Young Writers Society

Hello, Danni88, I'm FantasyWriter76 or Fantasy76, if you preferred. I decided to review your story on my journey to two review stars, so let's get into it.

Now there isn't much content to review here, as even you said,

This is a bit short, but I promise the next chapters will be longer. (...)

This one next!

Specifics

1. I'm confused - why is Carly's name called as well as Scarlet? Is the speaker talking to multiple people? That's not clear. Or is the speaker Carly? If that's the case, it should be more like, 'Scarlet it's Carly! Earth to Scarlet!' - that would make it clearer.

2. I'm not sure if the twin is Scarlet's or if she is Thalia's twin? It possibly doesn't matter much yet but maybe make that clearer?

3. It seems a little obvious that the fox is Ebony? I think especially since you tell us it heads in the direction of Ebony's house. You could take that part out and make it a little more mysterious. I think it's always best to leave your reader wondering for just a little while!

Overall

Not a lot happens here which is okay because it's only the first chapter but it feels like we get a lot of introductions thrown in with not a lot of substance behind them. Like, the only characters I remember right now are Ebony and Scarlet and the rest have just dropped out of my mind because they were too briefly brushed over. I think it would be good to focus on just a few for now and to expand on the details you give us about those couple. That can be description, like little unique thing about the way they stand or maybe the way someone's hair dangles in front of their face at just the right level that it always looks like they might be about to eat it. Something which is a memorable/ unique description. Sometimes these are really simple things like a character who tugs on her hair when thinking but other times they can be a super defining trait like a sunburst of freckles on the nose or nails painted every colour of the rainbow except red and green and later you find out it's because the character is red/ green colour blind. Silly, quirky things like that can be really fun and can start to build our mental image of who this character is and how they think.

That's all I have for now but I'll be back to look at chapter four of Moonlight at some point!

~Heather

Heya, it's ya boi, back at it again with another review!

(Okay, yeah, I know I haven't written a review on anything in literally beyond a year. I'm trying XD)

On that note, a look at this tells me that brevity tends to be a theme when it comes to introductions, which is admirable (considering mine personally take forever and go almost nowhere in terms of plot), because it establishes what we assume are important characters for the future, and perhaps even vital elements of the relationship between the main character and others.

However, I suppose the issue I take with it is the pacing. I found myself having to go back a few times to pick out details that would be important for later, other than the obvious (relationships, names, frequency of events, and such). It's not necessarily a bad thing that you'd want to be as casual as possible with the opening scene of a book, but I can say from my perspective that perhaps a little longevity and more of a focus on establishing something specific instead of a general day could do this work justice.

That, and the "she was right" portion. Foreshadowing tends to work better at the end of chapters and passages when not directly exposited as such, at least in the opening chapter of a book. From what I've seen, the only times such a direct reference to future expectations is useful is either when the events are so indecisive that even the reader can't guess at it and needs a bone from the writer, or when in particular contexts where the whammy outdoes the structure of the short-term foreshadowing. As the SAT would put it, that sentence is admittedly unnecessary, and the feeling of foreboding would be just as established by simply ending on "something strange was about to happen."

Other than that, this is an interesting opener and I may learn a thing or two on how to open a story from it and works like it, so keep it up!

This was definitely intriguing, I can't wait for you to publish a new chapter of this!

But there was one part that confused me. In paragraph 6. The second sentence to be exact.

Scarlet sighed. She really despaired of her siblings.

Heyyyyy Dan!! Thanks for the tag mate!!
K, this was quite short. Maybe add some to it?? I dunno.
I LOVE THE END SENTENCE!! Adds some suspense and mystery. I can't wait for the next one!!
I'm not sure how much relevance the nail polish scene has? Maybe add to that bit.
Love the way Ebony is acting odd! She's obvs hiding something.
Also, I solved the equation! Will PM you the answer.
I loved this! Tag me in the next one!
Caro xxx

@Rydia @KatieC @izanami @CarolineGlitter @Lake @SacredPen
Don't worry about being harsh, I really need feedback!