so lovely of you to say! Thank you! I want to you to know as well that you are doing great :) You got this! Keep going <3




You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling