Soul: Chapter 1

by TJJProductionsGirl

Published January 13, 2018

E - Everyone Language

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Chapter 1

Home Sweet Home

     Most of her life Lily has been traveling with her half brother Joseph. Even though they are half siblings they still consider each other as fully biological siblings. She is also a mage, a very powerful one at that. So was her elder sister Mary. She also left her a few things. A magic transformation tool that changes into any tool that she may need. Her family’s ancient scepter that is known for its healing and plant magical abilities. Along with her grimoire. A grimoire is a magical book of spells that any mage has access too. Although only the mage that owns it can read it. The last tool is one that she created herself. She took a normal pouch and enchanted it so now it can hold anything or anyone without getting heavier or bigger.

They live a quiet life in an old church that they found a few months ago. Most people avoid it because of the untamed, wild gooseberry bushes that grow around it. It is high up on a secluded hill in view of the road and the grasslands. At the edge go the end of the grasslands there is a forest that goes as far as the eye can see. A river flows behind the great old church that if you follow it to the west you will end up in the small town of Wheatherberry.

“Lily where are we going?” Said Joseph who is currently blinded by his sister's hand.

“Just wait and you’ll see” She replied giving him a slight shove foreward.

“Ugh Fine.”

They walked into the church and when he looked around he saw what she meant. From the outside it looked so destroyed that it had lost all of its beauty. But the inside after-- Lily had fixed it---now was elegant and breathtaking on the inside. The old confession box was turned into a storage area for food and other materials after being sealed completely and locked with a spell. The bell tower was turned into an outlook. The old kitchen was fixed up and now usable. Even the worship hall was changed into a living space. Lily and Joseph felt like they were being watched. That feeling didn’t leave until the end of the night.

In the morning they both went to work. Joseph went into town to work and do errands. Lily found reeds by the riverside and she began to weave water sealed baskets. As she sat at the river's edge weaving, a small basket went down the river. Lily curiously went into the river where the basket got caught in the reeds. When she opened it there was a small baby wrapped in blankets. Lily gently picked up the baby and as she felt the baby’s forehead it was hot. No wonder she was in the river her parents most likely couldn’t afford medicine.

Luckily Lily knows healing magic and she can mix herbs and medicines like it was nobody’s business. The child looked to be about two weeks. This wasn’t a good this as Lily could not provide milk because they had no cows nor was she herself capable. Lily looked through the money that they had. They could afford two cows, one male and one female. Lily knew that this was a great idea for it would also give them access to milk, not only good for the baby but for them as well. Although using magic might be a better version of milk but then again magical objects on a child this small is unwise. After all people that don't have an affinity with magic have very bad reactions to things that are infused with magic. Lily put the money in her pouch and carrying the child she went into town.

In town she ran into a merchant who didn’t like her because no one who has ever seen her has seen her face or her without her shawl. “What do you want you annoying girl?” He asked rudely. She never liked him, he always had a smug look on his face as if he was beyond reproach. “What I have come for matters not to you.” Lily walked away to where the old farmer lived.

“Ah young lady have you come for more seeds?”

“No sir not today, do you think I can get some cows?”

“Well you have enough money for two so, sure thing I can get you what you want.”

After the transaction Lily bought a bit of milk and took her cows home. There she set tied them to an old wooden post. She knew that when Joseph came home they would have plenty work ahead of them. The basket that she found the child in was made perfectly so that it can be carried. She set the basket down while she picked berries. Using magic she made fruit grow one after another. After putting the fruits away in the storage area she went to the edge of the hill where she used her magic. “Summon Wood” by summoning magic she could create a small fenced in area for animals.

“I wonder what to name this child...what name would be fitting for a small baby girl?” she thought and though for a long time all the while she summoned wood so she could complete the task at hand. “I know how about Amy! Perfect.” She looks towards the town “When is Joseph comes home I want him to meet our new family member.”

Amy sleeping in her tiny basket lay there while Lily built a small fence area. It was midday by the time she finished. She milked the cows and got an entire bucket full. As she stood there on top of the hill feeding Amy a group of magic knights passed by. One of the knights noticed her and went up the hill to say hello. The other knights came up as well. “Good day miss” he said to Lily smiling. She did not smile back “and what may bring you here?” The knight knew what to do “Well first food and a place to stay for we are so very tired” Lily was starting to get uncomfortable.

