This is a rewritten version of the first chapter.
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"Mr. Ross would like to see you in his office, Mr. Adkins."
I closed my laptop, and turned to face Mrs. Boughman. This happened about once or twice a month. Where I was called into my boss's office. I rose to my feet, and made my way to Mr. Ross' office. Before I left my room, I went over to the mirror. I looked into it and my first thought was I looked like crap. Last night, had been a late night at the office. I left the office around 12 at night, and arrived at home at 1 am. My chestnut color hair was a mess, it had a strange resemblance to a bird's nest. I splashed icy cold water on my face and fixed my hair.
I left my room and entered a white hallway. The only thing in the hallway was a poster telling everyone to work their best. I made my way to the end of the hallway, where Mr. Ross' office was located. I knocked on Mr. Ross' door to his office. The door was dull, a light shade of gray. A perfect match to this man's personality. I heard a slight click, which let me know to come inside.
"Mr. Richard, please sit down." I looked at the chair in front of his newly polished desk and sat down. Mr. Ross was sure acting different- different in a bad way. He never acted serious with me, it was always laughing and talking like best of buds. But, this time he talked to me like we never knew each other and was ready to have me escorted out of his work place.
"Ok." I said, unsure of what to say. As if saying the wrong things would put me out of business.
"Do you remember the job you did, about a week ago? December 7th, I think it was."
The way Mr. Ross said that made me feel the same way I felt before I got a scolding from my grandpa.
"Yeah, why?" I replied, eager to know if my pictures were okay .
"I've noticed that four pictures we need for the magazine are gone!" Mr. Ross said that in a harsh tone, he looked like one of those really angry cartoon characters ready to burst.
I looked at the window, unable to face Mr. Ross. I noticed today was particularly gloomy, not just the mood in the office, but everywhere. The sun was hidden behind cotton balls and the sky was the color of gray everyone dreaded. It made me feel even worse, because I was correct. A scolding was coming my way. I scolded myself for forgetting to take those pictures. Do you know the feeling when you forget to study for a test? Dumbfounded is the feeling, you know shocked. Well, that is exactly how I felt.
"So, I need you to head back to Amory, and get those pictures of Adeline. Or you can forget your job here, how does that sound?" Mr. Ross said that like he already had the papers made, and ready to sent to the unemployment center. All he had to do was sign them, and they would be off; like my job! I probably looked like the person out of Paranormal Activity 4, who just found out there was a ghost in the house. I was shocked about how quickly Mr. Ross was ready to get rid of me. One of his best workers just gone, no way was I letting that happen!
"I will return to Amory and get those pictures, sir." I said quick enough, so he wouldn't snatch my job from underneath me.
"Good, I expect full potential coming from you, Richard."
I sighed in relief as my job stayed firmly placed underneath me. It looks like I will be heading back to Amory. Whenever I thought of the place, my mind went straight to something out of Supernatural. I don't know why but whenever I go there, I get the strange feeling something is trying to grab at my soul. I feel as the sweet town of Amory, is actually as dark as the night sky.
I got up from my seat, my legs trembling beneath me. I finally made my way to the door. As I put my hand on the copper-colored door knob Mr. Ross' voice stopped me dead in my path.
"Oh, before I forget. You will leave tomorrow to head to the airport. Your flight leaves at 6 am, don't be late."
Great, just great. I will be in Amory, Mississippi on Friday the thirteenth, at midnight. Could anything worse happen to me right now, probably. After this, I know one thing for sure, I am never heading back to Amory.
Hello,
Let's get to it, shall we?
Overall: Try creating your world through the eyes of your characters, especially considering you are writing in first person - your character needs to set the mood, the atmosphere, and the way it does, makes or breaks the story.
The whole chapter seems jerky, if I can put it that way. You end your sentence, phrases way to short. It's necessary sometimes, yes, but not throughout the whole chapter. Widen your characters vision, feelings, put them into phrases, knit them into a solid weave that can hold the story.
If you do this: "I felt [this] when walking towards the office. I finally made it to the door. I know that something is amiss. I turn to face the man." you don't allow a pleasant flow to the story. Look at your story as you might look at a song - if it's "tak.tak.tak.tak.tak." throughout, it's not very pleasant.
On the same tone, describe more. Build your character through his interactions, through his words and the way he says them, through what he notices, the things he picks up during conversations with others.
Now, piece by piece:
I closed my laptop, and turned to face Mrs. Boughman. This happened about once or twice a month.
I rose to my feet, and made my way to Mr. Ross' office.
Before I left my room, I went over to the mirror. I looked into it and my first thought was I looked like crap. Last night, had been a late night at the office. I left the office around 12 at night, and arrived home at 1 am. My chestnut color hair was a mess, it had a strange resemblance to a bird's nest. I splashed icy cold water on my face and fixed my hair.
The door was dull, a light shade of gray. A perfect match to this man's personality.
He never acted serious with me, it was always laughing and talking like best of buds. But, this time he talked to me like we never knew each other and was ready to have me escorted out of his work place.
I probably looked like the person out of Paranormal Activity 4, who just found out there was a ghost in the house.
Hello.
For some nitpicks, you have a couple of run-on sentences here. And tense switching. I'm not exactly fond of tense switching. It's confusing and frequently annoying unless there's a good reason to change tenses, such as "I still do so-and-so" The tense switching occurs in the last paragraph and the sentences "It looks like I will be...as dark as the night sky".
Are you sure,
It would usually be about praising me on my best efforts, but this time was different.
Points: 4
Reviews: 80
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