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Midnight Hippos, the rise of slice Chapter one V1 (feedback please)

by Corvus


Sylvester Windrunner awoke with a start, his pinkish sweat sliding through the wrinkles on his dark olive face. What an odd dream. A demon, of all things for me to imagine. Sylvester thought. He gazed around the room, a glistening cave filled with crystals. On one wall, a thin sheet of crystal covered a window to the outside where a trickle of sunlight found its way through, casting odd shadows around the room, and the making the luminescent water to glisten, the crest of its gentle waves shimmering sweetly, the magic in the water gleaming. A stack of neatly folded, colorful masks lays gently on a stone shelf carved into the corner. His eyes settled on one of them. He recognized the ornate green on gray swirling markings on the fabric as the crest of his old friend and mentor, the famed Kio of Thunder Jolt. Typical of a warrior to rent a pearl sleeping cave after a battle, the water works miracles on wounds. Slowly, Sylvester heaved himself up onto his hooves. He winced in pain as the skin on his face wrinkled, almost cracking from dehydration. Swiftly, he dipped his face back under the pearly colored water, and the painful folds of skin healed almost instantly back to a smooth sheen.

Yawning, Sylvester walked sluggishly to the mouth of the cave, to a small stone desk. His head hanging low, he muttered to a rusty-colored hippo behind the desk

“Sylvester Windrunner checking out”.

Looking up, Sylvester recognized the hippo and his ears perked up in excitement.

“Well look who actually decided to wake up. It's 10 am, Silvy! We have training at noon, sleepyhead.” said the russet hippo, clearly unimpressed.

“Oh. sorry to keep you waiting flame. I had to stay up to study my formations” Sylvester replied disappointment in his smooth, oaky tone.

“It's ok, I should probably study more too. Here, catch!”

Lurching up on his hind legs, Flame grabbed a neatly folded green and black mask between his dextrous toes and chucked it in Sylvester's direction. Sylvester skillfully caught the mask between his toes and pulled it over his head. Flame grabbed another mask, this one golden brown, and put it on. The masks represented their loyalty to the Silver King and showed the guard that they meant no harm to the city of stone or the community within the canyon walls.The pair exited the cave into the bustling market square.

Sunny river square stood where five stretches of canyon converged, entrances to the five districts of the heavily guarded city of Vaphis. Market vendors stood behind their stalls selling items by the bushel. Shops made of caves blocked off with beautifully carved wood doors held streams of masked hippos out for their morning shopping. A giant stone watch tower floated far above over the market, a maze of transparent pale blue magic hexicomb connecting to the canyon walls, holding the tower high in the air, and covering the square from attack.

Sylvester and Flame loped up to one of the many stalls, behind which a muscular pitch black pygmy hippo in a charcoal-stained faded blue mask dutifully polished a bright silver chest plate engraved with a beautiful deep blue carving.

Sylvester gasped “Is that…”

“Yes, a royal chest plate.” responded the vendor, with a harsh edge in his tone.

Before Sylvester could utter another word, he was shoved into a bow by Flame. A hissing laugh rang out from the silenced square followed by the heavily accented voice of a snake

“The king a kindly asked to be treated like everyone else. Please, rise.”

Slowly, the hippos in the square rose to their feet, to see the tall, handsome blue hippo, King Billy Silver Mask. Next to him stood a large female anaconda, Smoke-Eyes of Great Pod, the king's closest advisor.

Sylvester watched as Billy walked towards the market stall. Billy’s eyes were a shade of glittering emerald, like the crystals that jutted out of the canyon walls. “I believe you know what I'm here for Coal.” Billy said his voice soft and crisp. Coal place the chest plate in a basket held in Smoke Eyes tail, and smiled, handing Sylvester his newly cleaned plate male mask. Billy handed 20 small hoofprint-shaped brass coins to Coal.

Coal paused for a long moment “ your breastplate only cost 15 clefts, Billy.”.

“I am aware. I am covering this young bull” Billy paused, “Sylvester isn't it?”

Sylvester stared in shock “yes my… my name is Sylvester” “Then I will cover Sylvester's mask as well”. “As you wish” said coal, gathering the coins into a box behind his stall.

Sylvester was speechless. The Silver King, his idol, had just paid for his mask.

“Wow. he is kind for a king isn't he, good looking too,” whispered Flame.