“I am sorry but you will have to wait until my brother gets home from work.”

“Is that really true?”The young knight knew that most people aren't comfortable hosting grown men in their house, especially when they can use magic. “Yes sir, so please take one step back.”

“I don’t think so”

“Please my brother will be upset if he finds out that I let strangers in”

“Yes but we are knights and you are a woman, at maybe age fourteen?”

He guessed right but Lily saw that she was slowly being backed into the wall of the church. All of a sudden the knights heard a voice “What is happening here?” It was Joseph, pitchfork in hand he looked at Lily as she ran towards him and hid behind him. “Well, hello sir! How do you do?” Said the knight. Joseph was not happy “Do you think it funny?” The knights shuffled “Where is your captain? I think it wise you tell me” an older man walked up the hill. “Boys What is happening here?” It was the captain.

He looked at Joseph and repeated himself “What is happening here?” The knight that had spoken to Lily earlier pointed at her and said “This woman has been denying us shelter” it was the law of the land that if knights needed shelter the citizens had to give them shelter. “Ma'am is this true.” Lily’s grip tightened on her brother’s shoulder because she still had Amy in her arms. “Of course she did sir.” Said Joseph confidently. The captain shook his head “That is the law my boy.” Joseph understood the law and said “I know sir, but I had told my sister that she cannot let anyone into our house unless I am present and your men arrived before me.”

“Haha Is that so? Well then that solves that issue”

“I have nothing against your men I just care for the safety of my sister.”

“Elder brother what shall I prepare for lunch?”

“Well we are low on meat so prepare some salad and if you would like to, bake whatever you would like”

Lily’s eyes shimmered as she ran into the church excitedly. When the knights went inside they found that the old church had been turned into a living quarters. “So boy tell my knights and I about yourself” Said the captain to Joseph. “Well first of all my name is Joseph and my sister’s name is Lillian although I just call her Lily. Our last names are Solei” Joseph's face went dark.

“Our family once lived at the edge of the capital but there was a fire and my sister and I were forced to flee. We traveled and eventually wound up here. The baby well I’m guessing that my sister found her abandoned today. My sister is great at almost everything she does. Cooking, cleaning, weaving, sewing, gardening and anything else that she needs to do.”

One of the knights sniffed the air “ooh what is that smell?” A few minutes later Lily came out handing each knight a plate with food on it. “Hey Lily do you mind telling me the harvest today?” Lily smiled as she sat down next to her brother still holding Amy. “Well we filled up almost everything. The only issue is that we need more meat but today I bought two cows.” Joseph took this into account. The captain hearing her voice for the first time thought that her voice sounded as sweet as the birds in the spring.

There was a knock at the door. Lily rose to answer it when it was forcefully opened and she was knocked back “Lily!” Cried Joseph as he rushed to her side. Standing in the doorway was a man. “General!” The knights all rose to their feet. “I see so this is where you were.” He looked down to see Lily and Joseph. “Boy you are of age why aren’t you in the army?” Joseph shook his head “I am not suited for that career, my sister is still young and is unmarried I cannot leave her alone to do all of the work”

“Well then marry her off!”

“I cannot force my sister into that for it would break my heart”

“Too bad, girl you will now marry someone in this room”

“General I am sorry but you have entered my house without permission please leave.”

“No I will not! You will let me stay and you will have your sister married!”

“Leave. Now.”

The general swung his sword at Joseph but a magic barrier appeared “So you are a mage boy?” Joseph shook his head “Sadly, I did not acquire our mothers abilities, my sister did.” The General heaved an exaggerated sigh and ordered his men to move out. After they left Lily and Joseph cleaned up and spent time together. It was quiet as they sat on the river bank fishing. A piercing cry broke the silence as Amy announced that she was hungry.

“What did you name her?”

“I gave her the name Amy...after mother.”

“Well she is adorable.”

