Hey! Although this is an old post, I thought I'd review it anyway, mainly because I was shocked at how much I actually enjoyed it. At face value, it doesn't seem like the type of thing I'd enjoy reading -- especially not on it's own -- but you've proved (yet again) that your writing skill wins me over.
I loved your tendency towards describing facial features at the beginning. The mascara fallout and swollen lips; this indirectly paints the physical closeness of the two in the scene, and whether that was on purpose or not, it really works!
He felt no longer in control of his impulses: one kick between her splayed thighs would send this blonde bimbo flying into the back wall.
God, this is a wonderful sentence! The description of the kick and the use of the word bimbo really does something to bring Noah's thoughts. I can't even pinpoint it exactly, but it's a remarkable bit of insight!
I also really love how your focus on contact, be it physical or eye-contact. It adds to the (relative) intimacy of the whole scene. This is a paragraph that I think does this extremely well:
The blonde moved her hands up towards his chest, anything to keep the contact going. She continued to survey him with her eyes even after he lifted off the bed, effectively untangling himself from her grasp.
For the record, a lot of your dialogue is punctuated incorrectly. I wonder if these are the kinks you said you were going to work out later? In that case, you can ignore this, but if you didn't realise these are mistakes, then you should definitely look up how to punctuate speech! It's important, and can throw off experienced readers
Points: 13147
Reviews: 108
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