z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Horsemen

by 343GuiltySpark


I

It was later believed that the horsemen had come from the North, through the passes in the Canine Mountains, into the plains of south Pennylasia.

"Vindhavarman, It has almost been a year since we arrived in this god forsaken land." Rjisvan was clearly frustrated. "How I would give everything to feel the warmth of a woman's flesh again!"

"Maybe you should convince one of the Dasyu women to lie with you. They already worship the phallus, may as well worship an Aswin one." Vindhuputra jested, taking a poke at Rjiswan.

"It must be agreed that these demons are blessed with beautiful women. The tropics does beautiful things to women. Give us permission, Vindhavarman. Allow us to take these Dasyu women as our own by force!" Rjiswan said with excessive zeal.

"Enough!" Vindhavarman cried. "The Dasyus do not see us as a threat and thus they hire us to fight their wars. That's how we get paid, fool. I will not have this arrangement ruined because of your lust for their women."

"That's easy for you to say, Vindhavarman. We did not bring our wives or mistresses with us when we were driven out of our homeland unlike you who has a wife waiting for you in your tent even as we speak now." Rjiswan now said, fuming, doing his best to hide his anger as he spoke.

"That is not how you talk to your leader!" Vindhuputra intervened.

"Let him speak, Vindhuputra."

"If you cannot allow us ot have the Dasyu women, then allow each one of us to share bed with your beautiful wife."

"How dare you speak of my mother like that!" Vindhuputra cried. He stood up to confront Rjiswan and punched him in the face. Rjiswan fell flat on the earth where he was sitting. "You bring shame to the Aswin race. Your presence makes me sick. Go away and never come back, scum! Take your men with you."

II

Molai was a city secured behind its massive stone walls. Its bazaars were laden with wheat, barley, spices and exotic wines. Hubbub of shopkeepers and customers alike filled the atmosphere. Further down the city's main street a crowd had gathered at the town hall.

"The people of Molai elected us to lead this city because they trusted in our judgement. We have failed them!" One of the city's councillors declared.

"I was always against invoving those foreigners in our conflicts." An old bearded man said in the council. "You cannot befriend a snake. It always ends up devouring you, after it is finished with your foes."

"You are right, councillor," Hidimba, the chief of the councillors said. "Indeed, I failed to see the horsemen's true intentions when I invited them to join in our conflict with our neighbours. Their cavalry and iron weapons did serve us well though, you cannot deny that. But now the snake has come to bite us back. They are raiding the farmers outside the city walls, stealing cattle and abducting women. When we send in our guards to confront them, they flee on their swift horses."

"We need to act at once!" Someone cried.

"What do you all suggest we do?"

"Their leader Vindhavarman is camped on the river bank. Attack them in their sleep before they have a chance to mount their horses." The bearded old counsillor suggested. "Tonight!"

III

"To your horses! To your horses, fools!" Vindhuputra stood inside the camp shouting and throwing curses.

It was a moonless night, lit only by a single campfire outside Vindhavarman's tent. Sound of commotion filled the air as the horsemen rushed to their horses in a disorderly fashion.

"What the hell is going on?" Vindhavarman asked as emerged from inside his tent.

"The Dasyus are attacking the camp!"

"Have they gone mad!" Vindhavarman exclaimed. "Rally the men, Vindhuputra. We are going to war!"

Aswin and Dasyu corpses littered the earth as the two races of men killed and mutilated each other. Though the Dasyus had snuck into the camp taking advantage of a dark night, they couldn't kill enough of the horsemen before an alarm was raised. As the alerted Aswins mounted their horses, it soon became clear that they weren't returning to their city alive.

Now rallied under the father-son duo, the Aswin cavalry charged at the scattered infantary of the Dasyus. As has so happened in history, it was a slaughter for the foot soldiers as the racing Aswin calvary cut them down with their iron swords.

IV

First light of the day hit the plains, the city of Molai and the Aswin camp. Birds prepared for their daily-round with their usual chirrup. But tension continued in the Dasyu and Aswin camps.

The Dasyus had failed in their mission of leaving the Aswin horseband handicapped, and over that they had now caused them to be more alert and vengeful towards the Dasyus.

"Twenty Aswin horsemen lie dead. These treacherous Dasyus must be taught a lesson!" Vindhuputra cried furiously. "Maybe it was a mistake to drive Rjiswan away."