“We have cows now so we can feed her until she is old enough to eat real food”

That night Lily had a dream...no more like a nightmare. A small girl running through the forest away from Shadow crawlers, monsters that can have a human form. She ran and ran until she met a young woman. It was Lily soon they were both surrounded by shadow crawlers. Lily used her magic and fought them off but there were so many one after another. They were terrifying, Shadow crawlers were known to feed off the fears of humans until they couldn’t move because they were frozen in terror. And then they feast of the flesh of the human until all that remains in bone and whatever the shadow crawler left behind. Lily woke up panting and drenched in sweat. Amy lay beside her sleeping peacefully and Joseph lay on the other side snoring loudly. Very loudly actually.

Lily got up and went outside, it was almost dawn, the light of the stars were fading as the sun rose. It was nearly time to milk the cows when a shrilling shriek sounded across the sky. The only thought that crossed her mind was, Shadow crawlers. Shadow crawlers came from the forest straight towards the village Lily teleported to the village where the knights were getting into formation to defend. Lily watched from a rooftop as they one by one started to get overpowered. She then jumped down and begun casting spell after spell overwhelming them and sending them back to the edge of the forest they wouldn't dare leave for the dawn had already pierced the sky and the light would surly make them parish. When she went home, she grabbed three potato sack sized amounts of strawberries. They were currently out of season so she could sell them for a decently good price. Especially seeing as she has an unlimited amount due to plant magic.

After selling the strawberries she had one basket full of gold coins. One of the knight spotted her and went to say hello. “Good morning miss” he said with a bow. Lily in return answered “and a good morning to you as well” Lily didn’t want to hang around too long so she turned to leave “Wait miss! If you would like may I walk you home?” He seemed like a modest young man who looked around her age. Lily smiled and said “No thanks I can handle it” he saw a faint glow from her left eyes and she disappeared. She teleported home where she saw Joseph holding Amy and a bottle of milk, frantically attempting to feed her. She laughed and showed him what to do. It was a great day. Neither Joseph or Lily knew what would happen if they dared do something that affected a huge chain.

“Today has been peaceful”

“.....yeah it is…..”

“You’ve been quiet Lily”

“My sight has been blurry as of late, I am worried that there might be a huge change.”

“I see….let’s hope that, that change does not affect us or our home”

“I really don’t see that happening”

“Let me guess, war?”

“Most likely.”

“Of course it is that is how things work in this world”

“Who knows, life is unexpected…..”

After their chat they got back to work. One by one all of their chores were completed and they finished in record time too. Who knew what could come next, after all life holds many surprises. What will the next few years bring, more war? More peace? Or maybe tragedy is waiting right around the corner. Whatever it might be if Lily’s sight is blurry it can’t be anything good.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2018

Heyo, TJJProductions. I'm Evander here for a quick review. Let's get started!

I originally clicked on this chapter because I was really intrigued by the summary. Two girls with the same soul? That sounds like it could be a fairly interesting idea. Given the fact that Elizabeth didn't show up in this chapter, then I assume that the next chapter will probably be from her POV and describing her life. I wonder how different it will be in contrast to Lily's.

This girl’s name is Lillian Solei, She’s an orphan and a traveler with another orphan, her half brother Joseph. Even though they are half siblings they still consider each other as fully biological siblings. She is also a mage, a very powerful one at that. So was her elder sister Mary. She also left her a few things.

There are many ways to start a novel, but typically starting a novel with the main character's name as the introduction is a bit... info-dumpy. The reader wants in on the actual happenings of the book, not a cursory preface. This is not to say that the reader doesn't want to know your main character's name! However, the reader wants to be eased naturally into who the main character is. Info-dumps are generally skimmed over and not read with too much effort.

Given the fact that most of this chapter is written in third person, then the reader doesn't really need a preface to know the main character's first name. Given the fact that Joseph introduces them both to the captain, then the information regarding their last name can be given more naturally in dialogue.

So Lily is obviously a mage and she inherited that from her mother, but what are the limitations on her power? She's able to produce endless supplies of berries, summon wood, heal the sick, and fight off monstrous shadow beasts better than the knights can. Clearly, she's incredibly powerful; however, is there anything holding her back? Any stakes? Even in fantasy, allowing there to be constrictions on a character's power can make them even more powerful. Weird how that works, isn't it?

