Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Article / Essay » Other

E - Everyone

Memories

by Taslimalima


With gentle breeze and mild blooming dawn , a beautiful fresh sweet moments of childhood truly remarks my life. It was so sweet and want to back those moments !

Sometimes, I really want to go back my past time but I  know, it is  not possible.There were no tension , just  some good moments.  Actually, those moments were  so colorful rainbow or so many colorful and lovely. I wonder! where goes those dry leaves ? Which  were playing with  gentle wind. Chasing butterflies at backyard and watching seagulls lying on La Jolla beach truly amazing. Where  goes  those moments ? where  did  I  lost those little  sea shells , which I picked at that shore.Was so wonderful !But,when the reality came in front of  me with it's  cruel  smile, I found myself in a wooden box which is surrounded by thorn.

You  know, sometimes , I really feel so lonely, so hopeless, meaningless, stupid. Cause I  always try to bring smile or happiness for my people ,but I become tired and what I  feel  is, it  is  very  easy  to  happy in  simple  things at childhood but not  easy when we grown up.No matter what, I try again and again.Try to be smiley Me  again.Try to make  my people happy and  make  my moments  shiny again as  like  before.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
389 Reviews


Points: 12363
Reviews: 389

Donate
Sat Sep 30, 2017 3:57 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there! MJ stopping by for another review :)

Like other reviewers, I get the impression that English isn't your native language. If it isn't, that's fine, and I really admire you for not only learning it, but also writing in it. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for someone to write in a second or third language, since it is difficult for me to write in my native language. Naturaly, there are certain difficulties that accompany rwiting in another language.

Like Kays, I would suggest that you use some sort of grammar checker. It was rampant throughout this short story, which is, again, totally understandable and fine, but it's something you should be aware of. Possibly using google or some other online dictionary/thesaurus would help you communicate your point better. Remember that every sentence needs a subject and a verb, and if you can get the basic structure of your language down, the other finer points will come next.

Unlike some other reviewers, I could understand what you were trying to say and express, which is the first step of writing. It was definitely a really sweet story, but you were a little all-over-the-place. As such, I would categorize this as 'other' since it's more about your personal life than a story or an essay.

But overall, you have a beautiful idea here. I see some elements of childhood memories, reflections, and how growing up can be hard. There are some spots here where you could clean it up, and as always, if you have any questions or need help navigating the sites, you can message me or someone else with a name in light green, dark green, or red, and they'd be happy to help you! Have a wonderful day!

Best wishes,
MJ




User avatar
1079 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 1079

Donate
Sat Sep 30, 2017 2:18 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there Taslimalima. This is Kays here delving in for a review on the last day of September which is also the last day of RevMo which is also the last day of Review Week and because I woke up late, I'm not hesitating to delve right in.

I have to say that I'm a little confused with the outcome of this essay. I'm going to assume that 'butterfly moments' are meant to suggest that those moments are happy although that's kind of my emotion towards the whole essay--I'm guessing the themes and intended interpretation because the grammar hinders this from being stronger and to be honest, that's probably the biggest flaw here? I say that the grammar is the biggest flaw here because, while this doesn't happen all that often, the grammar hinders the reader's experience and understanding of the work and for that I suggest practicing there more often.

I'm not saying this to be rude of course and I realize that English may not be your first language but rather I wanted to point this out. I want to suggest using a grammar checker if this is the case and even if this isn't the case and if English is your first language you can use a grammar checker to help in your proofreading but try to remember that grammar checkers can't catch every single mistake and you, if you learn grammar rules and are able to get those down are more likely to catch mistakes than a grammar checker because the human brain can see and know more than a machine in that case.

I didn't understand the hashtag at the end of '#Taslimalima' and overall the audience has a hard time understanding the piece at this point and therefore cannot judge the piece correctly much farther than that because the audience doesn't know what the piece wanted to say. Kyllorac says most of this in better words but I wanted to elaborate at parts since I had my own views.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image

Image

Image




User avatar
1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:29 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there, Taslimalima! I'm here as a bold Knight of the Green Room to review you for RevMo.

With that said, first impressions first, the image at the start of this essay struck me as a bit overly large. On my screen, it takes up more vertical space than the actual text, and so the image is rather visually overpowering. I would recommend either resizing the image so it's a bit smaller and more proportionate to the length of the text, or else expanding a bit more within your text to give your writing a bit more proportional visual weight.

You definitely have plenty of room to expand upon the writing half, in this, so either option would work, although resizing the picture would be a lot easier.

I also noticed that the picture sits on the same line as the first sentence. Having the first sentence start on its own line will make it easier to start reading because, at the moment, the start of the first sentence bleeds into the image, and it took me a moment to find it so I could start reading.

Before I comment on grammar and sentence structure, I have a question for you: is English your native language? Because I get a feeling that it isn't.




Taslimalima says...


Thanks a lot. I will be more careful. ;)



User avatar
62 Reviews


Points: 2872
Reviews: 62

Donate
Sat Sep 30, 2017 11:37 am
AliceinBluue wrote a review...



Hello again Taslimalima! Im back again with another review!!!

The whole story was a bit confusing, and I think with a quick read through for grammar and flow, it would clear up a lot of the confusion. For example, in your first paragraph you say, 'With gentle breeze and mild blooming dawn , a beautiful fresh sweet moments of childhood truly remarks my life. It was so soft sweet as like cotton candy !' I'm not sure exactly what you mean here, I think you mighta have meant to put another and in there or something. Maybe if it went something like, with a gentle breeze of a mild blooming dawn, a beautiful, fresh, sweet moment of my childhood comes back to me, or something along those lines. It's just a suggestion, but I think it would be very helpful in clearing up your meaning, because I spent a good few minutes trying to figure out what you meant. And it continued throughout the story. I found myself having to pause several times throughout to try and figure out what you meant.

I think I would have really enjoyed reading this if I could have read it as a story, but I kept getting sidetracked.
-Alice




Taslimalima says...


Thanks...for kind helping words .




Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo