Helloooo... So I definitely read this back in Nov or Dec, but apparently didn't actually... leave a review? So ahem. Hello.
I like the structure of this story, with the phone messages, and the povc getting cut off repeatedly. The dialogue has some good voice to it--it sounds like a real character speaking out of the emotions she's feeling. I also think the way you showed us that both the characters are female and in love with each other was very subtle and cleverly done.
One tiny thing is that it would probably improve flow and pacing to break up the messages into multiple paragraphs. Right now they are big blocks, and though that does fit with the stream-of-consciousness thought train that she's pouring into her words, it makes it harder to read when it doesn't have to. I think you can still maintain that words-tumbling-out feel, but divide the thoughts into some paragraphs for the reader's benefit.
Another small thing is that the ending is so cliche it made me wince I just picture David Tennant looking all sad as he says goodbye to Rose, and it feels a little bit like you wanted to just copy that Trouble is, it's so overdone. It's sad when David Tennant did it, because his acting is magic and he makes your heart break just by looking at you the right way. But when it comes to a flash piece like this, and a thousand other flash pieces have tried to do and say the same thing, the ending comes off more eye-rolly. I LIKE that she gets cut off. I DON'T like that she gets off just shy of saying "I love you." Let it be something more unique, more character-specific. Show off what makes her HER, and not a copy of David Tennant.
Writing-wise, the biggest area that could improve, in my opinion, is the exposition. Showing rather than telling, really. In many places, the povc flat-out states or explains something about the past, in a way that alllllmost could maybe sound like how someone would talk about it, except that it happens so many times:
Probably not, with the amount you drank that evening, my god.
But for the last couple of years, mostly since the university, we started to lose contact.
Remember when we were like 17 and went to our first party together?
But yeah, it is a bit normal that we separated with like different friend groups and me never having time with all my hobby’s
I was being difficult, I was trying to be popular, I focused on the boys and the relationships, didn’t notice you and you remained stuck in the past.
And then you went away, for the whole summer, to your uncle in Oregon
She knows she went to visit her uncle in Oregon. I usually define "As you know, Bob" dialogue as characters stating things they both know that they both know. This definitely applies to several of those. But also... hmm, how to describe it. It's too... direct? Stating things so explicitly isn't how these conversations tend to go. When you remember something, you think about details, not the overall "our first party when we were 17." Like if I think about specific party memories, I come up with things like, Steven making a bunch of lewd jokes while we were all sitting in a circle trying to play Never Have I Ever, or trying to go down a slide at the playground with my Scrumpy Hands buddy, or looking for firewood along the beach while also waiting for people to show up with pizza because I was super hungry. When talking to someone else who was at those parties, I might say, "remember after exams in third year when xyz" but I wouldn't say, "wasn't that party after third year exams nuts?" Just something about how people talk, and remember, and interact. Too much of this story feels like straight up exposition that's meant to explain things to the reader.
All righty, that's all for now! Good luck and happy writing!
Points: 23295
Reviews: 264
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