It might seem a bit counter-intuitive, but well defined limits on magical powers give the readers a sense of scale and power in their head. If they know that her magic is tied to her physical energy, then she seems even stronger (as a character) when she makes the attempt to fight even when all of her energy is spent. Her magic could be tied to an oath or a promise, so maybe she'd only be able to use it if she was doing deeds for good. If you need any examples on limitations, then I could give some more suggestions. However, introducing restraints is something that I believe could greatly improve the realism of your world.

The dialogue in this story could use a bit more work, given that all the characters currently speak in the same manner. This can be a tricky skill to grasp at first, but it's actually rather quite fun to get a hold on.

Watch a few movies and notice how some characters differ in terms of whether or not they use metaphors, if they use contractions, or even if they speak and drop all of their "g"s at the end of words. In Brooklyn 99, there's a character who absolutely avoids using contractions unless he's lying.

Another thing you could do is to go out and observe people -- see what they talk about, how they speak, and what little nifty quirks they have. You can keep a notebook and write down what you've found!

Here are two pretty nifty articles on dialogue that you might like to check out!
Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro
Linguistics and Dialogue, Application

Lily looked through the money that they had. They could afford two cows, one male and one female.

So she buys two cows -- one male and one female -- and then is described as milking both. Unfortunately, only female cows produce milk, so you might want to change that in future edits. [Also, male cows are called bulls.]

Here's an interesting fact. It's actually recommended that babies under the age of 12 months shouldn't have cow's milk. It's harder for them to digest and can cause diarrhea and all sorts of health problems. Lily buying the cows to feed the baby is a totally awesome move on her part -- it shows how kind and selfless her character is -- but it could be harmful in the long term to feed a two week old baby cow's milk. Perhaps she could learn this fact and instead learn how to make baby formula with magic? Learning that for the baby is also a pretty selfless act.

Before I sign off, there's another thing I wanted to bring up. There's this guideline for how and when to start new paragraphs called TiP ToP. It stands for time, place, topic, person. Whenever there's a change in time, a change in place, a change in topic, or a change in who is speaking, then a new paragraph should be started. I bring this up because there are a bunch of sections where two characters and speaking in the same paragraph, which makes it a bit hard to follow.

Well! That's all I had to say for now! I'm a really big fan of the concept and I do think that this could go somewhere epic. I'm interested in seeing who exactly Elizabeth is, what the Shadow Crawlers are, and if Elizabeth and Lily will meet or not. Let me know when you post your next chapter, because I'd love to follow this. There's a lot of potential here and I think it could be great. Keep on writing!

-E

Thank you for the review. As for the magic limiter that has yet to be revealed and I don't want to say anything to you about that just yet. As for Elizabeth you will see her in the next chapter and you will find that there is something strange between the two chapters. The plot is very unique and In order to understand things like Lily's magic limiter the rest of the book will have to be completed. As for the -- I still need to actually use them in mt stories because compared to commas those I am not as familiar with them so I need to look at a set of rules for them but thanks for pointing that out and giving me those link. Bye~

User avatar
Cinderquill
Review
Cinderquill wrote a review Review · Jan 21, 2018

I think this is a good start! This is a good introductory chapter as it introduces the characters in the story. But there's a lot of stuff that I'm going to pick at so I'm sorry if I sound rude or anything. >_<

First of all, I'm confused on whether this story is being told in first person or third person. Most of the story, it feels like the story is meant to be in third person, but then the second paragraph and somewhere later in the story uses the pronouns "we" and "i", suggesting that it's being told from a first person perspective. Also, if this story does happen to be in first person, it would probably be best if you introduced the narrator. Not a whole lot of introduction, just something that shows the reader the connection between the narrator and the main characters.

Another thing I want to mention is the dialogue. The dialogue isn't bad; it's just hard to tell which character is speaking. If using the entire context of what is going on at the moment, I probably would be able to figure that out, but it was difficult to do so on my first read.

Even so, I can't wait to read more chapters from you!

Sorry about the whole first and third person thing. When I wrote this story the first time it was in first but later on I didn't like where it was going so I changed the plot and switch did to third person but some things are still first. Sorry for the inconvienience.

TJJProductionsGirl commented Comment · Jan 13, 2018

This book has a unique plot so the next chapters will be confusing but don't worry it is intentional. Thanks for reading
-TJJProductionsGirl



how can i live laugh love in these conditions
— Orion42