"It is all his doing. I know that. Rjiswan! That scum!" Vindhavarman made a fist, shaking with extreme rage. "Maybe I should try talking to the Dasyus."

"I think it is too late for that. Our people are already questioning our decision to drive Rjiswan away. They think you are too protective of the demons. After this attack, they will not allow any talks with the Dasyus; they will rebel."

"You are right, Putra. We have no choice now. There will be no talks with the Dasyus this time." Vindhavarman declared."We march on Molai!"

V

The horsemen set fire to the shanty town outside the city walls. Its fleeing inhabitants were slaughtered before they could reach the gates of the city. Not even the children were spared. They came like locusts and devoured everything in their path. Sounds of the horses neighing were indistinguishable from the cries of dying men, women and children as their homes burnt in fiendish flames.

Three hundred horsemen now stood outside the walls of Molai, unopposed.

A council of prominent Aswins was called. A holy fire was lit and they sat around it in a circle.

"The Dasyu snipers are everywhere!" One of the prominent Aswins pointed out. "They hide in this rubble and put an arrow through our backs while we are not looking."

"True. We cannot rest in peace until we have the walled city under our control." Another one spoke.

"But how do we do that?" Vindhuputra enquired.

"We have no siege weapons. Our iron swords or chariots cannot breach their walls, and three hundred men are not enough to mount a prolonged siege." Vindhavarman pointed out these problems. "What if they call other Dasyu cities to their aid?"

"The walls! The damned walls! These primitive people haven't seen iron in their lives. How did they build such majestic walls with just their bronze tools!" Vindhuputra cried. "Are the gods on the side of these phallus worshippers? What do our gods say, Rudradaman?"

When Vindhuputra had thus put forth the question, a grey bearded man, older than anyone else present in the coucil stroked his beard and said this, "Lord Ardni has indeed spoken to me."

"And?"

"And there is a way to bring down the walls."

"What is it, Rudradaman?"

"You will not like it, noble sirs Vinduputra and Vindhavarman."

"Do not test our patience, Rudradaman! Speak, damn it!" Vindhuputra cried furiously.

"So be it! A sacrifice must be made. Royal blood must be paid to lord Ardni and he will bring down the walls. Your family line, Vindhavarman, carries the blood of the first king of the ancient Aswin nation. You or your son must let himself be consumed by this holy fire."

"Nonsense! I do not believe in this nonsense." Vindhavarman yelled. "We are turning back. Prepare to ride!"

Vindhuputra stood up and walked to where his father was sitting. He knelt such that Vindhavarman sat sideways across him. Vindhupurta said softly, "Turning back is not an option, father. The Dasyus will no longer trust us with their wars. We will be hunted forever, and little by little we will be destroyed."

"Then we go back to where we came from, through the passes in the Canine."

"Not if you die here today!"

He snapped a sharp knife across Vindhavarman's throat. Blood streamed from the slit made in Vindhavarman's throat. Vindhaputra dragged his father's writhing body to the holy fire and hurled it into the fire.

"Lord Ardni! I offer you the blood of my father. Accept this offering and bring your wrath down upon the heathen Dasyu and their damned walls." Vindhuvarman cried as he looked up towards the sky, his hands spread like a bird in flight.

VIĀ 

"Our people are safe within the walls." Assured Hidimbi. "No weapon can breach our walls and they don't have enough men to launch a seige."

"But are we to live like this forever, locked down in our own city?" The bearded old councillor questioned.

"The snipers are doing their job. They are reducing their numbers one by one as we speak now."

"It was a mistake to send those soldiers to murder the horsemen in their sleep. For that I accept full responsibility. I offer my resignation from this council." The bearded old man spoke.

"That is not necessary, councillor. We have all made mistakes including me. You cannot leave us at this hour of need. Your suggestions are need more ever now."

"Then I suggest we call our neighbours to help."

"Those neighbours who we fought with the help of these very horsemen? No, councillor, they'd now rather see us crushed than help us."

"They'd listen if we make them see that these horsemen would come after them after they are finished with us. A grand alliance of the Dasyu peoples must be formed if our race is to survive."

"I highly doubt they'd listen, councillor, but there's no harm in trying."

Dark clouds gathered over the city of Molai. Thunder echoed between the city's wooden houses. A blinding flash of lightening fell on the town center, followed by a deafening cracking noise. The town hall went up in flames. Panic-stricken councillors rushed to the exit as flames engulfed everything around them.