Sylvester flashed his friend a look. “I was just kidding!” said Flame, hitting Sylvester's side with his shoulder. Flames tone changed to a more serious one, as he said “We should get to the armory though. Get ready for practice, and the like.”. The two continued on through the vast canyons towards the training grounds.


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11 Reviews


Points: 165
Reviews: 11

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Tue Jun 27, 2017 2:04 pm
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Skywind555 wrote a review...



A couple things I noticed:

1. Your main character name, Sylvester Windrunner sounds awfully like the name Sylvanas Windrunner from Warcraft. Honestly, I would refrain from naming original characters this way. I recommend using fantasynamegenerators instead. They have a wide variety of names. Also, if you don't plan on putting a whole lot of significance into having a surname, I'd recommend having all your characters just have a name, like "Sylvester" instead of "Sylvester Windrunner."

2. Do not put dialogue in the middle of a paragraph. You should follow one of three patterns:

"Dialogue" Description "Dialogue"

"Dialogue" Description

Description "Dialogue"

3. As LadyLizzLovelace said, you have a couple missing or misuse of periods/commas.
Examples:

Sylvester gasped “Is that…” --> Sylvester gasped, "Is that..."

“Sylvester Windrunner checking out”. --> "Sylvester Windrunner checking out."

Also the above sentence you made paragraph when you should have just attached it to the end of the previous paragraph. So it would be:

Yawning, Sylvester walked sluggishly to the mouth of the cave, to a small stone desk. His head hanging low, he muttered to a rusty-colored hippo behind the desk, "Sylvester Windrunner checking out."

Coal paused for a long moment “ your breastplate only cost 15 clefts, Billy.”.

Here is an example where punctuation might not solve the problem. I think to convey what you're trying to say here it would be best to say something like:

Coal paused for a long moment before saying, "Your breastplate only costs 15 clefts, Billy."

4. Use the correct spelling of the word. Only thing I noticed immediately was the usage of the word "ok" it should be spelled "Okay"

Aside from that, I think your descriptions are pretty good! Much better than what I can do. You'll be a great writer in due time.




Corvus says...


for your first point, I actually got that name from a name generator!



Skywind555 says...


Oh... Well... I guess now you know where the idea of it came from. Heh. I still recommend using singular names instead of first last name though.



Corvus says...


last names become a theme i the story line. a character discovers their lineage and it is overall important.



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766 Reviews


Points: 650
Reviews: 766

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Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:27 am
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there CorvusQueen and Welcome to YWS! It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Most of the reason I was brought into this story was the title and description, the two factors that made me manage to get all the way through this. Perhaps it's just because I'm on mobile for writing this post but you seem to have some awful big walls of text. The lines are all mixing together and I'm seeing parts that should be given a different notation and split from the group. Take the "Sylvester thought" line from the first paragraph. Not only is the wording off a bit, the two sentences need to be grouped together better. Thoughts are treated with the same respect as pieces of dialogue, separated from the rest of the pack to note a signal.
So while quotation marks would help, many writers often find italics work better for signaling thoughts. On the wording, I would recommend splicing the two sentences together with a comma where that last period is, shaping it more into the dialogue format. And switching it to "thought Sylvester" might distance out the use of his name some.

Then you've got the run on sentence of description, stretching on and on, the points pretty much repeating. I saw this a different points in your chapter, where the line of describing would trail off or the plot would take a dip. Sometimes these occasions are used for dramatic parts but the writing style still feels a bit loose to me.

The main character is Sylvester. You make that very clear, repeatedly. I think you may want to lay off using the name so much, it's starting to tire it out and you also want a bit of variety in the way a character is introduced to a new scene. I know there is always some hesitancy over the overuse of he/his/they in a work but you just want to increase the frequency.
Outside of the first description at the top, I haven't seen much in the way of talking about the character(s). Thought I'm only about halfway down so maybe it will change up a bit.

Now that I'm seeing a bit more of the actual dialogue, I'm finding it to be wonky as well, including several misplaced/missing commas and periods. These are minor mistakes but if you could more thoroughly read through your dialogue, it will save you the pain of being criticized on it later. There's also the point of the dialogue being rather plain and not catching my full attention, even during important parts. The two sides have to reflect each other so there's something to work on for your project in the future.

That's really about all I had to say. Hopefully this helped you somehow, I've been out of the loop for quite a period of time and finally getting back.
Good day and good luck.
Ping me for the next chapter, I certainly want to read more.
~Lady Lizz





By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.
— Genesis 3:19