z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Curse of Time

by Battlestar


The world moves on her timeless wheels

A new world, yet a world of old;

For time only in circles reels,

And truth is lost, as truth foretold.

The irony of mankind’s curse

To seek truth and seek in excess;

We find ourselves in folly’s hearse,

Cloakèd graves beneath truth’s cypress.

For in knowing too much we cease

To truly know the truth at all;

When will mankind be at peace

And answer only mortal calls?

For the mission of the divine

Is answered only after death;

Only immortal knowledge finds

What can’t be found with mortal breath.

Alas mortals will never learn,

Again find themselves without gain;

In time and folly’s curse they perne,

As wheels of time revolve again.

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62 Reviews

Points: 2872
Reviews: 62

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Fri Jun 22, 2018 2:56 am
AliceinBluue wrote a review...



Hello hello! I'm here to review your lovely poem!!!!

First up! everyone's favorite part, the parts I liked!

I loved the rhyme scheme! It felt different with every other line rhyming rather than the more typical AA BB format. There were a few minor beaks that were made, like when you had to put an 's' at the end of call and find to make the sentence work, but they felt natural and I didn't notice them the first time I read it! I also loved your opening few lines, the idea that the world spins and new things are made but that the new things hold echoes of what has come before it, that we think we move forwards, but really we're just running in place, amazing. And then you wrap it up again with that idea that we are running in circles, bringing this poem to a full circle and ugh, its so good. I think my favorite two lines though are "Only immortal knowledge finds/What can't be found with mortal breath." Like, I kept stopping this review just so I could reread those lines, that's how much of a draw I felt towards them.

Next up, my critiques!

So like I said before, there were a few times where you kinda broke the rhyme scheme, and if you wanted to, you could probably go back through and reword those lines so that they fit the scheme fairly easily if you wanted to. However, there was one line where you changed up the type of rhyme, with 'gain' and 'again'. They look like they should rhyme, but the way I pronounce them means they don't, and most of your poem is words that rhyme when you say them. Kinda nit-picky, but it was the only true break in the rhyme scheme that stood out to me the first time I read the poem.

That about wraps it up for me! I adored your poem and I will for sure be coming back to read it again! I loved the concept and I loved what you did with it! Keep up the amazing work! I can't wait to see what you write next!!!
-Alice




Battlestar says...


Thanks so much for the advice! I was initially trying to work out some slant / eye with some of the lines that you mentioned, but I think you're right that it would probably sound better if it was full rhyme.

Thank you!



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54 Reviews

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Reviews: 54

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Thu Jun 21, 2018 7:46 pm
shaniac wrote a review...



Hello, shaniac here to review your poem!

I really like the concept that you decided to use for this poem. I wrote a poem about time, as well, and I think that as a concept, time is kind of an overused thing that poets often times uses. But in this case, you kind of write it in your own way and that's what makes it different from others poem that I've read using the same concept. As I was reading, I definitely sense a sort of rhyming happening. It isn't frequent but with rhyming, it helps to also set the tone of the poem.

A new world, yet a world of old;


This line is kind of awkwardly worded. It is kind of a contrasting line if you think about it. What I suggest is you could reword it to "a new age yet an old world" because what I'm guessing is that is what you were going for. Basically, stating that even as the ages go by, it will be the same world.

For time only in circles reels,


This line kind of confuses me because I don't exactly know what it is saying? Like, the wording is a bit off and it is kind of throwing off the meaning. When writing poetry, you should express yourself through vivid words. You want to grab the attention of the reader and have them feel what you feel. This line kind of drags the reader's attention away because it doesn't make much sense. Possibly you could reword it as "only time moves in a circle'" because that would run smoother and brings the point back that time continues to move but only in a circle.

The beats of this poem are kind of all over the place. By that I mean is how you end a line and go to the next one. You want to have a smooth transition into the next and usually what you can do is just cut the line in half and paste it below. For example with "For in knowing too much we cease/To truly know the truth at all;", this line could be split into two different lines to give it more of a dramatic feel. You want to bring the tone up to match with the certain concept that you've provided.

Another suggestion that I have is while I like the truth subconcept, it doesn't really apply to your poem. Like, in my mind, the truth is it's own thing and using it within this poem kind of distracts the time concept. And you've only mentioned it within one chunk of this poem. I would think that you would also incorporate it at the end, too. So, maybe add on more to the truth subconcept so it'll make the poem smoother.

To cap, I like the poem concept and you make your own twist on it. I think you should work on the rhythm that is presented in the lines, and the rhyme is a nice addition to setting the poem's tone. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!




Battlestar says...


Hi shaniac!

Thanks so much for the advice. I have to admit that sometimes I get so caught up in the rhyme that sometimes my meaning can be a little fuzzy. Your suggestions are really helpful, so thanks again!

--Battlestar




Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown