Seabound

Hello! I'm here to review your poem for Aley's Poetry Exchange for NaPo. If I sound harsh or judging, then please note that poetry is all about what the author wants to write, not what other people think they should write. Anyway, let's go straight into the review.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I like the way the water theme is threaded into the rest of the poem; it doesn't seem abrupt but it flows smoothly.

several different seas inside my brain and
it funnels behind my eyes to create a hurricane

the walls break and flood the entire town

and now i’m just a sailor without a sail in a whitewater ocean

I loved the topic of water, it keeps the poem glued together. When writing people seem to not be organized, yours however was perfect. The emotion you brought out in me was incredible. I felt hurt and sad for no reason other then reading this poem. I love the flow of the poem. How every word goes together in a beautiful way. It makes reading poetry so much better. I can't wait to see what else you have out there!

Hey, there, Shaniac !!

This is Eros here, with a review for you !!

I loved this poem of yours very much. I really appreciate the talent of yours, in the matter that you have beautifully expressed your thoughts nin very little words. This is a beauty art, I personally find it hard to write in this style. Good job for this.

Then I like how the poem flows and the way the ideas flow ... Everything is superb.

I loved the whole piece.

Keep writing such awesome poetries and other stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them !

Have a great day / night !!

With love,
From Eros.

Hi, Bloodlord here for a review!

Your inclusion of several different forms of water - 'tides', 'seas', 'hurricane', 'flood', 'ocean', etc. - create a cohesive metaphor expressing the speaker's tormented state of mind. I like the extended metaphor you use in this piece with water, and I think the idea behind this poem has a lot of potential!

There were just a few things I think disrupted the flow of this poem. I think these fit under three main categories: sentence construction, line breaks, and punctuation. Generally, the sentence construction is a little wordy, which disrupts the flow of the line, and some of the lines and phrases are a bit too long, which makes the general structure of the poem loose and a little hard to read.

-----
'have a great day!' the whiteboard reads in a fun red font
-----

This opening was a little awkward, especially the part 'the whiteboard reads in a fun red font'. First, I would capitalize 'have' since this is the beginning of your poem. Maybe something kind of like

'Have a great day!'
reads the fun red font.

The whiteboard part, I think, can even be taken out altogether. Also, this seems like a complete thought, so a comma or period at the end would be nice.

-----
but how can a day be great when i feel the tides of
several different seas inside my brain and
-----

I'm not sure if the line breaks here are the most effective. If you put a period at the end of the previous two lines, 'but' should be capitalized here. The 'i' should be capitalized as well. The 'several different' is a little long. Perhaps a simple 'many' is better? Also, I think we can eliminate the 'and' at the end of the second line. Then maybe something like:

But how can a day be great
when I feel the tides of many seas
inside my brain?

Since this is a question, maybe a question mark at the end?

-----
it funnels behind my eyes to create a hurricane --
swirling and swirling around until
the walls break and flood the entire town
-----

Here, I think more line breaks would be nice. Since the last phrase ends with a question mark, again capitalize 'it' as the beginning of a new phrase. Just an idea:

It funnels behind my eyes
creating a hurricane--
swirling and swirling--
until the walls break
and flood the entire town.

Adding some punctuation (not necessarily like it is shown here) would make this thought more coherent.

-----
and now i'm just a sailor without a sail in a whitewater ocean
-----

Maybe delete the 'and' at the beginning and capitalize the 'i'. Again, line breaks the look something like

Now I'm just a sailor
without a sail
in a whitewater ocean.

would make the dramatic and beautifully worded last line more powerful.

I hope these helped, and please ask me if you have any questions!

Hi there @shaniac I am here to do a review, first thing is that I think it needs to be a bit longer then this it is good to keep it as long as you can,'have a great day!' the whiteboard reads in a fun red font, I do not really no what you mean by reads, and also what is the red font pleas eksplan you self a bit better, but how can a day be great when i feel the tides of, several different seas inside my brain, okay this bit I like it is a very well thort out sen tens, but still I think you could and a bit more description I mean, dose he feel see sick at all, dose he feel dissey. the rest I really liked. I hop that this was help fill to you, you do not have to take my and vise at all, keep up with the good work,

@EagleFly out to seek and kill