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A Universal King

by Corvid


Who has profited from the bloodlines of long-topped monarchs, 

of vanished empires most threateningly reborn?

A universal king.

The earth and the sea and the dry land.


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268 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 268

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Fri Jan 18, 2019 2:15 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @Corvid I am here to do a review on your poem, first this is really short and I feel like it should be a bit longer then it is right now.
description
I feel like this does not have much depth to it like description I am not really shore what some meanings are and stuff like that.

what I think about this poem
I do like it a bit but there is not a nove lines for me to really tell, what it really is about, so I just really feel like there needs to be more lines, and I will give you some ideas down in ideas for your peace of work.

What I think needs a bit of work

Who has profited from the bloodlines of long-topped monarchs,
Okay not really getting this bit so not really shore what you trying to say here, I also feel like this is a very weird beginning to the poem, I will see if I can help you a bit with the beginning of this, okay moving on now.

A universal king.
okay no I dear of what the place looks like that this king is in and well, okay now I am not really shore how that word in bold really fits in with this all as well.

ideas for your peace of work
the beginning of this poem
line one: tap, tap, tap,
line two: came the sound of some one walking.
line three: the person held a question in there heart.
line four: They came into a room,
line five: and looked at the king sitting in his throne.
line six: the person bowed down.
line seven: "master," the person asked still bowing his head to the floor.
your line: Who has profited from the bloodlines of long-topped monarchs,
your line: of vanished empires most threateningly reborn?
your line: A universal king.
my line: the king looked up at his revel.
your line take out the full stop: The earth and the sea and the dry land
my line: bowing at his feet.
So that is all that I can say, so keep up the good work, if I came across as being really hard on you and unfair I am really sorry please for give me.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




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118 Reviews


Points: 23
Reviews: 118

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Fri Jan 18, 2019 1:02 am
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LordStar wrote a review...



Who has profited from the bloodlines of long-topped monarchs,

of vanished empires most threateningly reborn?

A universal king.

The earth and the sea and the dry land.



The first thing I notice about this poem is that it's very short, meaning that a lot of the focus has to be in providing a lot of meaning in a short space, which I think you do. However, the downside of such a short poem is that it seems to end before the reader can get a good grasp on what you're trying to convey. The last line is a bit jarring and confusing, but upon re-reading it seems that the poem is referencing God or a god of some sort. Addressing the subject as a "universal king", describing their kingdom, and the line "the earth and the sea and the dry land" really solidify this.

Who has profited from the bloodlines of long-topped monarchs,


I interpreted this bit to mean about God's or a god's chosen monarchs, personally chosen for the job of ruling.


of vanished empires most threateningly reborn?


Hm, the reincarnation of fallen ("vanished") empires. The words 'threateningly reborn' are interesting here. Coming back greater, almost like a rebirth.

A universal king.


"A universal king" to mean a king above all kings. The ultimate ruler - i.e, a god, or perhaps a man that sees himself as one.

The earth and the sea and the dry land.


This seems a bit redundant, as the sea and the dry land are part of earth. It also seems a bit jarring and an abrupt end to the poem. You've spent the entire poem - the previous three lines - discussing monarchs and human subject, so this sudden disconnect from that is quite confusing.

Overall this was a very interesting and refreshing poem to read. I always love your poetry. Definitely keep writing.

- o.s.e.k





When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides