Heyo! Silverberry here for a review! I actually really love this poem, for mental illness in teenagers is suddenly becoming much more common (which is terrible) and I see it so often. Your meaning was really clear and strong and I think it's so important to cut down on thise people who are (as you so wonderfully put it) romanticizing mental illness and who aren't taking it seriously, and how parents don't always understand that their child isn't indestructible either. Anyways, that was a long talk about your message so I hope you can see that I liked it. I thought you have your message and symbolic part of your poem down really well, which (in my opinion) is the most important, but you could probably work on structure a little bit, which is what I'm going to talk about.
First of all, stanzas. They aren'tcompletelt necessary, but since you have such a long poem and you took the time to structure the rhyme scheme, I think stanzas would have made it easier to read and would separate your ideas in a good way.
Next, I'm going to go through the rhymes. I absolutely love that you chose to do a rhyme scheme, and I'm impressed that you did it with such a long poem and continued it, so good job!
"if you lost all of your control,
Would you then be alarmed?"
Okay so this is going to sound weird, but I think you should change it to "would then you be alarmed?" I know the grammar there isn't the best but since it's a poem you can play around! Something about "would you then be alarmed" sounds awkward to me, and I think it has to do with the stress of your syllables. By itself the line sounds alright by with the line before it the flow breaks a little. You don't have to change it but I would suggest playin around with your wording (throughout the entire poem) until you get it to sound right.
"that keeps you here, you find.
The rest of the time you're crying
But it's tears that are making you blind."
So the first line line is a little awkward and sounds a little forced but I think it'll be okay as long as you fix the third line here. "Are making" is a little wordy and you suddenly switch to imperfect tense, so I think "that make you blind" would sound better, but that's up to you.
"Today could create world peace
and you might end up dead.
I like the meaning of these lines here and I appreciate that you're contrastive, but I think you could make that more clear. Especially since you use "and" here, the sharp contrast between how the day could go becomes a little more dull. I would consider saying "but you just might end up dead". Of course that's your choice but I would consider playing around with the second line and changing "and" to "but".
snap out of it, they say.
You wish they could get that it doesn't work that way.
And that they could understand the hurtful things they say
Okay so these lines are really important (in my opinion), and there are some things you could work on. So first of all, this completely breaks your rhyme scheme, and it's a little weird that you start it up again a little later. Also, the second and third line here are too big, which breaks the flow.
THAT SAID, this could be really awesome if you broke it off. Another reason you should have stanzas is that this could separate the two parts of your poems by having a stanza with three lines that doesn't rhyme. These are important lines to your theme, and I think since you suddenly make the snap out of it line a little shorter, it makes your next lines even more dramatic. While consistency is really important, I think you could keep it like this with the inclusion of stanzas.
I don't have much else to say since I LOVE the end. It's dramatic and realistic and you get your meaning across and it's wonderful, so good job! I thought the whole poem was good and you have a nice writing style and had a great meaning. I think it's impressive that you kept your rhyme scheme as well! You could maybe tweak the poem a little construction-wise, but it's still good! I hope I helped and keep writing!
Points: 2162
Reviews: 75
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