"To the exit!" Hidimbi cried. "Fast!"

The old councillor was slow to move and the building could collapse at any moment. Hidimbi kicked the councillor so hard on his butt that he flew accross the room, fell and slid some more distance on the towards the exit.Thereupon she picked up old man and pulled him to the outdoor.

"Thank you, Hidimbi. That was some powerful kick on my old arse. I don't know if even my wife can outmatch that kick."

Hidimbi laughed but said nothing.

Just then, thunder roared in the clouds. Its vibrations seeped into the earth and produced a shock so powerful that it felt like the earth itself was writhing in pain. The burning townhall couldn't withstand the shock and it collapsed immediately.

Sound of cries and screams of people rose on the far side of the city. Two guards came running to Hidimbi.

"The wall has collapsed on the northern side!"

VII

It is said that the Aswins massacred all the males upon entering the city and took all the females as slaves and concubines. The horsemen took control of the city and proclaimed Vindhuputra as their king. Thus, the Aswins under their king Vindhuputra laid the foundation of the kingdom of Vindh.


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440 Reviews


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:26 am
Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hello, GuiltySpark! My goodness, what an intense and thrilling story!

Is there a reason why Vindhuputra and Vindhavarman have such similar names? I gather that they are father and son, so that is perhaps why, but throughout the story I was continuously confused about which was which.

There are multiple instances in this piece where dialogue tags are used incorrectly. Dialogue tags are a part of the same sentence as the dialogue, not their own separate fragments. For example,

"They already worship the phallus, may as well worship an Aswin one." Vindhuputra jested, taking a poke at Rjiswan.

demonstrates an improper use of a dialogue tag because of the period after "one." There should be a comma there instead, so that the whole thing is once sentence. Along the same lines, if Vindhuputra was replaced with "he," it wouldn't be capitalized. Like here:
"True. We cannot rest in peace until we have the walled city under our control." Another one spoke.

There needs to be a comma after "control" and "Another" must also not be capitalized.

Grammar nitpicks aside, this is an impressive tale. It reads like an old fantastical historic legend, explaining how a certain group came into power because of the sacrifices the separate people made.

I don't see the necessity of including the scene with Hidimbi and the old councilor in the story. They are not apparently important characters and while the arse thing was funny, it felt out of place because their city was being taken over and in a short time all the men would be dead and the women captured.

Vindhuputra killing his father really caught me off guard! Nice job.

I like that the victorious, the Aswins, weren't necessarily the heroes of the story. I kinda felt the theme of "no side is the right side in war" going on because even though the Aswins had their justifiable reasons for conquering the city, they weren't portrayed in the best of light. They're described as bloody and ruthless, killing children and hungering for concubines, and Vindhuputra kills his own father without hesitation.

Great story! If anything I said needs clarification, don't hesitate to ask.






Thank you very much. I really didn't know how those dialogue tags worked, thanks for explaining.
'Putra' translates to son in Hindi; like an Erikson is a son of an Erik, likewise Vindhuputra is son of Vindhu.





Thank you very much. I really didn't know how those dialogue tags worked, thanks for explaining.
'Putra' translates to son in Hindi; like an Erikson is a son of an Erik, likewise Vindhuputra is son of Vindhu.



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Sat Jun 24, 2017 4:53 am
Nymeria wrote a review...



Now, that's a crazy story! And I mean that mostly in a good way. The story jumps right in and jumps right out, and that can certainly be a good thing. You clearly put lots of thought into the names of the characters and places. The medieval feel is pretty well developed, but the language is still easy to follow. You have a lot of story here-- too much, I think, for a short story.

Instead of squeezing this story into something short, I think it would do better novel-sized, or you'd need to simplify things a whole lot. You've got some cool ideas, maybe don't try to restrict them.

I think that expanding and elaborating on the story would fix nearly all of its problems, like character and setting development. There's a lot of info dumped in not a lot of time, so it was a little confusing.

Additionally, the intro was kinda weird. It didn't really draw me in. The conversation could be effective somewhere else to illustrate how long the characters have been at war. The conclusion was also awkward. It felt like you wanted to just wrap it up real fast.

Overall, you've got some really good ideas going, you just need to elaborate on them. I'd much rather read this as a fun novel. Keep writing!






Thank you for the review! All the character names are not original. Some of the names are from Rigveda, the others I invented. It's based on the theory of Aryan Invasion of India.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indo-Ar ... ion_theory




I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King